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Oct. 26th, 2011 10:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminGah, it's harder and harder to think these days. I'm not sad at the moment, but... it's so confusing. My head's all jumbled with a storm of thoughts, and I feel like writing or talking about it with someone, but I get this blank box or empty AIM window, and I never know what to type. So... I clamp up, or something?
It's also very noisy in the apartment. Albeit, my IRL friends are way chattier than I am and they don't mind this, but I feel... drained. You know how some people feel energized around others and get antsy when they're alone? I'm kind of the opposite. Even around people I like, I start feeling like I humongously need space after a certain period of time, and it's nothing against them... just "okay I need alone time now." It's hard for me to concentrate on thinking or reading or things like that when people are talking and talking all around you or playing video games or something.
At least my friends aren't the obnoxious party types. That's one thing I'm grateful for. :P More space for myself would be nice, but then I think about home and I'd rather be at the apartment than having some decent alone-time only to be interrupted by my angry Mom and that's not good. I just don't feel comfortable coming home until I get a job. And of course, the more I think about jobs, the more depressed I get. I know my parents aren't gonna help me with getting one if I come home, and it's like... the more I talk about getting employed, the more it saps my good mood and the more useless I feel. ghjkdghsgjks.
I've been going out for more walks lately, if only to get a chance alone with music and also fresh air. While it's been hard to read due to the crowdedness of the apartment, I did get some reading done... I finished Part 1 of Maurice! I'm thanking god the chapters are short because I'm easily distracted by indoor noise (I don't like reading outside though) and the scenery for reading isn't exactly great. (I've been hesitant to use the bed for reading since Reading in Bed = Bad and Will Make It Hard to Sleep, but I'm better off with the bed than the chair. Glancing between pages at the litterbox kinda kills the mood) But based on what I've read so far and if I can shut my brain off long enough to stop worrying, I'm enjoying the book so far and am looking forward to what happens next. ;; I have such high hopes for Maurice and I wanna finish it as soon as possible so I can watch the movie like![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dioschorium recommended and get the most out of the story. The book is rousing my emotions in all the nice ways. :o Also, Maurice himself is a derpface and needs several good slaps upside the head. Maybe not his fault considering how he was raised and how 1910s English society expected him to act, but still. LET'S SEE HOW HE TURNS OUT IN THE END.
Speaking of movies, I finally got to see Secret of Kells! It's such a gorgeous movie, I don't even hdskjghskjg. So much eye candy. I was surprised how short it was (at least according to today's movie standards), but I don't mind. Aisling's movements were so... fluid. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. :o I expected Abbot to die, so I was surprised he got up and was alive by the film's ending. While I consider the highlight of the movie to be in its animation, I did like the ending where he and Brendan were reunited. Daaw. I guess I'm just so used to the "Well Done Son" Guy trope where the father figure only acknowledges his love for his son after he's been shot/hit by the villain/dying, so I see something that turns out differently and I think, yes!
Dad and I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant, nom. After that, I asked him to take me to Barnes N' Noble for a while. I don't know why, but while I was there, I was met with the usual comfort of BOOKS BOOKS EVERYWHERE, but I also felt this overwhelming... sadness. Something like complete disappointment in myself. I pass by the shelves with interesting looking books on them, especially those just recently published by first-time authors. Why the hell aren't you reading/writing, Puri? I suppose I could pride myself in being better than some awful YA vampire novel-of-the-month, but there's the fact they actually finished a damn novel and got published. And I'm not even close to having a full manuscript. Then there's the books that look awesome and original, and I think, "Oh god, I'm nowhere like that, they're so much better than me. I should be ashamed. Why should I even try--o god what the fuck no I still want to but I feel inferior. But--But--I'm so full of 'buts' and excuses." I get a little excited because a couple books that looked neat to me mentioned stage magicians, but I'm also thinking, "My god, what if stage magicians/illusionists/escape artists are going to become a trend? By the time you even finish your book, if at all, people are going to take one look at the illusionist character in your novel and think, 'Oh god, not another one. Another author hopping on the bandwagon, I see.'"
I'm thinking of axing another character from my novel: Virginia. She's been giving me so much problems and I honestly find her dull compared to the rest of the cast I have so far, even if she and many of the others still have the personality of cardboard. I even find myself hating her because she feels too much like a Token Female (despite there being another female character in the Group of Adventurers, and of course, at Medlock's lab is Raggedy Ann herself. They're both 47534864386748x more interesting and have more potential than Virginia) and people would think she was a Shallow Love Interest when I hadn't intended on pairing her with anyone at all. (Given that Raggedy Andy would end up with Marius anyway, no question. No gag-inducing triangles either) I even entertained myself with the thought of sinking the Andy/Virginia ship (Virginia telling Andy she liked him, Andy politely telling her he only saw her as a friend, Virginia being "okay" and a little upset/angry and refusing to speak to him for a while, Andy feeling guilty, Virginia moves on and is just fine without a love interest, etc.), and even typing the scenario out makes me cringe simply because of how wrong it sounds. Subversion or not, I don't think I can go through with this with such a dull character I don't care about in an effort to make her interesting.
