Lala, Internet connection's still awful~!

[shamanicshaymin]

I am so sick of being unable to write. Or do anything fun anymore. Heck, does it even FEEL like anyone cares about my writing? People tend to care more about my computer stuff anyway--so much for my dream of being a classic novelist. It seems like the more I want to work on fic, the more I wreck it. 'Specially the Secret*Fic? When the hell did I stop losing my creativity and energy and start becoming boring and a burden and worst of all: a chore? I'm heartbroken to call any of my writing that--especially my Sonadows and the Secret*Fic (Lord knows the latter is important to me...). It's... I'm drained and, I'm not writing for my enjoyment anymore, I'm writing to prove something, and I know it's making me unhappy and it's no good. I'm sick of being unable to do anything exciting or worthwhile. I'm ALSO sick of having to trudge through Chapter 3 of the Secret*Fic. It's like... I can't take it anymore. I can't read through my writing, I know it's crappy and repetitive and feels like it needs a lot of work. Not to mention pored through it so many times I feel like I've sucked all the spirit and inspiration outta it to gain any good from it anymore. I feel like deleting some of my documents and starting from scratch, but the debt only feels heavier and I know I can never carry through rewriting the entire thing over.

I know I'm almost done rewriting Chapter 3 for what, the ten billionth time? I finally get to the part where I'm out of the stupid lab, yet have no will to carry on. I just feel fucking awful. I'm tempted to skip back to Chapter 5, where I can actually start something new and having things heading in a new direction. Hopefully not in another fucking downward spiral and yet another reminder of my failings as a writer.

This'll be hilareous next November 24th. "Three years in the making... and Puri has written ABSOLUTELY NOTHING the entire year!"

I can die knowing I've done absolutely nothing useful before and after college. Or I realize what I need to do, only for it to be too fucking late.