All art is at once surface and symbol

I miss being a voracious reader who didn’t turn reading into something I had to “catch up on” or fulfill some sort of task or requirement. I feel so guilty about everything I’ve yet to read. I also feel guilty for being so far behind on anime/manga and video games and movies, so it’s not just a books problem. It’s a “I turned my own hobbies into a chore and checklist” problem. Is it any wonder I spent months constantly being blocked on the latest chapter of a fic I'm writing and even my kindest beta agrees it needs a humongous rehaul?

It feels like every heap of problems is crashing down around me. My computer needs repairs because the number keys are fucked up. My job hasn’t called me back yet so I’m just stuck biding my time all night at my stupid hoarder house. Wild rats and mice are spreading out from the kitchen and I’m worried they’ll eat our food and pass whatever parasites they have into my pet rats. Dad is old and useless and can’t look after us anymore but we have no guardian who can look after us in his place. The car is busted and constantly has to be recharged with a battery in order for my brother to even get groceries. Reminder that me and my brother can't drive btw

It’s been a long time since I last seen my boyfriend and I don’t know I feel like I should just move to Wisconsin instead of waiting for him, but then that would mean abandoning my rats and dogs and that's the last thing I want to do, fuck.

God why can’t I fall asleep? I even took my antidepressants on time, I shouldn’t be like this. Even holding my rats didn’t really help. I’m still a ball of stress. I took ibuprofen and my head still fucking hurts.

To quote Bogleech:

Character: suffers worst known fate in their setting, carries the guilt of having driven someone they loved to the same fate, goes out blaming themselves and regretting their decisions, can't be saved and doesn't come back.

Tumblr: "oh my god this asshole got away with everything"

Thank fucking GOD someone said something about this, because this has been really getting under my skin lately.

( Spoilers for TADC finale, LISA: The Joyful, and Evangelion )

Whatever. Time to be an "apologist" for not viewing characters in a black-and-white lens or something.

My bf and I got to see TADC: The Final Act today! I'm keeping all of my spoiler thoughts here!

I REPEAT: THERE ARE TADC: FINALE SPOILERS

( THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS: THE FINAL ACT SPOILERS )

The amount of harassment and hatred female indie creators get from their parasocial fanbase is fucking disgusting. Case in point: everything happening to Gooseworx. I sincerely hope the movie/final episode of TADC is as brutal as End of Evangelion is a final send-off/fuck you to those fans. Gooseworx deserves all the rest and love she can get.

Gen Urobuchi never got this much harassment over the outcry of Madoka Rebellion. Nor will the executives and creators of The Boys be chased off the Internet after their disappointing final seasons. It's almost like being a male creative in a mainstream studio gives you all the protection in the world, but god for-fucking-bid you be a woman who makes the slightest bit of success from an indie studio.

Intentional loose ends and cringe (featuring me defending tadc because someone has to)

Thank you thank you thank you to this video. I feel like people went from "omg Vivziepop sucks TADC IS SUPERIOR" to "omg TADC is soooooooo cringe" over time when TADC refused to cater to their very specific writing demands. Gooseworx making an innocuous statement like "Pomni and Jax are the main characters" alone got her harassed to fucking hell. "OH NOES SHE'Z SIDELINING THE OTHER CHARACTERS!!!1!1" (Newsflash: having secondary and tertiary characters is NOT a sliding scale of the author's character preferences. This is Fiction 101.) "OMG GOOSEWORX IS MISOGYNISTIC BC SHE FAVORS THE HORRIBLE JERK JAX OVER RAGATHA" (Ragatha has had tons of character development throughout the show, and the audience doesn't consider that her being sidelined is likely intentional as commentary on how Ragatha's hollow niceness/toxic positivity is pushing everyone away) (Also misogynistic? lololololol what are Pomni and Gangle, chopped liver? Queenie could've just remained the offscreen dead wife, but nope! She's even got her own merch now!) And god, I really do believe all the sudden backlash against popular indie animation comes from internalized sexism, ableism, and LGBTQphobia from fans calling themselves leftist/liberal. Uggggggh.

It's like people are making it their entire identities to despise "cringe" while dressing it up as social justice ("Oh no, I don't just hate this comic because I find it stupid, it's also totally homophobic and dangerous for the gay community, guys!" See: the "Boyfriends" drama) That'd be like finding the Super Mario Bros. Super Show dumb, but going out of your way to say it's classist and dangerous to the reptuation of Italians when it's just an innocuous cartoon. Hell, the entire reason I stopped watching Pokemon movies despite liking the Zoroark movie (the furthest I've gone) was because I didn't want to make bitching about the ones I didn't like my entire personality. I was sick of ranting about the same issues I had with them over and over, and the frustration was honestly draining me. Hell, even talking about the same fandom drama more than once exhausts me, which is why I blocked/muted the LISA Confessions Twitter despite it probably being the only place LISA fandom is currently active. (One such drama is, surprise surprise, "yaoislop is cringe.") To quote the many DND Horror Story channels I listen to: "No DND is better than bad DND."

tl;dr TADC is an awesome and amazingly written show, and I can't wait for the final episode. I ought to get Caine icons now that I have a Paid Account. :D

No, Queer Representation SHOULD be Bad Actually

Thank fucking GOD for this video. This is so refreshing to watch after going down the rabbit hole of Hellaverse hatedom and the way they demonize Stolitz and Stolas for being PrObLeMaTiK. Hell, let me copy-paste the comment I wrote for the video:

( Spoilers for the Season 2 finale of Helluva Boss )

