shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Madotsuki :: Good Grief)
Things My Mother is Allergic To

  • Dogs

  • Cats

  • Happiness

  • Making comments without the slightest hint of criticism

  • Going five seconds in Dad's presence without nagging and hen-pecking him

  • Not showing off her "gratitude" by reminding Dad of something he's forgotten or a mistake he's made whenever he goes out on errands for her or buys her a gift

  • Good memories (but she's more than happy to remember some insignificant fight Dad or I had with her just to criticize us even more)

If Mom doesn't want me to get another pet, she should outright say so. That way, I wouldn't spend so much time going through Pet Finder and other adoption sites looking for chinchillas and dogs and whatnot. I go through all the trouble to look up hypoallergenic dogs for her and offer to bring helpful research articles and honest reviews of dog breeds, but she shuts me down every time. I suggest dogs like Shih-Tzus and Malteses, and she whines about how she'll only listen to what her allergist told her (whom she hasn't met in 18 years) which is Poodles or Bichon Frises or nothing. Since she considers Poodles to be too "high-strung" and smart, I look up Bichon Frises (and from Corpus Christi, the nearest Bichons up for adoption are in San Antonio) and manage to find a dog who looks just like Amanda. Rather than be fascinated like my Dad was, Mom goes on and on making up excuses how ZOMG HE LOOKS LIKE A MALTESE MIX (his Pet Finder page lists him as a purebred) and I WANT THE POOFY BICHON LOOK AND WE WERE NEVER ABLE TO GET THAT WITH AMANDA and nitpicking the living hell out of him like she does with Every. Single. Fucking. Thing.

She had the fucking gall to excuse me of being selfish because I wanted presents for my birthday. What the FUCK.

I told her that I wanted another dog for my birthday. I told her that Amanda would've wanted me and Freddie to move on. (And it's not like Mom is still grieving for Amanda, considering she explicitly told me that she'd think about having another dog in the family. She even told me she loved pugs and wished she could have one, but can't because she's allergic) I told her how therapeutic pets are for me and how important it was for me to be surrounded by animals for my mental health. I told her that I felt like she was finding excuses for why I can't get a dog though I did everything I could to accommodate her needs, and that I felt hurt by that. So she goes and digs up all the mistakes I've ever made with Freddie, saying how OMG YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH and YOU DON'T BRUSH FREDDIE ENOUGH AND LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HIS COAT WHEN HE GOT TOO MATTED and YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB and did her best to make me sound like the most neglectful parent in the universe. 'Cause you know, forget that I've been taking Freddie on various trips to the dog park and other places you're allowed to walk dogs. Forget that I gave him a bath before one particular dog event so he would look and smell nice. Forget that I realized shearing him was a mistake and that I've been brushing his fur to make sure I don't do something careless like that again (Hell, I'm the only one who brushes and bathes him, and he's supposed to be the family pet. I certainly don't see Mom taking the effort to brush him). Forget that I volunteer my ass off at the Cattery and Gulf Coast Humane Society. Forget that I clean Ryu's cage every week and give him his dust baths when needed. Nope, I'm just an irresponsible git who neglects the pets she already has. Oh yeah, and then Mom goes and grumbles and rants and stews what horrible and awful and nasty and illogical people Dad and I are to my brother. That's always fun.

No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to address her concerns, Mom is just going to keep making up excuses. Because she won't outright tell me that I can't have a new dog because she's allergic to happiness and any effort I try to reduce or escape the drama and misery of the household.

So once again, I'm left in a position I hate. I fucking hate arguing. So I either don't say anything and be passive and let troubles stew in my mind, or I call her out for her selfishness and it results in a screamfest. I fucking hate this and I feel like I'm turning into a horrible person because of all the fights I get stuck in with my Mom. I don't want to be a person who starts fights and yells all the time. But Mom's already made me into one.

It's not like I can discuss this with Dad either, because either Dad will shut down or make excuses for Mom and how I shouldn't treat her like a bad person.

