shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Sir Aaron/Lucario :: Epilogue)
Mom noticed that Freddie was looking pretty sad, so she put him on her lap and started petting him. She started talking about Amanda and reassured him how much Amanda loved him, and as she was doing that, Freddie started licking the pillow they were sitting on because he knew Amanda sat on it too. It's the closest he could get to kissing her. ;;

It's okay, Freddie. Soon we'll get another doggie and Amanda will be happy knowing you won't be lonely anymore. ;;
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Spooky :: My Little Specimen)
While I was volunteering at Gulf Coast today, I met a white miniature poodle named Prada. I messaged Dad about her, and after answering a few questions, Dad and the rest of the family (including Freddie) came over for a Meet-&-Greet. :o Everybody got along really well, and then we got home. Anyway, Mom came into my room crying, telling me she's allergic to Prada.

Mom: *dabbing her eyes with a Kleenix* I'm so sorry...
Me: *hugging her* It's okay, Mom. Thank you for giving her a chance. It means so much to me.
Mom: I'm too allergic to her. My hands are itching, I'm getting hives, I never touched my face but my eyes are watering...
Me: Even if you weren't allergic to her, we'd never be able to clean the house on time. Don't worry about it, I'm glad you decided to give it a shot, even if it didn't turn out well.
Mom: I didn't want to get too attached then be forced to give her up. I hope you get another chinchilla. And we've got to order you cake and make preparations...

So it looks like we're a Bichon-only household, nom. Mom's currently trying to find the names of the breeders we got Freddie from, and Dad and I told her we found purebred Bichons up for adoption in San Antonio. (Dad: "I think I like Bichons better anyway.") I'm glad it ended well, even if we didn't bring a doggie home. Probably for the best for all of us, including Prada.

Freddie got so excited while visiting Gulf Coast. Trust me Freddie, you don't want to stay in a shelter. :P
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Madotsuki :: Good Grief)
Things My Mother is Allergic To

  • Dogs

  • Cats

  • Happiness

  • Making comments without the slightest hint of criticism

  • Going five seconds in Dad's presence without nagging and hen-pecking him

  • Not showing off her "gratitude" by reminding Dad of something he's forgotten or a mistake he's made whenever he goes out on errands for her or buys her a gift

  • Good memories (but she's more than happy to remember some insignificant fight Dad or I had with her just to criticize us even more)

If Mom doesn't want me to get another pet, she should outright say so. That way, I wouldn't spend so much time going through Pet Finder and other adoption sites looking for chinchillas and dogs and whatnot. I go through all the trouble to look up hypoallergenic dogs for her and offer to bring helpful research articles and honest reviews of dog breeds, but she shuts me down every time. I suggest dogs like Shih-Tzus and Malteses, and she whines about how she'll only listen to what her allergist told her (whom she hasn't met in 18 years) which is Poodles or Bichon Frises or nothing. Since she considers Poodles to be too "high-strung" and smart, I look up Bichon Frises (and from Corpus Christi, the nearest Bichons up for adoption are in San Antonio) and manage to find a dog who looks just like Amanda. Rather than be fascinated like my Dad was, Mom goes on and on making up excuses how ZOMG HE LOOKS LIKE A MALTESE MIX (his Pet Finder page lists him as a purebred) and I WANT THE POOFY BICHON LOOK AND WE WERE NEVER ABLE TO GET THAT WITH AMANDA and nitpicking the living hell out of him like she does with Every. Single. Fucking. Thing.

She had the fucking gall to excuse me of being selfish because I wanted presents for my birthday. What the FUCK.

