All art is at once surface and symbol

I'm not sorry to see 2013 go. It's been a horrible year for writing overall; I barely got anything done on my novel at all, and even fanfic drabbles this year were about as much as a trickle. I was just swamped in depression, family drama, and I barely got to do much of anything at all. About the only good thing to come out of this year was getting my 4.0 grade average back after returning college. I just hope I'll be able to keep this up for the next semesters.

I've got so much to catch up on. I hope I don't end up wasting 2014. Time is precious and you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

But I can't confront the doubts I have
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I condemn the future to death so it could match the past

I want to do the exact opposite of that. Things are going to change. Starting midnight.

25 pages of kinkmeme and there is not a single mention of Darkrai.

So, I would like someone to help rectify this. I want to see Darkrai, in any pairing, Darkrai/Alice, Darkrai/Dawn, Darkrai/Cynthia, Darkrai/Ash, I don't care.

Just not Darkrai/Cresselia. That is my NOTP.

Smut is preferred, but not required.

I'd fill this if I wasn't mostly burnt out on Pokemon and consider my favorite Darkrai ships (Darkrai + Alicia, Darkrai + Shaymin) as purely platonic. I know the requester said smut wasn't required, but that one time I wrote Darkrai smut was fun. ;; Smut or not, I don't think I'd fill anytime soon, 'cause auuuuugh burnt out.

That said... I hope this person isn't who I think it is. I mean, this could anyone in the world who doesn't care about Darkrai/Cresselia, I just hope that it isn't... that person in particular. 'Cause this person exploded if I dared mention anything they didn't like, even by accident. Darkrai/Cresselia isn't even one of my favorite pairings, but this person hated it so much she blew it entirely out of proportion and made a mountain out of a molehill simply for saying I liked it okay, but hey, fine if she didn't. And she'd verbally put me down, accusing me of being the immature one and that I was being an idiot. And if she saw this post today, she'd probably say, "Wow, it's your own fault for not getting over being butthurt years ago. Who's making a big deal over nothing now?"

All I'd ask for is a goddamn apology.

Yesterday, I downloaded Sensitive Pornograph. Cue the lulz.

Silly as it is (the animation's wonky as hell, and the men look like stretchy bubblegum bacon, but that's to be expected), it's nice to watch yaoi that doesn't involve rape. And I got what I came for, which is nice shameless porn. Fuck yes.

I've been reading a lot of Homestuck smut too. Even though I've found some super hot stuff, I still get this nagging feeling of sadness.

Darn it, porn is supposed to cheer me up. :(

All right, all right Raggedy Ann. You get your own tag. I bet that makes you feel like a million bucks.

The Camel With the Wrinkled Knees left me excited, yes it did. Since I want to learn more about you and your brother Andy and your misadventures together, I'm checking out all the books about you that I can. At least the ones published up until Gruelle's death in 1938, nom. I can't tell which ones are posthumous or ghost writer. :P There's like... 40+ books, you know that? So I'm narrowing it down to the ones that matter. Stuff like Number and Alphabet books don't count. XD The modern age isn't gonna be kind to Beloved Belindy, so she'll be skipped. That, and Wooden Willie sounds... phallic. :P

( Book list for my own reference, and me going SMRPG!Bowser Tears over merchandise. )

Fuck, none of this is important right now. Actually calling up the jobs I highlighted from Sunday's Classified section would be. Except I get lazy/distracted/lose confidence or something. What happened to my attitude? What's with the self-doubt? When did I start being so skeptical and hopeful at the same time? I feel like friggin' Cinderella in that I know there's good stuff for me out there, but I can't be arsed to do a thing. Then opportunity comes and what do I do? Freeze up. Like I'm afraid of success or failure or change. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Is that why I'm taking so long finishing my novel? 'Cause I lack discipline? Do I want someone to tell me, "No, you can't do it. What the hell are you doing with Raggedy Ann? This is crap, this is a waste of time." so I'll get angry and push myself to defy my fate as a bad writer or someone who'll never make it? Dad and I heard on the radio that Anthony Burgess was supposed to die of a brain tumor, so he wrote five to eight novels in that time. In the end, it turns out he wasn't terminally ill after all, and ended up outliving his wife and dying of lung cancer on 1993. Yeesh, it shouldn't have to take dying to get my ass in gear. So it IS discipline, isn't it?

