All art is at once surface and symbol

Gah, it's harder and harder to think these days. I'm not sad at the moment, but... it's so confusing. My head's all jumbled with a storm of thoughts, and I feel like writing or talking about it with someone, but I get this blank box or empty AIM window, and I never know what to type. So... I clamp up, or something?

It's also very noisy in the apartment. Albeit, my IRL friends are way chattier than I am and they don't mind this, but I feel... drained. You know how some people feel energized around others and get antsy when they're alone? I'm kind of the opposite. Even around people I like, I start feeling like I humongously need space after a certain period of time, and it's nothing against them... just "okay I need alone time now." It's hard for me to concentrate on thinking or reading or things like that when people are talking and talking all around you or playing video games or something.

At least my friends aren't the obnoxious party types. That's one thing I'm grateful for. :P More space for myself would be nice, but then I think about home and I'd rather be at the apartment than having some decent alone-time only to be interrupted by my angry Mom and that's not good. I just don't feel comfortable coming home until I get a job. And of course, the more I think about jobs, the more depressed I get. I know my parents aren't gonna help me with getting one if I come home, and it's like... the more I talk about getting employed, the more it saps my good mood and the more useless I feel. ghjkdghsgjks.

I've been going out for more walks lately, if only to get a chance alone with music and also fresh air. While it's been hard to read due to the crowdedness of the apartment, I did get some reading done... I finished Part 1 of Maurice! I'm thanking god the chapters are short because I'm easily distracted by indoor noise (I don't like reading outside though) and the scenery for reading isn't exactly great. (I've been hesitant to use the bed for reading since Reading in Bed = Bad and Will Make It Hard to Sleep, but I'm better off with the bed than the chair. Glancing between pages at the litterbox kinda kills the mood) But based on what I've read so far and if I can shut my brain off long enough to stop worrying, I'm enjoying the book so far and am looking forward to what happens next. ;; I have such high hopes for Maurice and I wanna finish it as soon as possible so I can watch the movie like dioschorium recommended and get the most out of the story. The book is rousing my emotions in all the nice ways. :o Also, Maurice himself is a derpface and needs several good slaps upside the head. Maybe not his fault considering how he was raised and how 1910s English society expected him to act, but still. LET'S SEE HOW HE TURNS OUT IN THE END.

Speaking of movies, I finally got to see Secret of Kells! It's such a gorgeous movie, I don't even hdskjghskjg. So much eye candy. I was surprised how short it was (at least according to today's movie standards), but I don't mind. Aisling's movements were so... fluid. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. :o ( Spoiler snip. )

Dad and I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant, nom. After that, I asked him to take me to Barnes N' Noble for a while. I don't know why, but while I was there, I was met with the usual comfort of BOOKS BOOKS EVERYWHERE, but I also felt this overwhelming... sadness. Something like complete disappointment in myself. I pass by the shelves with interesting looking books on them, especially those just recently published by first-time authors. Why the hell aren't you reading/writing, Puri? I suppose I could pride myself in being better than some awful YA vampire novel-of-the-month, but there's the fact they actually finished a damn novel and got published. And I'm not even close to having a full manuscript. Then there's the books that look awesome and original, and I think, "Oh god, I'm nowhere like that, they're so much better than me. I should be ashamed. Why should I even try--o god what the fuck no I still want to but I feel inferior. But--But--I'm so full of 'buts' and excuses." I get a little excited because a couple books that looked neat to me mentioned stage magicians, but I'm also thinking, "My god, what if stage magicians/illusionists/escape artists are going to become a trend? By the time you even finish your book, if at all, people are going to take one look at the illusionist character in your novel and think, 'Oh god, not another one. Another author hopping on the bandwagon, I see.'"

( Novel whining. I'm getting rid of a character I have no interest in. )

I still feel humongously tempted to start my novel from the beginning again, constantly. My current first draft is virtually the opposite of my NaNoDraft, and nothing is consistent. I know what my plot is, but I can't organize it for the fricken' life of me and it makes me really upset. I can share some passages, but I'd be hard-pressed to show things from the beginning in order because... hdskjghdskjghdkg it's a muddled mess. And I don't even know where to go next. I know specific scenes, but I don't even know what all the rooms in the museum are. And I really don't want to quit on this novel because it's so important to me. I love the ideas I have for it so it's definitely a case of Writer's Block. Am I revealing too much at once, aka things that should've been spoilers from the beginning? Just... gdhsgdskgjdskg

I keep telling myself to make a damn LJ post exclusively to explain what my book is about. I should. I am so goddamn embarrassed about the earlier entries regarding my novel because they sound so goddamn skeevy. Gods, there I go, being paranoid and self-conscious again.

Note to self: When I see my psychologist tomorrow, talk to him about your insecurity/lack of confidence in yourself. GAH PURI JUST GO FOR A WALK ALREADY. I need to clear my head before I sit anywhere near a keyboard again.