I told her that I wanted another dog for my birthday. I told her that Amanda would've wanted me and Freddie to move on. (And it's not like Mom is still grieving for Amanda, considering she explicitly told me that she'd think about having another dog in the family. She even told me she loved pugs and wished she could have one, but can't because she's allergic) I told her how therapeutic pets are for me and how important it was for me to be surrounded by animals for my mental health. I told her that I felt like she was finding excuses for why I can't get a dog though I did everything I could to accommodate her needs, and that I felt hurt by that. So she goes and digs up all the mistakes I've ever made with Freddie, saying how OMG YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH and YOU DON'T BRUSH FREDDIE ENOUGH AND LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HIS COAT WHEN HE GOT TOO MATTED and YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB and did her best to make me sound like the most neglectful parent in the universe. 'Cause you know, forget that I've been taking Freddie on various trips to the dog park and other places you're allowed to walk dogs. Forget that I gave him a bath before one particular dog event so he would look and smell nice. Forget that I realized shearing him was a mistake and that I've been brushing his fur to make sure I don't do something careless like that again (Hell, I'm the only one who brushes and bathes him, and he's supposed to be the family pet. I certainly don't see Mom taking the effort to brush him). Forget that I volunteer my ass off at the Cattery and Gulf Coast Humane Society. Forget that I clean Ryu's cage every week and give him his dust baths when needed. Nope, I'm just an irresponsible git who neglects the pets she already has. Oh yeah, and then Mom goes and grumbles and rants and stews what horrible and awful and nasty and illogical people Dad and I are to my brother. That's always fun.

No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to address her concerns, Mom is just going to keep making up excuses. Because she won't outright tell me that I can't have a new dog because she's allergic to happiness and any effort I try to reduce or escape the drama and misery of the household.

So once again, I'm left in a position I hate. I fucking hate arguing. So I either don't say anything and be passive and let troubles stew in my mind, or I call her out for her selfishness and it results in a screamfest. I fucking hate this and I feel like I'm turning into a horrible person because of all the fights I get stuck in with my Mom. I don't want to be a person who starts fights and yells all the time. But Mom's already made me into one.

It's not like I can discuss this with Dad either, because either Dad will shut down or make excuses for Mom and how I shouldn't treat her like a bad person.

I think at this point I can pretty much say goodbye to going to Portland this year. Jimmy barely has enough money to get by and so does Aspen. Unless I get a job that makes me millions of dollars, I'm fucked. I get the feeling I probably won't be able to go to Portland at all. And I have absolutely nowhere else to go.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Sir Aaron/Lucario :: Epilogue)
Good News: I'm in Wisconsin with Mom and my brother! It's gorgeous up here as always. The weather is so much better, and the crisp air makes me feel so energetic! There's a room in Aunt Steph's house where she stored all of Uncle Ricke's collection of board games. It gives the room such a comfy feel, like Ricke is still here with us. :) It makes me feel so much better, since I was worried an air of sadness would hang over Wisconsin with his absence. I'm glad I was wrong. This room is proof of that, and I feel his warm presence like he's telling me I've got nothing to worry about. :) I hope we get to play one of his games before we go to Door County, he's got some neat looking ones.

Bad News: Neither Jimmy or Aspen have enough money for me to move in by the end of August, and September is looking unlikely, so I'm stuck in Corpus for even longer. :( When I get home, I really have to focus on getting a job. I'll have to keep bugging the local vet until I finally start training to become a vet assistant. :o

My birthday's coming up on the 22nd! Teddy/Loid art and/or fic will totally make me squeegle. Or any ship I like.Or anything based off my novel.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Nanami :: WTF)
I was clearly too optimistic last post. 'Cause now I remember WHY we've never succeeded in making our house look "normal" and clean enough to invite neighbors over.

Me: *dumps a bunch of garbage-looking papers in a bag*
Bag: *sits there and is never checked, so it becomes a part of the house's mess*

And he yells at me if I've already thrown the bag out.

What's the fucking point? Every little scrap of paper is apparently of ~*~enormous significance~*~ and something important will be OMG LOST FOREVER if it's thrown out. So if I'm sorting papers the "wrong way" by mixing what could be "important" papers with "garbage," I'll just get lectured and yelled at by Dad. Mom does the same thing, and her room is the most impossible place to clean in our garbage heap of a home.