The reason I've kept her for so long is because of a plot twist I thought of working with. So Virginia joined Andy because he was looking for his sister; she was looking for her long-lost dad. Long-lost dad is Dr. Medlock, who has been trying to recreate his lost family for nearly 18-21 years. He adopted his name from his owner, a little girl whose surname was Medlock; and that was Virginia's connection to him and how she knew he was still alive somewhere in the museum. We learn this Luke-I-Am-Your-Father twist early, so it's hanging over our heads for dramatic irony. So when Medlock and Virginia meet... hoo boy. Congratulations, Dr. Medlock. You've pointlessly experimented on innocent toys for a daughter who was alive all along. O THE TRAGEDY!!1!111
Unfortunately, this is all Virginia has for her. That, and her name, which is a reference to the "Yes Virginia..." Santa Claus letter. (Doesn't help I can't even make her mind on her appearance, and it's not like the cast needs another ragdoll when I want my cast to be more varied) Like any axed character, she might come back, but it's incredibly unlikely. While I'm more certain of other character's roles, Virginia has been nothing but a blank and I think it'd be easier if I got rid of her than to carry around extra baggage. That way, it'll be easier for me to focus on developing the other characters. I dislike having Too Many Characters anyway.
The whole Luke-I-Am-Your-Father thing is overdone anyway. Plus Dr. Medlock has proven himself to be plenty tragic/monstrous on his own.
I still feel humongously tempted to start my novel from the beginning again, constantly. My current first draft is virtually the opposite of my NaNoDraft, and nothing is consistent. I know what my plot is, but I can't organize it for the fricken' life of me and it makes me really upset. I can share some passages, but I'd be hard-pressed to show things from the beginning in order because... hdskjghdskjghdkg it's a muddled mess. And I don't even know where to go next. I know specific scenes, but I don't even know what all the rooms in the museum are. And I really don't want to quit on this novel because it's so important to me. I love the ideas I have for it so it's definitely a case of Writer's Block. Am I revealing too much at once, aka things that should've been spoilers from the beginning? Just... gdhsgdskgjdskg
I keep telling myself to make a damn LJ post exclusively to explain what my book is about. I should. I am so goddamn embarrassed about the earlier entries regarding my novel because they sound so goddamn skeevy. Gods, there I go, being paranoid and self-conscious again.
Note to self: When I see my psychologist tomorrow, talk to him about your insecurity/lack of confidence in yourself. GAH PURI JUST GO FOR A WALK ALREADY. I need to clear my head before I sit anywhere near a keyboard again.
It's also very noisy in the apartment. Albeit, my IRL friends are way chattier than I am and they don't mind this, but I feel... drained. You know how some people feel energized around others and get antsy when they're alone? I'm kind of the opposite. Even around people I like, I start feeling like I humongously need space after a certain period of time, and it's nothing against them... just "okay I need alone time now." It's hard for me to concentrate on thinking or reading or things like that when people are talking and talking all around you or playing video games or something.
At least my friends aren't the obnoxious party types. That's one thing I'm grateful for. :P More space for myself would be nice, but then I think about home and I'd rather be at the apartment than having some decent alone-time only to be interrupted by my angry Mom and that's not good. I just don't feel comfortable coming home until I get a job. And of course, the more I think about jobs, the more depressed I get. I know my parents aren't gonna help me with getting one if I come home, and it's like... the more I talk about getting employed, the more it saps my good mood and the more useless I feel. ghjkdghsgjks.
I've been going out for more walks lately, if only to get a chance alone with music and also fresh air. While it's been hard to read due to the crowdedness of the apartment, I did get some reading done... I finished Part 1 of Maurice! I'm thanking god the chapters are short because I'm easily distracted by indoor noise (I don't like reading outside though) and the scenery for reading isn't exactly great. (I've been hesitant to use the bed for reading since Reading in Bed = Bad and Will Make It Hard to Sleep, but I'm better off with the bed than the chair. Glancing between pages at the litterbox kinda kills the mood) But based on what I've read so far and if I can shut my brain off long enough to stop worrying, I'm enjoying the book so far and am looking forward to what happens next. ;; I have such high hopes for Maurice and I wanna finish it as soon as possible so I can watch the movie like
dioschorium recommended and get the most out of the story. The book is rousing my emotions in all the nice ways. :o Also, Maurice himself is a derpface and needs several good slaps upside the head. Maybe not his fault considering how he was raised and how 1910s English society expected him to act, but still. LET'S SEE HOW HE TURNS OUT IN THE END.Speaking of movies, I finally got to see Secret of Kells! It's such a gorgeous movie, I don't even hdskjghskjg. So much eye candy. I was surprised how short it was (at least according to today's movie standards), but I don't mind. Aisling's movements were so... fluid. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. :o I expected Abbot to die, so I was surprised he got up and was alive by the film's ending. While I consider the highlight of the movie to be in its animation, I did like the ending where he and Brendan were reunited. Daaw. I guess I'm just so used to the "Well Done Son" Guy trope where the father figure only acknowledges his love for his son after he's been shot/hit by the villain/dying, so I see something that turns out differently and I think, yes!
