All art is at once surface and symbol

I'm really lonely and under a lot of stress right now.

I have three eight-page papers to write. THREE. I feel woefully unprepared and crippled, even though I've been given extensions for all of them by my professors. I have zero confidence and I'm tired as fuck.

But if I don't do these papers (all of which I've asked for extensions for), my grades for all of my classes are going to drop enormously.? And it's likely going to cost me in the long run when I'm trying to find jobs.

I just want to go to Portland NOW and end my misery, but I can't because of these stupid papers. I'm so fucking miserable. I have no energy left. And even if I DO start the papers, my exhaustion will clearly show. They'll be so shitty that I'll get a shitty grade anyway.

I'm going to be stuck here. All my efforts will be for nothing.

I feel tired a lot lately. I'm not sure how much work and papers I can do, I'm getting really stressed and worn out. Usually I just want to sleep so I don't have to worry about college work and all the assignments I have to do. I just wish the semester would already be over so I could fly to Portland. Two months still feels so far away. I'm sick of being lonely and having no one IRL to hang out with. I want a place I could actually call home for once. I'm sick of moving all the time or being stuck in a place I feel like I don't belong.

There was a Banned Books event at my campus library last Thursday! There were lots of people cosplaying characters from banned books, such as Frodo & Arwen, Katniss, Rorschach, etc. I made a request that Dorian Gray lie on the ground and look like he's about to get eaten by a Wild Thing (Where the Wild Things Are) Then on complete improv, the Wild Thing started making out with Dorian! It was glorious. :D I'll share photos later. atm I'm really tuckered out and still juggling schoolwork.

Realmscon is coming up next Friday, so Dad and I went shopping for the parts I need for my Shaymin gajinka costume. No luck with the shoes, hair dye and flowers yet, but we got the perfect dress for half off at Goodwill. :3

I bought a rainbow-quilled hedgehog plushie from Barnes N' Noble because I could. It's so poofy!

I have a lab exam on Monday, a Biology final coming up (both of which I'm struggling with), and I've got an English paper due Monday that I'm uncertain I even know what I'm writing about. Oh, and sleep issues as always.

This is not a good week for me, guys. D:

My brother's playing FFX HD. I still can't believe that game's on its tenth anniversary. It still feels like yesterday it had come out on PS2. *sobs*

This semester is getting off to a poor start.

After attending my first American Themes in Literature class (which I'll share in another entry, sorry for my slowness), I was really excited to attend the next one. I read what I needed to, completed my assignment, and was packed to the brim to be sure I had everything. Then on the day of the class, I mixed up the times with my Biology class and ended up missing the English class entirely. Absences count against you, so OH GOODIE, what a nice early kick in the balls. I emailed my professor since her office hours were on other days, and I haven't heard from her yet. I just hope to god I get my disability papers to give to my professors on time.

For three days in a row, I've been trying to get my supplies for my Biology class and failed every time. Either Dad and I don't have the money, the stores are closed, or the cards get rejected.

I feel like I'm growing steadily behind and it's still the beginning of semester.

Got to Pokemon Club late 'cause Dad accidentally bumped another car. For another punch in the face, I lost every challenge at the club. Not merely lost; I was absolutely curb-stomped. I barely got a chance to land a blow on anybody. I felt like such a goddamn n00b, and I hope to hell the other members don't think so too.

I just... I can't right now.

areyougame

God, I would've made Mario/Kirby/Pokemon/Yume Nikki/Mother 1+2+3/Harvest Moon/Super Smash Bros/Ib/OFF/etc. prompts in a heartbeat. ;; Oh well. Still a lot of prompts I got my eye on. :3 Like the Kid Icarus ones... go figure, I still haven't played Uprising and I even own the damn game. Until Pokemon Bank comes out and Smogon uploads movesets for Gen VI, I don't have much to do in Pokemon except breeding and grinding. I have until the 30th to make claims... hm... *dundundun*

Again, sorry I haven't been posting much. I've been working my ass off in college (hence I gotta miss out on Poke Exchange. Sorry! ;;), and I gotta work on yet another paper. I got an A- for my Composition II assignment, and I'm not about to let my good record slip! :o

Next month promises to be full of fandomy goodness (including Yuletide!) to make up for my lack of productivity this year. Oh boy oh boy oh boy~

Quickest Way to Depress Puri: Give her a dream where she's reliving her college days. Remind her of her potential to learn so much and make many new friends in a comfy and exciting environment, but due to her lack of experience, she comes off as inept and awkward, and she looks stupid in front of the entire school. Sure, people smile and are still nice to her, but only to be courteous and helpful because the wretched thing needs help or messes something up all the time. Poor thing, she has trouble with so many little things that everybody can do out of habit! If she's to be a "friend" at all, she's only the type that shows up now and then to fidget and doesn't speak much so you might as well ignore her. In other words, she's a crutch that can't even stand by itself, and that's too bad.