I think at this point I can pretty much say goodbye to going to Portland this year. Jimmy barely has enough money to get by and so does Aspen. Unless I get a job that makes me millions of dollars, I'm fucked. I get the feeling I probably won't be able to go to Portland at all. And I have absolutely nowhere else to go.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Nanami :: WTF)
I was clearly too optimistic last post. 'Cause now I remember WHY we've never succeeded in making our house look "normal" and clean enough to invite neighbors over.

Me: *dumps a bunch of garbage-looking papers in a bag*
Bag: *sits there and is never checked, so it becomes a part of the house's mess*

And he yells at me if I've already thrown the bag out.

What's the fucking point? Every little scrap of paper is apparently of ~*~enormous significance~*~ and something important will be OMG LOST FOREVER if it's thrown out. So if I'm sorting papers the "wrong way" by mixing what could be "important" papers with "garbage," I'll just get lectured and yelled at by Dad. Mom does the same thing, and her room is the most impossible place to clean in our garbage heap of a home.

No wonder we never get anything fucking finished. No wonder this house will never get clean.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Mami/Madoka :: We Were Innocent)
I feel tired a lot lately. I'm not sure how much work and papers I can do, I'm getting really stressed and worn out. Usually I just want to sleep so I don't have to worry about college work and all the assignments I have to do. I just wish the semester would already be over so I could fly to Portland. Two months still feels so far away. I'm sick of being lonely and having no one IRL to hang out with. I want a place I could actually call home for once. I'm sick of moving all the time or being stuck in a place I feel like I don't belong.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Homura :: Bottomless Pit)
I had a dream about a person who bothered me. Sometimes, I wish that I had been assertive enough to properly call them out while I still had the chance. I should get over this person by now, but goddamn it, they still piss me off. It's so pathetic.

Esprit de l'escalier is such a pain in the ass.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Luigi :: Sob)
Sometimes, I feel like I've shot myself in the foot.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Luigi :: Sob)
...It finally happened. Mom and Dad may get a divorce.

Basically, my Dad became friends with a patient of his named Jenny. Somewhere along the way, they fell in love, but they agreed not to have a sexual relationship. Annnnnnnnnnnd Mom just found out about it.

To be honest, I saw the divorce coming. I've wanted to get away from Mom for a long time, and I'd take Dad with me because she's been doing a number on his mental health. I just don't know what the hell is going to happen. Dad and I know that Mom won't be able to take care of herself. My brother is likely to stay with her and he has a job now, but he won't make enough to be able to support her. And there's no way my relatives will put up with her. Mom's been constantly berating and verbally abusing us for years (my brother and maybe my sister is the only one she still has a good relationship with), but she can't support herself.

I told Dad that Jimmy and I have an open relationship. And now Mom knows too. Initially, I wasn't going to tell her because then she'd go "So THAT'S why he hasn't been seeing you! He's been with another girl!" and use it against me next time we fight by railing on that he doesn't really care for me (1. Jimmy's been getting ready for a con in Dallas. 2. He's probably afraid to visit me because he doesn't want to get involved with Mom's drama or her fights with Dad) With those reasons, I understand why Dad didn't tell Mom about Jenny. (That, and he didn't want Mom to threaten her) Dad obviously still loves Mom. He's very concerned about her health and doesn't want to leave her by herself, even after all their fights and her constantly belittling and triggering his PTSD. That's why he's stayed with her, because they've been together for years and years before her mental illness took over her personality. He has never, ever, cheated on her in their whole marriage. And there's a HUGE difference between cheating and loving more than one person.

Anyway, I was trying to defend Dad by bringing up my open relationship, and she's convinced Jimmy isn't sincere though I tell her he's been nothing but. She says that what goes on between me and Jimmy is none of her business, but that from now on, he should wear a condom for my own safety (Yeah, as if he totally isn't an intelligent and responsible guy who doesn't know what he's doing) Jimmy's been honest with me since Day 1. If he had feelings for another person, he tells me. And Jimmy and I talked to each other in great length about it. I know he loves my best friend Aspen as much as he loves me, and there's a girl he likes too. Jimmy, Aspen and I are like a trio. An OT3 where Aspen is my moirail and Jimmy is my matesprit. When I told Dad that, he said, "And now, I think I finally understand that."