Okay, people on LJ may or may not know this, but I love watching the Cinema Snob. I don't consider myself a fan of exploitation flicks, being the squeamish person I am, but damn, the Snob's humor goes right in line with mine~ ♥ I shared his videos with James and now we're both fans. The movies the Snob reviews and the jokes he makes becomes injokes among James and I.

And now, I have a greater respect for the Cinema Snob than ever. Why? Because he has a stronger stomach than both of us combined. *salute* Case in point. James and I trying to watch Pink Flamingos. (His idea, not mine.)

Me: Hey, this isn't so bad.
Screen: *shows the chicken scene*
Me: ...Um.

Then after urm... the syringe scene, and the short scene after that (where our main villains announce their diabolical plans to ruin Divine's birthday), we had to stop the movie.

MY BRAINS. I WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN. DDD: *hedgehog hiss forever* I'm... actually glad that we didn't continue this movie. Usually I'm a stickler about watching the entire thing when it comes to books/movies/whatever, but... considering what happens in Pink Flamingos for the ending, I don't think I'll regret not seeing it.

James and I went to watch South Park (aka a Cute Episode with Butters, and Stan being sad because Wendy broken up with him) and I'm still waiting to heal. I wanted to watch FAKE for a remedy, but it wasn't available on Netflix. Noooooooes. ;;

We're going to bed, 'cause I'm having my first sleepover~ ♥ I'll just have to scrub the images of Pink Flamingos by reading one of my new Raggedy Ann books. Yeeeah. *picks up Paper Dragon* SAVE ME JOHNNY GRUELLE. TAKE ME AWAY TO FAIRY TALE LANDS WITH FRIENDLY WOODLAND CREATURES WHO SPEAK OF KINDNESS AND BENEVOLENCE AND EVERYTHING IS PURE. I WAS A KID ONCE. REALLY. I PROMISE I WON'T MAKE PERVERTED JOKES ABOUT RAGGEDY ANDY. REALLY. (Okay, he's still gay, but it's an adorable innocent cute gay. No sex here. SEE? There's still hope for me. ;; *whimper*)

James apologizes for showing Pink Flamingos. It's okay, I forgive him~ ♥

I signed up for kink_bingo and hc_bingo! :3 I signed for both at DW, but I also saved the cards on my creative LJ so it'll be easier for me to keep track. I'm so pleased with my H/C card that I wanna do a blackout~ ♥

Tomorrow, I'll be heading up to Wisconsin with my mom and brother to see my cousin's wedding~ I'll be visiting House on the Rock on the final day (which should be Wednesday 20th I think) so it looks like I'll be gone for a little over a week. I hope to take lots of pictures while I'm there. James is a sweetheart and got me my own camera as a present for the trip. I have the best boyfriend in the entire world~ ♥♥♥

I'll be bringing my laptop with me, but I doubt I'll have much Internet access. So I'll be bringing games/manga/books with me, including PokeSpecial: Gold & Silver and Watership Down. :3

I'll be missing you, flist~! ♥

I've been having a bad case of insomnia lately, so that could partly explain why I feel kinda Internet-reclusive. Well, aside from reading Cracked.com articles and catching up with AVGN and Nostalgia Critic. Nothing's been really inspiring me lately, so I felt like some kinda walking blank slate that's bored with everything. It's like even my music isn't exciting me much. It sucks. D: I just... feel so incredibly burnt out. That, or tired. With undertones of stress. My brain's telling me to write again, and I know I miss it. My muse refuses to touch the N/Touko kink meme fill though, leaning more towards Howl aka The Novel. Which leads to me opening my notebook and proceeding to criticize every little thing about my writing.

Me: Okay, our heroes are out to get a brochure of the museum so they can get a map and know where to go next.
Mind: What does the main hallway of the museum look like? Holy crap, you've never been in a toy museum, have you? How are the rooms organized? What the hell would be in the main hallway? Are you certain it'd be empty? 'Cause there could be random toys running around that live IN the main hallway. How big is it? You don't want it TOO big, since it's more like an "organized attic" but you don't want it TOO little 'cause then it'd be easy to explore the damn place and your characters will look like wimps. Speaking of characters, are they pulling their weight? Andy's a non-action hero, and there's realism to consider, but there's a difference between making an occasional slip-up to being useless and someone who doesn't really do anything and just being annoying. Oh yeah, um, the main hallway, you can't even make your mind up what it looks like, does it? There's a model ferris wheel... wait, why would it not be moving? Of course it might move. Of course there might be smaller toys riding it, but then it wouldn't quite be isolated would it...
Me: ...brb calling it a day.

This inner critic is impeding my writing, I swear to god. :/

So... sorry I've been quiet, flist. I just haven't had much to talk about lately. :(

And for the millionth time, Mom drives Dad out of the house screaming by constantly talking. No, it's not an exaggeration. They do this everyday lately and it's... dghfjdg gah.

Apologies to the flist for being cranky. My sleep schedule's fucked up again (sleep all day, stay up all night) and it may have something to do with it. Eh.