Of course Mom calls me because looking at clothes in fliers is my #1 Passion in All The World and after the hours and hours and hours we spent shopping yesterday, she tells me we may have to return certain clothes (and if past experience tells me, when does Mom ever return anything unless it's past the return date?) because I hadn't been thinking whether they were on sale or not. Bought because I thought I was told I had to get as many summer clothes as possible. Thank you mother, you've unintentionally but successfully reminded me that keeping my priorities straight was yet another reason why I was a failure at college.

It's a bad sign when you have this little share of conversation with your family:

Me: Dad? I've been feeling very depressed and uncertain about my future.
Dad: *doleful tone* Me too.

Plus I've decided a four-year university isn't working for me. Everytime these past two years, it's been more hell than heaven. I struggle with deadlines, classes, my sleep's wonked out, and I get lonely because I can't keep pets in my dorm and the closest friends I ever made, I can only see on Fridays and Saturdays. And I'm unsatisfied with what my classes are giving me. I wanted to take creative writing. To write everyday and improve myself as a storyteller. Did I get it? No. The only classes I felt have been satisfying for me were Russian Sci-Fi and Banned Books. Why? Because we discussed goddamn story. We were allowed to say we loved or hated it and why. I like this kind of discussion! This is what I want! To me, homework would be the equivalent of reading the damn book so you'll be able to talk about it in class.

I don't think I do well on papers. I'm one of those types of procrastinators who is super picky and perfectionist and knows the paper won't live up to my standards, so I blow it off, suffer the night before it's due, and turn it in and never wanting to see the paper ever again. Because I already know I have a horrible grade on it and WHAT I did horrible. Figures I get the paper back, am forced to look at my horrible grade and mistakes I knew I'd make, blah blah self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate knowing about my grades because I know I did terribly. And I'm right. Even more, I hate discussing them because then it means reciting every possible thing I knew I got wrong and go "ZOMG this affects whether or not you're staying at college, by the way." Or if you're thinking you don't give a damn anymore, "ZOMG this affects your future or whether you're gonna get a good job and not be homeless and in debt!"

College has one rule: organize or die. Believe me, I tried. Sorting hours, assignments, everything. But my mind doesn't work that way. Something different always comes up. I get so focused on one assignment I forget about the others. It's impossible for me to follow a rigid schedule. Did I mention how much deadlines flip my lid? Did I? I'll mention it again. I hate deadlines. And they never "whoosh by" because they stay like a nail in my head even after I turn the paper in, and it feels like I still need something turned in even though I already have.

It's goddamn humiliating when you get all As and Bs in high school (crummy school or not), only to go to college and realize your entire education is a lie and you have to start from scratch, and if you don't have the skills for that, you're screwed. Hello Ds and Fs! If I'm lucky, I'll get a C! B means a saint has arrived and an A means "Ha ha, fat chance." This is hardly the "dreamscape of life exploration" I was looking for. I feel heartbroken. I'm disappointed.

I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the fall. Or future. And god, if I ever get another dorm, I want some sort of fuzzy animal to keep me company. I'm screaming "Hedgehog! Hedgehog!" everyday. If that's shooting for the moon, land me among the stars so I can get a rat so I can snuggle my nose in its fur. I don't know what my supporting job for my writing career would be either. 'Cause as long as I don't know, I can't support myself and I'll be broke. Like my parents. Everything I seem remotely interested in is volunteer work, and that won't make a cent. Hell, I feel more like my sick mom everyday.

Now I can't be bothered to do much creatively like writing, and lately it feels like it takes too much effort to load Photoshop to make icons or make AMVs, especially with how crappy the computer's been running and my own about to explode any second and ugh. It's just a terrible environment. Go figure, insomnia isn't much better either, and I sleep through the day because I want to forget and get away from it all. My dogs Amanda and Freddie make me smile and I pet them, but that's about all the short temporary happiness I have, video games aside. I haven't exactly felt talkative and I don't know if I'm even in the mood for RPing.

Can't talk to Mom 'cause she'll drone on and on and recite the laundry list of everything that makes me upset, including our family's financial situation and Dad losing yet another job due to his temper and his inability to stop snapping at people including those of authority. Can't talk to Dad 'cause then he might start yelling at me and possibly get in a fight with Mom again. I've never phoned any of my close relatives (by "close" I mean "relatives I'm generally comfortable with") and haven't spoken to them in a long time, so I don't know how well they'd relate with me. I don't even know how to express myself on the phone that well. I doubt talking to my sister will help either, 'cause she has troubles of her own and I don't want to pile up on it, and she might be sucked into Mom and Dad's drama too. So that leaves me with absolutely no idea who to talk to or where to go. Maybe phone one of the people from Closet Artists, but I don't know, I don't want to feel too much like a burden or scare them, considering we knew each other for about one year and I'm generally one of the quieter girls.

Gods, I think I even lost some braincells, since it's gotten harder to think or express myself comprehensively.

brb disappearing from the Internet.

Crayola loves you and wants to thank you all for making her wish come true~ ♥♥♥



Please be patient regarding drabbles. ;-; I started one of them, but college holds a high priority right now or else I'm fucking busted. *curls up* I need Me Time... cheer me up and support me by clicking my eggs, okay? XD