I want to stay with Dad and Jimmy, but we don't know what's going to happen to Mom. Or me and Dad, for that matter. It seems the longer I stay with my family, the worse things get. I don't know when I'll be able to move in with Aspen in Portland, though. If it doesn't seem likely anytime soon, Dad's thinking of getting an apartment for me. Though if you're a close friend and you want to offer me a temporary place to stay, I'd humongously appreciate it. *hug*

Nice to know that my life keeps getting kicked in the balls.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Luigi :: Sob)
So, um. I was bored. So I watched Puella Magi Madoka Magica: Rebellion last night.

I'll make this brief. Spoilers, of course. )

I need time to recover. I really, really do.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Johanna :: This Can Only End in Tears)
This semester is getting off to a poor start.

After attending my first American Themes in Literature class (which I'll share in another entry, sorry for my slowness), I was really excited to attend the next one. I read what I needed to, completed my assignment, and was packed to the brim to be sure I had everything. Then on the day of the class, I mixed up the times with my Biology class and ended up missing the English class entirely. Absences count against you, so OH GOODIE, what a nice early kick in the balls. I emailed my professor since her office hours were on other days, and I haven't heard from her yet. I just hope to god I get my disability papers to give to my professors on time.

For three days in a row, I've been trying to get my supplies for my Biology class and failed every time. Either Dad and I don't have the money, the stores are closed, or the cards get rejected.

I feel like I'm growing steadily behind and it's still the beginning of semester.

Got to Pokemon Club late 'cause Dad accidentally bumped another car. For another punch in the face, I lost every challenge at the club. Not merely lost; I was absolutely curb-stomped. I barely got a chance to land a blow on anybody. I felt like such a goddamn n00b, and I hope to hell the other members don't think so too.

I just... I can't right now.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Shadow :: NO!)
Somehow, I had a feeling that checking the comments for an actual secret rather than just the "Adoptables" thread would be an enormous mistake. Nice to know I'm right. (TW: ABLEISM UP THE FUCKING WAZOO)

How nice that while people think I'm a stupid whackjob IRL, I can't tell about my experiences online 'cause I'll just be lumped with SJWs who fake and/or use their disability as an excuse to be assholes while referring to neurotypical people with condescending terms such as "allistics."

Meanwhile, I should stop visiting the "Audience Alienating Premise" because it makes me feel depressed. It feels like the things I want to see more of and/or want to write land smack-dab on that page, which gives me the impression that while I might like them, the majority of humankind doesn't. Making me feel even more weird and isolated. Ugh. Though really, I question some of the things listed, like Madoka. It's hardly "alienated" its audience when it's currently one of the most hyped and enormously popular series right now. :/

Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!

shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Kurloz :: Cat's Cradle)
I found some of my old spritework while browsing through my folders. Reminds me of the time I used to make a bunch of sprite cartoons. Goddamn, thinking about my lack of creativity today makes me depressed again.

I hope my boyfriend comes home soon. Talking to him usually makes me feel better.

Anyway, I figured out the perfect voice actor to play Christian Grey: John Stocker.

Using his Toad voice from the "Mario" cartoons. /trollface.jpeg
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Chirin :: Counting Bodies Like Sheep...)
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Ahh, the story of my life.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Rarity :: Wangst)
Next time I see my psychologist, I think I'm going to ask him about therapy regarding verbal abuse. If there's some sort of support group I can go to.

Because I'm sick and tired of being told that Mom is mentally ill and "this isn't her real self" (I am well aware of that) and that "she's going to get better." Nobody should have to tolerate the sort of treatment she's been giving me, bipolar disorder or not. Even worse is when my sister tells me I have to "understand" and not be so spiteful towards her (when Mom has blown up at me and held grudges even when I had the patience of a thousand saints), and now my little brother has been spoonfed all of Mom's delusions and tells me "you shouldn't hurt Mom's feelings!" He blames me for Mom's terrible moodswings even though she's constantly made me cry without me initiating anything. He doesn't get it. And no matter how hard I try to explain to him, I shouldn't be hurting Mom's precious feelings, nevermind that my own have been shattered constantly.

