shamanicshaymin | (no subject) (Reply)

God, depression sucks. While it's not the "I feel sad for no reason" stage, the "I can't feel excited or interested in anything" stage is just arrrrrghdsgkjsghl. I feel bored by everything I like, I don't feel nearly as passionate about the things I adore, and it feels like everything is a bunch of dull muted colors instead of the bright rainbows they once were. Hell, you can show me friggin' Niagara Falls and I'd probably say, "Oh, looks pretty cool, I guess." Or more realistically, I'd look at it in wonder and feel a little happier for a while, but I wouldn't be able to appreciate the sheer awesome of it. That's one of the reasons why I want to go back to New Mexico and Colorado and visit Taos Pueblo again because even while surrounded by these incredible sights, it was fogged by how... "dead" I felt, if that makes any sense.

I just can't find anything to talk about, so I apologize if I haven't been on AIM or Skype or LJ/DW enough. I just don't want to bore anyone with the same old news, you know. I'm hardly finding energy to do much either, so it's... ugh. I don't know whether my medication isn't strong enough or if my home situation is being stressful as usual. I'll have to talk to my psychologist about it. Dad and I were also discussing me going back to university, and we visited UT at Corpus Christi today. We talked to a few people, including about my disability ("autism spectrum"), and I'm just nervous as hell. My brain feels scrambled and I don't know where to begin on things. Going back to school could be the first step to a better life and may be good for me, but I'm scared of it blowing up in my face and being a repeat of my years at UT Austin. ghsdkghdkdkdhfd

I'm finding it too hard to think right now. I need to lie down and calm down, maybe read something.