"Stop whining and start writing. :)" Probably the most important thing someone said to me long ago, and I still struggle with her advice. I do a whole lot of whining and never enough writing. It's basically a question of wondering if I have what it takes. And I do, god fucking dammit. Quitting writing = Committing suicide. I don't care how hard it is and how much I do complain, it's my frickin' life and it's got the colors and the joy and the experience than just wandering like a colorless zombie and keeping my imagination and thoughts and feelings to myself. I was made for this and it's time I showed myself who's boss.

And it looks like Dad didn't pay the water bill, so fuck. I'm gonna snip out those job applications and carry them with me to the library. I need to think and organize my head. I should quit being so passive. Hopefully it won't be an inner euphemism for me to run out and forget my problems for a while like it's pretty much been lately. It's one thing to have your head in the clouds, but when they turn dark and rain/strike on you and fog your perception on things, it's time to shoo them off.

And my confidence is shot again, fuck fuck. I hate it when this happens, it's so overwhelming and I feel like I'm my own worst enemy. I haven't touched my novel for several days because of that, gaaaah I suck. /insert trillion worries about her novel here.

Anyway, I'm finishing my PokeDex in Pokemon Diamond. For my reference:

MISSING POKEMON

- Teddiursa line
- Tyranitar (Leveling a Pupitar in HG)
- Metang & Metagross (Leveling the Beldum I imported from Emerald)
- Glameow line
- Palkia

Gaaaaah I hate this feeling I swear to god.

I fucking hate GIMP.

See, this is why I never make icons/macros/sprites/what-have-you anymore. And why I've made no progress on my fangame whatsoever.

Come to think of it, I haven't written anything either because my computer refuses to acknowledge I own Microsoft Word. And I hate all the other programs (WordPad, Notepad) and yes, that includes OpenOffice. I fucking hate this.

Nothing like a trip to Barnes N' Noble, a place that should've energized me, to remind you how awkward and friendless you are. And the friends that you do have live too far away.

I have no idea why I keep thinking of Skull Kid, even to this day as I pick up the Majora's Mask manga out of nostalgia? Maybe because we're both lonely. Maybe because the close friends you do have remind you of this, remind you what you've been missing. Though I sure as hell hope I'm not as destructive and crazy as he was under the influence of Majora. But maybe he still did those things and I should be mad at him. Maybe I am but I'm not either. Maybe I relate too much to be mad. Maybe it's like looking at myself in the mirror and becoming saddened from what I see. It hurts.

❝WHICH HOGWARTS HOUSE DO I BELONG IN?❞

I think I know who I am already, but eh, nice to have reassurance.

Sorry for the lack of activity lately, I've been depressed. Still am, actually. Finished watching a Let's Play of Silent Hill 1 if that tells you anything. It's like I want to see all sugary and cute things leak with horror lately. But I'll keep an eye on the Loveless threads on pokedressing and make sure I don't fall behind! :o

I hope I didn't take two Zolofts instead of one. Maybe I'm worrying too hard about this, but who knows. I don't want to accidently overdose because I've been forgetful. :/

The rules are, list seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LiveJournal along with your seven songs.

1. Ben Folds Five - Magic
2. Vienna Teng - Nothing Without You
3. Kate Bush - And Dreams of Sheep
4. The Dresden Dolls - Sex Changes
5. Tattletale - Glass Vase, Cello Case
6. Julien-K - System De Sexe
7. Adam Lambert - Fever

Extra: Rasputina - All Tomorrow's Parties
Kate Bush - Mother Stands For Comfort
Regina Spektor - Machine
Metric - Help I'm Alive

I feel too much like Madotsuki sometimes. Other than that, I must be so dull. I feel dull.