I'm tired of trying to emphasize with someone who disregards my feelings and stomps all over me long after I've begged her over and over again to stop. I'm tired of being forced to "understand" a woman who is selfish and lashes out at me and Dad because she's disappointed in herself. I'm tired of being a victim, and be told I must sympathize with my perpetrator. This is not okay.

In short, I'm sick of feeling like shit, then being told it's my fault and that the "real victim" is my Mom. That's the impression I'm getting from the rest of my family, anyway. Even my well-intentioned Dad doesn't want me to resent her. Is it really such a crime to be angry at a family member? And no, I am NOT ready to forgive. (And yes, I know what forgiveness means. Letting go and moving on with life instead of pretending everything is hunky-dory, etc.) Not if the abuse is going to happen again. And you sure as hell don't rush forgiveness.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Fix-It Felix Jr. :: Cursed With Awesome)
Sorry I haven't been updating much. I just can't really think of anything to update with, you know? Other than I'm starting to get horrible dreams again. My psychologist calls them "anxiety dreams." I think that's accurate. The first dream involved a screaming match between me and my boyfriend about Homestuck, with me acting like my whiny days in Sonic fandom (him being an ex-fan, me challenging him for why he thinks Andrew Hussie is a douchebag). I hope to get into contact with him today, just to be sure our relationship is stable. 'Cause we never, ever yell at each other. And I consider it a good thing.

The other dream was mainly about Mom. Lord knows that always ends well. )

Yeah, I'm sure you guys don't want to see entry after entry like this either. Nobody likes a person who is sad all the time.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Madotsuki/Masada :: Tears)
...Okay, I'll cough it up.

God, it's been a long day. I feel like there's a weight on me.

I visited my psychologist today. Mom and Dad came along too.And it's officially confirmed by my psychologist that the most healthy thing for me to do right now is move out. At this point, there is no way I can be with Mom under the same roof, he said. Just like I thought.

The worst part is that Mom started yelling at my psychologist and insulting him. She's not the same person she was ten years ago. She's entirely taken over by her mania . She thinks everything is fine when in fact she's been verbally abusing me and my Dad. And she doesn't see this. She's completely delusional and thinks everything is perfectly fine and that we're the problem and that we're "conspiring" against her. She even drilled my boyfriend Jimmy and demanded the exact time when he'd be taking me back before we finally drove off.

Usually, I go to Dave's apartment on weekends with Jimmy, and when things get bad at home, I retreat there as well. Over a week ago, the worst had reached its peak. I was afraid to go home. I still am. It's over a week since I've stayed at Dave's, and I have no intentions of going back and endure Mom's tirades and Mom & Dad's scream matches. The only good things about home are the two dogs and chinchilla.

Hell, Dad and Dave just had a long talk so Dad could update him on what was going on. Dave didn't have a problem with me being in the apartment for so long; it was just awkward for him because it felt like "there was no end in sight." Like I would stay forever without a deadline. The only other place I can go is the boat, which is yet to be cleaned. And Mom is freaking out about me being alone on the docks and getting raped or something. So I'm still at Dave's apartment, for now.

Currently nobody in the family has money.

My sister's coming down for Thanksgiving. I hope she doesn't, actually. Because of Mom and Mom & Dad's fights are going to break her again.

I've been trying to distract myself with fandom and making graphics to feel better, but it's not working really well. I feel so terrible. I should probably just give up and go to bed.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Rarity :: Must Be Spectacular!)
So um... you remember the Halloween meme where you guys assigned me to do tricks? I don't think I can fulfill them this year. Drama has hit my life like a runaway truck and I'm trying to regain my bearings.

I'm staying at Dave's while Dad goes to San Antonio to change medicine to Mom. Dear god I hope it works for her this time. I can't handle another one of her manic episodes again.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Pinkamena :: BEN DROWNED)
It's official. I told Mom that I wanted her out of my life. It's not even the first time that she's yelled at Dad that he should move out with me. Or the first time he's defended me because Mom can't see how much she's hurting me and thinks she's entirely blameless. On top of it all, the family's learned that my sister been robbed at her apartment. For the third time. So now her computer and important drawings are gone.