Dad and I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant, nom. After that, I asked him to take me to Barnes N' Noble for a while. I don't know why, but while I was there, I was met with the usual comfort of BOOKS BOOKS EVERYWHERE, but I also felt this overwhelming... sadness. Something like complete disappointment in myself. I pass by the shelves with interesting looking books on them, especially those just recently published by first-time authors. Why the hell aren't you reading/writing, Puri? I suppose I could pride myself in being better than some awful YA vampire novel-of-the-month, but there's the fact they actually finished a damn novel and got published. And I'm not even close to having a full manuscript. Then there's the books that look awesome and original, and I think, "Oh god, I'm nowhere like that, they're so much better than me. I should be ashamed. Why should I even try--o god what the fuck no I still want to but I feel inferior. But--But--I'm so full of 'buts' and excuses." I get a little excited because a couple books that looked neat to me mentioned stage magicians, but I'm also thinking, "My god, what if stage magicians/illusionists/escape artists are going to become a trend? By the time you even finish your book, if at all, people are going to take one look at the illusionist character in your novel and think, 'Oh god, not another one. Another author hopping on the bandwagon, I see.'"
I'm thinking of axing another character from my novel: Virginia. She's been giving me so much problems and I honestly find her dull compared to the rest of the cast I have so far, even if she and many of the others still have the personality of cardboard. I even find myself hating her because she feels too much like a Token Female (despite there being another female character in the Group of Adventurers, and of course, at Medlock's lab is Raggedy Ann herself. They're both 47534864386748x more interesting and have more potential than Virginia) and people would think she was a Shallow Love Interest when I hadn't intended on pairing her with anyone at all. (Given that Raggedy Andy would end up with Marius anyway, no question. No gag-inducing triangles either) I even entertained myself with the thought of sinking the Andy/Virginia ship (Virginia telling Andy she liked him, Andy politely telling her he only saw her as a friend, Virginia being "okay" and a little upset/angry and refusing to speak to him for a while, Andy feeling guilty, Virginia moves on and is just fine without a love interest, etc.), and even typing the scenario out makes me cringe simply because of how wrong it sounds. Subversion or not, I don't think I can go through with this with such a dull character I don't care about in an effort to make her interesting.
The reason I've kept her for so long is because of a plot twist I thought of working with. So Virginia joined Andy because he was looking for his sister; she was looking for her long-lost dad. Long-lost dad is Dr. Medlock, who has been trying to recreate his lost family for nearly 18-21 years. He adopted his name from his owner, a little girl whose surname was Medlock; and that was Virginia's connection to him and how she knew he was still alive somewhere in the museum. We learn this Luke-I-Am-Your-Father twist early, so it's hanging over our heads for dramatic irony. So when Medlock and Virginia meet... hoo boy. Congratulations, Dr. Medlock. You've pointlessly experimented on innocent toys for a daughter who was alive all along. O THE TRAGEDY!!1!111
Unfortunately, this is all Virginia has for her. That, and her name, which is a reference to the "Yes Virginia..." Santa Claus letter. (Doesn't help I can't even make her mind on her appearance, and it's not like the cast needs another ragdoll when I want my cast to be more varied) Like any axed character, she might come back, but it's incredibly unlikely. While I'm more certain of other character's roles, Virginia has been nothing but a blank and I think it'd be easier if I got rid of her than to carry around extra baggage. That way, it'll be easier for me to focus on developing the other characters. I dislike having Too Many Characters anyway.
The whole Luke-I-Am-Your-Father thing is overdone anyway. Plus Dr. Medlock has proven himself to be plenty tragic/monstrous on his own.
I still feel humongously tempted to start my novel from the beginning again, constantly. My current first draft is virtually the opposite of my NaNoDraft, and nothing is consistent. I know what my plot is, but I can't organize it for the fricken' life of me and it makes me really upset. I can share some passages, but I'd be hard-pressed to show things from the beginning in order because... hdskjghdskjghdkg it's a muddled mess. And I don't even know where to go next. I know specific scenes, but I don't even know what all the rooms in the museum are. And I really don't want to quit on this novel because it's so important to me. I love the ideas I have for it so it's definitely a case of Writer's Block. Am I revealing too much at once, aka things that should've been spoilers from the beginning? Just... gdhsgdskgjdskg
I keep telling myself to make a damn LJ post exclusively to explain what my book is about. I should. I am so goddamn embarrassed about the earlier entries regarding my novel because they sound so goddamn skeevy. Gods, there I go, being paranoid and self-conscious again.
Note to self: When I see my psychologist tomorrow, talk to him about your insecurity/lack of confidence in yourself. GAH PURI JUST GO FOR A WALK ALREADY. I need to clear my head before I sit anywhere near a keyboard again.