No wonder we never get anything fucking finished. No wonder this house will never get clean.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Default)
It's official. There's absolutely nothing that can be done to help Ricke. His skin is completely yellow and he weighs 150 pounds.

We don't know how long he's going to stay in the hospice. But I hope it won't be long. I don't want him in pain anymore. I want him to be able to see his long-lost cat Kiki again. I want him to meet Amanda for the first time. I bet she'd love him and give him kisses.

My sister has a skin condition that prevents her from traveling, so she's hoping to say goodbye to him on Skype. I want to do the same. I just emailed my aunt asking for his username. I'm glad I visited him in Wisconsin, while he was laughing and happy. I'm glad I took videos of him with my 3DS. That way, I'll be able to hear his voice and jokes and laughter and remind me what a warm and kind person he is forever.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Utena :: Chillaxin')
Ryu had quite a day today! tw: Eye Scream aka Puri's too squeamish to be a vet ) He's been calm throughout the whole thing and never tried to escape. He's such a good boy. ;; The vet said she was also impressed how old he is, since the oldest chinchilla she had evermcared for was around eight years old (Ryu is 10-11).

Ryu's like the Snow White of the pet world; everybody who meets him loves him. ♥ The people outside in the waiting room were curious about my chinchilla, and a lady asked me if she could pet him. She's so enchanted and amazed how soft he is! Then she asked if she could take a picture of him with her cell phone, which I said of course, haha. I talked to the other patients and visited their pets while waiting on Dad and Ryu, hehe. A lady had two rescue doggies, both mixed, and one of them is likely to have Chinese Crested in her. :o The poor things were so nervous. I saw a couple with a Siberian husky mix, and I talked to them about Ryu, but I couldn't let them pet him because I didn't want their dog to jump all over me and him. :o

Ryu's currently relaxing in his little house right now, occasionally running on his UFO wheel. I'm so glad he's doing okay. ;;
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Touga/Saionji :: Nice Hair)
This is a video Dad took of our chickens eons ago.

There's a mystery still plaguing us to this day; what kind of chickens are they? They've got these beautiful black feathers with a blue sheen, and as you can see with one of the chickens, a gorgeous golden orange pattern.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Homura :: Eet)
70% of his liver has cancer. Or his colon. I can't remember which. But Uncle Ricke can't get donated a new liver because his colon is too cancerous. The hospital is contacting other doctors to see what they can do. But at this point... part of me wants to hold on to hope that he'll be okay and they'll find a way. That he'll recover like Freddie did. That some sort of miracle would occur. But it's looking extremely unlikely.

The worst part is this all could have been prevented. If he had access to screenings when he was fifty, they would've caught it early and saved him. He doesn't even have health care.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Touga/Saionji :: Nice Hair)
My youtube channel's been reccing me Pekingese videos lately. Not that I'm complaining. Way better than having PewDiePie shoved down my throat. :P

Before I was born, my parents had a red Pekingese named Rocky, named after the "Rocky Raccoon" Beatles song. He was as sweet as Freddie, until the day my sister was born. He got so jealous he tried to bite her face. The doctor told them that Pekingeses hated kids. WHOOPS. So they gave him away to a childless couple. They absolutely loved Rocky and pampered him and brought him everywhere. But one day, the wife got tired and collapsed in bed. Rocky jumped right up and bit her face. She had to get stitches, and Rocky had to be put down. Today, my parents believe it likely he had a negative reaction to a vaccine, hence his complete 180 in personality. He went from being this sweet little dog to a jealous and spiteful monster. Thankfully, shortly after Rocky passed away, the woman finally got pregnant and got the kid she and her husband always wanted.