Exploring the Grimmification page on TV Tropes is fun. ♥ I don't have much else to say, but I watched Harry Patridge videos the other day and that was fun. I'd totally watch Johnny Depp in Burtonland if it was real~ ♥♥♥ MAKE IT HAPPEN TIM BURTON. YOU KNOW YOU WANNA. ;D

( Some of it's NSFW, just so you know. )

I also played All Of Our Friends Are Dead and Au Sable. You can download both here. While creepy/atmospheric, it wasn't as scary as I hoped they'd be. Some of the cryptic words and phrases worked and added to the atmosphere, but most of it felt like emo poetry written by angsty teenagers to show off how dark and edgy they are. Also, naked woman. Ooooh, scary. Though to be fair, the final boss in Au Sable was more interesting and I actually had a "whoa" moment there. Au Sable was generally the better game, though the protagonist of AOOFAD looks like Mewtwo with a machine gun, so I'm tempted to draw that. :P Come to think of it, the game makes more sense if you look at it as Mewtwo's story in an AU gone wrong. Kinda. Au Sable had better story structure though, making it more like a haunted folk tale, which is nice. :o

I like that in Au Sable, two eyeballs float behind the player in a red chain and actually help out on solving puzzles and opening doors; I'll have to borrow that for a novel some time. Au Sable also gets bonus points because the protagonist reminds me of Marcella Pike from my NaNo'09 novel, only Marcella's dark-haired instead of a redhead. ;D They even have the same type of gun at the beginning. Dang.

But yes. Both games are short, but worth a run, if only to check out the atmosphere. Just don't expect to be flat-out traumatized like the guy who reviewed the games at Freeware Friday. :P Yay for being jaded!

You know what would be a cool Pokemon challenge? Beating the entire game with nothing but a team of Spindas.

What? Not only do they express their individuality through their spots, they also learn a variety of moves in the D/P/Pt/HG/SS generation. Their stats are straight 60s, but hey, people are always finding ways to make Pokemon harder and harder for themselves. :P The con is that you need the National Dex (unless you're taking the challenge in R/S/E, and I don't know when you can start trading between GBA carts), so you'd need cheats and Gameshark in order to start from the beginning of the game with Spinda at all and... okay. Forget I said anything. XDD;;; Sounded like a good idea at the time though! :P

Pokemon: Spotted Version! I'd play it. For the lulz. XD

My search for Drunk!Spinda (aka Shiny!Spinda) on GPX+ is fruitless. Oh well. I'll keep hatching Spindas while doing the Deoxys mission 'cause hey. There's a comforting monotony in hatching the same egg over and over again, as I learned while hatching Togies and Igglybuffs. :P

I want a .gif of the bartender Spinda in MD2: EoS shaking up a juice for you. I always get mesmerized when I watch him. "Shake it this way, shake it that way, and stir it all around... and it's done!" When I get Photoshop back, I want to add it as an animated icon with the caption, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." 'Cause that's what it totally looks like. Nomnomnomnomnom~ ♥

I haven't done much with my Platinum version. As a warm-up for Secret Santa soon, maybe I'll start a new game after I import my rare mon. I'm gonna pick Chimchar as my starter 'cause I want to raise an Infernape, nomnomnom~ ♥ Probably send myself a Totodile egg since I never really used Totodile before, and hey, it'll be interesting for Sinnoh. Empoleon and I didn't really click, and as much as I love Torterra (GROUND HYBRIDS FUCK YEAH), it's fucking agonizing to skip Roserade because I already had a grass type in my party. ;-; Does anyone else pick their starter according to how rare a certain type is in a region? Kanto's the exception since I always choose Squirtle anyway. :P Except Yellow, where I get Pikachu and it's already too late in the game for Squirtle. ;; Or I use him anyway, I can't remember. But I always abuse the fuck out of Charmander in Yellow. But you guys know what I mean, right? I didn't really get to do much with Grovyle, let alone Sceptile, because my heart always pointed to Shroomish. ;; Then if you pick Torchic, you got a choice between Camerupt (who I haven't tried yet, but I remember being useful in Battle Revolution) and Torkoal, and Torkoal is badass. As much as I like using Wingull and Pelipper (and hey, free flyer!), it gets kinda tiring/boring seeing/using them over and over again. Waaaah, I don't know. ;; But gah, I do love Swampert, he's a fucking juggernaut. I'm amazed how much patience I had to catch and breed Feebas, and it shows how much effort (and effort values!) I put into it through one of my all-time strongest party members, Tikal the Milotic. Just... wow.

That reminds me. I should finish Emerald, shouldn't I? Last time, I believe I got the last badge from Juan. :o I think there's side-quests I gotta do though, including LOTS and LOTS of SURFING... noooooooooooo I dunwanna go nooooooooooooooooo! *hedgehog hiss* Maybe hunting for Bagons will make me feel better. Maybe? Makes me want to say it the way Gollum would. "Currrrrrrssssssssssse you, BAGGINSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

Geeking about playing Pokemon is fun. ♥