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shamanicshayminEverytime the subject of "college" is brought up, I get depressed.
I think of everything that went wrong last year. How excited I was starting, how much trouble I had keeping up with schoolwork, being insomniac and tired and missing class/coming late (I still can't sleep functionally), thinking I was so smart because of my high school As and Bs then totally lost and blown away by the new work and feeling stupid, unprepared and feeling out of place and dreading certain courses because of it, being BEHIND BEHIND BEHIND, knowing myself as an inept failure, socially awkward and couldn't keep contact with acquaintances/potential friends she thought were nice, constantly placing 4th in matches at the Smash Bros. club because I couldn't afford a Wii to practice and hadn't owned the game yet, knowing my Russian Sci-Fi class was the best experience I had work/student/teacher-wise and I feel guilty to this day for not catching up on readings/missing movie nights because I couldn't communicate or understand what anyone was talking about so all I could do was sit and listen without nothing deep to talk about and feeling awkward (the one day we looked at the Russian alphabet for fun, Puri fell asleep in her Halloween costume. So I don't remember a thing and I feel terrible). I don't remember much Astronomy as I should because of stupid mistakes I made and will probably never tell you the parallax or absolute distance of a star because Puri flunked her exams even from small studies from a textbook alone, and the only "successful" thing on my part was watching different movies from the college theater/I-♥-Video store (including But I'm a Cheerleader! and all of Serial Experiments Lain). Which makes me think of the animal shelter and Alamo Drafthouse, where I have no idea how to get sufficient travel to and I always get lost and get scared at the thought of wondering outside campus. Did I mention I was always, always tired?
Basically I'm reminded what a humiliation and failure I am, and how much I wasted and thrown away a good thing.
My parents put billions of money into this and lord knows we're starting to get poor again. I can feel it.
"So don't go to college!" Right, and wallow into clingy poor dependence somewhere 'cause I can't even keep a job at McDonald's. It's no better staying with my family either because I know my idle times do me no good. So I feel miserable either way. Isn't that nice?
Dad says I'll do fine and I'll "succeed" and do everything right because he knows it. But well... it's Dad. You can't take what he says for granted and I can't tell if he's being truthful or quixotic.
Geez, no wonder I'm a Cubone in my new PMD1 game. I was being honest too.
P.S. Happy Birthday to Uncle Ricke and a Happy 10th Birthday to my dog Amanda. I only wish I was cheerier and not a disappointment.
Something has left my life
And I don't know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it's not what I was seeking
Didn't you see me? Didn't you hear me?
Didn't you see me standing there?
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping?
Say a prayer for me
Help me to feel the strength I did
My identity, has it been taken?
Is my heart breakin', on me?
All my plans fell through my hands
They fell though my hands, on me
All my dreams it suddenly seems
It suddenly seems empty
I think of everything that went wrong last year. How excited I was starting, how much trouble I had keeping up with schoolwork, being insomniac and tired and missing class/coming late (I still can't sleep functionally), thinking I was so smart because of my high school As and Bs then totally lost and blown away by the new work and feeling stupid, unprepared and feeling out of place and dreading certain courses because of it, being BEHIND BEHIND BEHIND, knowing myself as an inept failure, socially awkward and couldn't keep contact with acquaintances/potential friends she thought were nice, constantly placing 4th in matches at the Smash Bros. club because I couldn't afford a Wii to practice and hadn't owned the game yet, knowing my Russian Sci-Fi class was the best experience I had work/student/teacher-wise and I feel guilty to this day for not catching up on readings/missing movie nights because I couldn't communicate or understand what anyone was talking about so all I could do was sit and listen without nothing deep to talk about and feeling awkward (the one day we looked at the Russian alphabet for fun, Puri fell asleep in her Halloween costume. So I don't remember a thing and I feel terrible). I don't remember much Astronomy as I should because of stupid mistakes I made and will probably never tell you the parallax or absolute distance of a star because Puri flunked her exams even from small studies from a textbook alone, and the only "successful" thing on my part was watching different movies from the college theater/I-♥-Video store (including But I'm a Cheerleader! and all of Serial Experiments Lain). Which makes me think of the animal shelter and Alamo Drafthouse, where I have no idea how to get sufficient travel to and I always get lost and get scared at the thought of wondering outside campus. Did I mention I was always, always tired?
Basically I'm reminded what a humiliation and failure I am, and how much I wasted and thrown away a good thing.
My parents put billions of money into this and lord knows we're starting to get poor again. I can feel it.
"So don't go to college!" Right, and wallow into clingy poor dependence somewhere 'cause I can't even keep a job at McDonald's. It's no better staying with my family either because I know my idle times do me no good. So I feel miserable either way. Isn't that nice?
Dad says I'll do fine and I'll "succeed" and do everything right because he knows it. But well... it's Dad. You can't take what he says for granted and I can't tell if he's being truthful or quixotic.
Geez, no wonder I'm a Cubone in my new PMD1 game. I was being honest too.
P.S. Happy Birthday to Uncle Ricke and a Happy 10th Birthday to my dog Amanda. I only wish I was cheerier and not a disappointment.
Something has left my life
And I don't know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it's not what I was seeking
Didn't you see me? Didn't you hear me?
Didn't you see me standing there?
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping?
Say a prayer for me
Help me to feel the strength I did
My identity, has it been taken?
Is my heart breakin', on me?
All my plans fell through my hands
They fell though my hands, on me
All my dreams it suddenly seems
It suddenly seems empty