I'm not planning on getting a Pekingese after Mom and Dad's tragic tale of Rocky. But I've always been curious about them and wanted to meet one in person. They look fucking ridiculous, like living feather dusters. Dad says he has pictures and videos of Rocky somewhere. I hope he finds them. I'm curious about that red fuzzball. I just hope I have a good experience and don't have one trying to bite my nose off. There's no worse betrayal than a dog biting you. :(

I guess your experience with a breed can really color your perspective of them. For example, I think Huskies are absolutely gorgeous. But my friend Aspen hates their guts. He grew up with one that was half-wolf, and his owner (his stepdad) had given no obedience training whatsoever. The dog murdered the cat that was supposed to help Aspen cope with his parents' divorce. The dog got so rowdy and vicious and out of hand that he had to be put down.

In contrast, I've had some nice encounters with Huskies. I've met some beautiful, friendly ones (like a silver husky named Luna) and a few heterochromic ones too. Huskies are too hyper and shed too much for me to own one (plus their natural instinct to go after prey animals, which is bad for Ryu) but I've always liked Huskies. They make me think of Balto and all those noble doggies who save sick children and find lost people in the snow.

Naturally, I'm biased towards Bichon Frises 'cause I've lived with one since I was ten. :P But yes. I've been studying dog breeds very carefully, and I want to be sure to get one with no jealous streaks and who gets along with my other pets. Namely a cat, chinchilla, and hedgehog. :P I've been looking at a lot of hypoallergenic doggies, like the Bichon and Maltese. :3 I'm still on the fence regarding pugs, since I absolutely fell in love with Ellie back at the Therapy Dogs event, but I'm not sure if I can handle a pug for 13+ years. You can always feel free to recommend breeds for me! Jean recc'd a Pomeranian, heh.

shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Mewtwo & Ai :: Tragic Friends)

Amanda Amethyst Roberts
8/14/1997 - 12/10/2014

Memories of a Precious Family Member )

This post has been crossposted with Dreamwidth at Pick your poison. Mwoiiiiiiiing~!
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Lewis :: Oh No My Heart)

Amanda Amethyst Roberts
8/14/1997 - 12/10/2014

Memories of a Precious Family Member )
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Homura :: Eet)
My uncle has Stage 4 colon cancer. And he didn't find out about it until last Tuesday. The hospital can't do surgery on him because the tumors are too big. Chemotherapy is all they can do right now.

Please oh please oh please oh god please don't let him die.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Luigi :: Sob)
...It finally happened. Mom and Dad may get a divorce.

Basically, my Dad became friends with a patient of his named Jenny. Somewhere along the way, they fell in love, but they agreed not to have a sexual relationship. Annnnnnnnnnnd Mom just found out about it.

To be honest, I saw the divorce coming. I've wanted to get away from Mom for a long time, and I'd take Dad with me because she's been doing a number on his mental health. I just don't know what the hell is going to happen. Dad and I know that Mom won't be able to take care of herself. My brother is likely to stay with her and he has a job now, but he won't make enough to be able to support her. And there's no way my relatives will put up with her. Mom's been constantly berating and verbally abusing us for years (my brother and maybe my sister is the only one she still has a good relationship with), but she can't support herself.

I told Dad that Jimmy and I have an open relationship. And now Mom knows too. Initially, I wasn't going to tell her because then she'd go "So THAT'S why he hasn't been seeing you! He's been with another girl!" and use it against me next time we fight by railing on that he doesn't really care for me (1. Jimmy's been getting ready for a con in Dallas. 2. He's probably afraid to visit me because he doesn't want to get involved with Mom's drama or her fights with Dad) With those reasons, I understand why Dad didn't tell Mom about Jenny. (That, and he didn't want Mom to threaten her) Dad obviously still loves Mom. He's very concerned about her health and doesn't want to leave her by herself, even after all their fights and her constantly belittling and triggering his PTSD. That's why he's stayed with her, because they've been together for years and years before her mental illness took over her personality. He has never, ever, cheated on her in their whole marriage. And there's a HUGE difference between cheating and loving more than one person.