I think I'm cracking at this point. I have no faith in this family whatsoever. Or me.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Rarity :: Must Be Spectacular!)
Another day, another teeth-gnashing brush-in with my mother. Today I thought it would be better if she got out of my life. When I realized that, I cried.

I've got to stop reading 50 Shades for a while. Not only do I fear it's affecting my writing what little I've done anyway (I almost typed, "and my subconcious agreed" and I cringed) it truly upsets me that this tedious creepy novel is put on the pedestal as something revolutionary, ground-breaking and feminist when it isn't. I was able to cope with it with Twilight, 'cause it's an easy comedy target and I couldn't get past the first chapter of the first book without getting bored. But I'm up to Chapter 16 of 50 Shades, and somehow it crawls MUCH more under my skin, probably due to me actually reading the material than other people's commentary/sporks/MSTs on it.

Is fandom a vocal minority? Because everything I learned about writing smut came from the Internet and fanfiction, not published novels. In fact, I often prefer fanfiction smut to "official" erotica. Usually in the former, the prose is better and between characters I was connected with and grew to know and love, not Alpha Dude and Gorgeous Virgin who have Mills & Boon sessions once every chapter. Plus they introduced me to a whole world of kinks. The bad smutfic were also easier to make fun of and laugh at for the same reason.

I guess what's really getting under my skin is that people are still under the impression that women can't enjoy porn ever (I hate the term "mommy porn"), and it makes me want to wave my arms and cry, "Are you blind!?" The people lauding 50 Shades for being ZOMG SOOOOOO KINKY!11!!11 would be fucking shocked if they were introduced to the fanfiction archives of the Internet. Even if you leave the Internet out of the equation, it amazes me how much people just don't read. Lady Chatterly's Lover? Fanny Hill? Do those books suddenly not exist anymore? The Story of O and the works of Anaïs Nin existed LONG before E.L. James stepped into the scene as "ZOMG A WOMAN WHO WROTE A FAMOUS EROTICA NOVEL!11!1!" Even shitty bestselling erotica beat her to the spot; o hai, Anne Rice and the Beauty trilogy.

When a hotel replaces copies of the Bible with 50 Shades, you know we've got a problem.

The series is spreading like goddamn HIV. This wouldn't bother me so much if everyone acknowledged this was just fantasy, but 50 Shades treats the abusive relationship between Ana & Christian as the ideal, and tons of women reading the books believe it. They truly believe Christian is this amazing and wonderful hunk because he acts like a serial killer. They think they'll be able to find their own "bad boy" and "change" him. And if he doesn't, they blame themselves because women should be responsible and obey their man.

Jesus. Either men must be douchebags to be seen as desirable by fangirls, or every single one of them is an evil rapist. I'll rant about that double standard another day.

Each time I think of giving up writing, I look up and see shit like 50 Shades and House of Night being best-sellers, and I feel like Peter Parker after he tried to quit being Spiderman in the second movie. But the way my family life has been going, I barely sum up the energy and I feel like shit. Whee.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Madotsuki/Masada :: Tears)
Dad forgotten to bring me to work with him again.

Of course Mom and I are going to get into a fight. Again. And Mom would rather yell and fling verbal insults at me than rest her sprained leg.

I hear that mother-daughter stories are a scarcity. It's too bad I'm unlikely to write one because all I can think about is my poor relationship with my own mother.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Madotsuki/Masada :: Tears)
It's bad when you're afraid to leave your room because if your mother sees you, she'll talk to you.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (PikAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)
I'm so angry but I don't know why. It's been building since yesterday and isn't getting better. I just want to yell at people who bring me uneasy feelings and slam their fingers in a door. My appointment with my doctor is this Friday. Please let it work like it did last time.

MLP Season 2 finale disappointed me for petty, nitpicky reasons only I care about. I'm not sure if it'll be wise for me to talk about it. I just feel like I need to tear things apart so I don't feel like a useless fuck who is stupid and WRONG all the time.


shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Default)

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