Man, I can't decide if I want to draw or make icons again. I'll probably end up playing more Ultra Moon, RIP. I just know that Hellaverse are being humongous comfort shows and I've had a blast after watching Hazbin Hotel season 2. Also I didn't want to update my journal until I found a decent icon of Human!Alastor. He's so fucking hot as a human. :D

I can't wait for Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream to come out. ;;

Goddammit, I swore I would move on from this book, but I keep having thoughts about it, especially the more I learn about the Brontes' lives. A video I listened to said that we don't like to talk about the most traumatic parts of our lives, let alone keep notes or reminders about them. So fiction is probably the closest and safest avenue in which a person might be able to process that trauma. This is something I can definitely relate with--it hurts thinking about the roughest parts of my life. But when I'm writing about other characters like the LISA cast, a bit of me bleeds into them without me realizing it until later, and that's okay. Like if you asked me to write my autobiography, you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming, but I feel safer in my stories and favorite characters (and OCs in the case of original writing)

I think Wuthering Heights disturbs me so much because it's abuse distilled to its very core. The hopelessness, the claustrophobia, how inescapable it seems. It's raw, honest, and cold. All this abuse and misery happens in an isolated place, but the biggest fear is that the outside world looks in, but instead of reacting in horror and trying to put a stop to it, they nod and even approve of what's happening. They think it's normal, acceptable, even good. It's the ugliest aspects of Victorian society, and naturally, it's repulsed by looking at a mirror of itself. That can't be the way it really looks! They're too prim and proper for that! But can one blame the author's "sick imagination" if those are things the author experienced herself? Things she has seen and witnessed and can't scrub from her psyche? And honestly, is society that different now? Today it commits the same sins and refuses to take responsibility as ever. Cruelty is the norm. Victims deserve it. Evil exists because of skin tones, class, and lack of/the wrong religion. It can't be cultivated. It's never our fault. We are Christian. We are Pure.

The mainstream doesn't want to register the abuse, the pain. So it turns to Cathy and Heathcliff's love story instead. It's only another tale of star-crossed lovers, they say. They don't recognize the toxicity and obsession in their relationship because they've been conditioned to believe that "true love" is like this. They don't think any deeper why that relationship might be forbidden, why Heathcliff and Cathy are as wild as they are. It's safer to believe they're tragic lovers who don't have a pile of bodies at their feet. Hell, I'm not going to pretend I understand them, because I clearly don't. I think we're not supposed to like or support them, but understand why they act the way they do. There's a theory that says that Heathcliff represents the "wild" and "ugly" parts of Emily, but also everything that she wishes she could be. Sort of like how some of us relate to fictional villains because they're so powerful and charismatic--traits that we as people pushed around by society and our own lives, wish we could have for ourselves. In the midst of purity culture where people are quick to judge, of course we have to explain that we don't want to be 100% like the villain or endorse everything he does. But god, imagine if after being mistreated for so long, we could do what we wanted and speak our minds without consequences. What if we can be fucked up and wrong and not have to be a role model to everyone who shares our minority status? Our wicked overlords and privileged politicians can be as despicable as they want, so why can't we? I wonder if this is that "wildness" that Emily is talking about. I don't know.

I don't know what I'm typing anymore. I think being trapped in this cursed administration is getting to me. I look at my rats and see the love in their eyes, and I'm reminded of Wuthering Heights and how there's people in real life who want to see that love and light snuffed out, leaving only misery, cruelty, and emptiness. Fuck.

Bramwell Theorists: You see, there’s no way Emily wrote Wuthering Heights ‘cause blah blah blah and blah blah blah and there’s no way a woman could write something SO dark!

Me:

via GIPHY

Thank fucking god that theory got debunked.

Emily Brontë, I may not be your book's biggest fan, but in your name, I’m going to write some of the most gruesome unladylike shit imaginable.

Listening to the Wuthering Heights audiobook has been an endurance run. D: I think the most I enjoyed myself was the chapter when Catherine I died, since I actually genuinely felt sad for Cathy and Heathcliff. Most of the time, I'm going through the book with begrudging patience and trying to analyze why the characters are behaving the way they do rather than throw in the towel, declare how much everybody sucks, and summon meteors to crash into Wuthering Heights and Thrushcross Grange like I did in my last reading attempts. It still remains the book with the most difficult and unlikable cast for me to deal with outside of Certain Shitty Books That Will Not Be Named. Which always throws me off because I don't mind dysfunctional casts; I even encourage them, especially if they're at least interesting or entertaining to read about! There's just something about the Wuthering cast that really grinds my gears, though funny enough I don't despise Heathcliff nearly as much this time around. And the kids/second gen are more tolerable by sheer virtue of how much they keep getting screwed over and manipulated by the adults. And Edgar is pretty much... there. Unable to do anything. I felt sorry for Isabella, but she's dead now. :(

I'm having a lot of fun playing Ultra Moon again! :3 I actually got disappointed when my 3DS got low on power since I was ready to do an enormous grind session with my grass/water/ground types before we take on Olivia. Half my team is Eevees! :3 (Kris the Umbreon, Mercury the Vaporeon, and Tatara the Leafeon. I have Butter the Ribombee, which is why I shockingly don't have a Sylveon) I'm hoping to evolve my Dartrix Olan Hoyt (or should I say, Olan Hoot? (rimshot)) into a Decidueye soon. Battle Royale is ludicrously hard, but I want to see if I can crack the code to getting better at it, RIP

Five more days until the penultimate episode of The Amazing Digital Circus, aaaaaaaaaaaa