Anyway, I was trying to defend Dad by bringing up my open relationship, and she's convinced Jimmy isn't sincere though I tell her he's been nothing but. She says that what goes on between me and Jimmy is none of her business, but that from now on, he should wear a condom for my own safety (Yeah, as if he totally isn't an intelligent and responsible guy who doesn't know what he's doing) Jimmy's been honest with me since Day 1. If he had feelings for another person, he tells me. And Jimmy and I talked to each other in great length about it. I know he loves my best friend Aspen as much as he loves me, and there's a girl he likes too. Jimmy, Aspen and I are like a trio. An OT3 where Aspen is my moirail and Jimmy is my matesprit. When I told Dad that, he said, "And now, I think I finally understand that."

I want to stay with Dad and Jimmy, but we don't know what's going to happen to Mom. Or me and Dad, for that matter. It seems the longer I stay with my family, the worse things get. I don't know when I'll be able to move in with Aspen in Portland, though. If it doesn't seem likely anytime soon, Dad's thinking of getting an apartment for me. Though if you're a close friend and you want to offer me a temporary place to stay, I'd humongously appreciate it. *hug*

Nice to know that my life keeps getting kicked in the balls.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Togekiss :: Kiss This)
Yay, feeling like a sack of garbage is fun. I've been struggling with sleep problems again, and it figures that the day I finally have enough energy to start my final paper for history class, Mom had to be super bitchy and get in a fight with me and Dad, so it made me feel too miserable to concentrate on even starting it. Fuck. I just went to talk to a counselor and managed to contact Dad, he says he might be able to help me with my essay. Guh. I just want the day to end and my paper to go poof.

Anyhoo, made my [community profile] areyougame claims:

December 2 - Pokémon Conquest, Oichi: Karaoke – Occasionally, she and Jigglypuff liven things up with a bit of song.
December 6 - Pokémon, Any: legendary pokemon – unexpectedly loves ear scritches
December 17 - - Pokemon, Serena/Shauna: first kiss - feels like watching fireworks.
December 18 - Serena/Emma: affection - Emma has a crush on Serena, and tries to figure out how to tell her.
December 24 - Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Alexander/Daniel: fairytale au - the big bad wolf comes to feast on your heart.

I'm so rusty on Conquest, but thankfully, fic only needs to be at 100 words, so a quick overview shouldn't hurt. It's the Amnesia one that'll probably have me digging my own grave. :/ I have such a creepy plotbunny for that particular prompt though, and I couldn't resist. :o Hint: involves wine and meat.

I wonder if there'll be interesting treat prompts for Yuletide this year.

Ugh, back to feeling like crap.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Zoroark & Zorua :: Family)
- We found the stray dog a new home! Now she has space to run around as much as she wants. :3 Plus she would've been unhappy for the long-run at our house, since it's so crammed and messy. Plus Mom has allergies and her eyes were turning red.

- I signed up for Yuletide at the last possible minute. <.<;;; I've also been playing Pokemon X like crazy. Hopefully I'll be finished on time so I'll be able to include it for my requests on time for PokeExchange. :3

My final team hasn't been decided yet, since I keep finding Pokemon in tall grass that I squeal over. Here's my friend code so we can play together. :3

Giselle: 3454-1097-4415

Mwoiiiiiiing~! ♥
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Raggedy Ann :: Ragdolly)
Sadly, Sydney hasn't come home to us yet, and we don't know if he ever will. :( But the most unusual thing happened today! While I was at university, Dad was cleaning his car, and this large dog jumped into the back seat and wouldn't leave. :o We don't know what breed she is yet, but she's got a black and silver coat with brown eyes and she's very pretty. ;; She's got wounds around her neck though, like someone kept her tight on a leash or something. :( She seems really starved for affection; she's constantly kissing us and is very sweet. She doesn't even chase the chickens in the backyard like Freddie does. :o Usually she's sleeping or drinking a lot of water, but so far hasn't eaten much, even when given a doggie treat. She follows Mom into her room and doesn't ever want to leave her side. :o She's thin, but thankfully not emaciated. We have no idea if she's lost or escaped from a bad home or what. Either way, we're looking up suitable names for her. :o So far, we're considering Cosette, since she's a beautiful kindly doggie that we saved from the streets. ;;

Mom took a picture of her with Dad, so I hope I'll be able to upload it and share with everyone soon.

I don't know if I'll be joining Yuletide this year. Not a whole lot of fandoms interest me except Dynamite Headdy, Gender/Sexbent Disney by Ripushko, Madoka, and maybe Space Funeral and Candle Cove. And I don't feel like attempting Twisted Princesses again until Twisted Olivia exists. :P Wasn't there a lot of wank at Yuletide last year too? I dunno, but I heard stories. *shrug* I'm more interested in the Pokemon Exchange, which I'll link to next post, nom.

Back to improving my sleep patterns. I dunwanna study for my midterrrrm... *cries*
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Mami :: Running Out of Time)
At 2pm yesterday, my Dad was out gardening and Sydney, our gray cockatiel, flew away from his shoulder. We haven't been able to find him since. His wings aren't clipped, though he's a terrible flier and often crashes into things. We searched the entire neighborhood and put up "Lost" posters. Dad's calling an animal center for help.

I just hope Sydney's okay and not starving or eaten by a predator. My Dad's been through enough crap already... he doesn't need to lose Sydney too. I hope he comes home soon.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Fix-It Felix Jr. :: Cursed With Awesome)
Me: "I finished cleaning the floor of the kids' bathroom last night. I'll take care of the sink tomorrow."

Optimist: "You're doing a great job! It looks beautiful!"
Pessimist: *waits until they think I'm asleep* "Well, the floor is clean, but she didn't do the toilet and the sink, whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine."

Guess which is Dad and which is Mom.

Yeah, thanks for the encouragement, Mom. I appreciate your gratitude. I could win the fucking lottery and all you'd think of is how careless I'd be and spend it all within a day.
shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Rarity :: Wangst)
Next time I see my psychologist, I think I'm going to ask him about therapy regarding verbal abuse. If there's some sort of support group I can go to.

Because I'm sick and tired of being told that Mom is mentally ill and "this isn't her real self" (I am well aware of that) and that "she's going to get better." Nobody should have to tolerate the sort of treatment she's been giving me, bipolar disorder or not. Even worse is when my sister tells me I have to "understand" and not be so spiteful towards her (when Mom has blown up at me and held grudges even when I had the patience of a thousand saints), and now my little brother has been spoonfed all of Mom's delusions and tells me "you shouldn't hurt Mom's feelings!" He blames me for Mom's terrible moodswings even though she's constantly made me cry without me initiating anything. He doesn't get it. And no matter how hard I try to explain to him, I shouldn't be hurting Mom's precious feelings, nevermind that my own have been shattered constantly.

I'm tired of trying to emphasize with someone who disregards my feelings and stomps all over me long after I've begged her over and over again to stop. I'm tired of being forced to "understand" a woman who is selfish and lashes out at me and Dad because she's disappointed in herself. I'm tired of being a victim, and be told I must sympathize with my perpetrator. This is not okay.

In short, I'm sick of feeling like shit, then being told it's my fault and that the "real victim" is my Mom. That's the impression I'm getting from the rest of my family, anyway. Even my well-intentioned Dad doesn't want me to resent her. Is it really such a crime to be angry at a family member? And no, I am NOT ready to forgive. (And yes, I know what forgiveness means. Letting go and moving on with life instead of pretending everything is hunky-dory, etc.) Not if the abuse is going to happen again. And you sure as hell don't rush forgiveness.


shamanicshaymin: Quote from Napstablook from Undertale (Default)

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