Get Rid of Slimy Ships (G.R.O.S.S.)
Apr. 1st, 2022 09:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminGreetings ladies and gentlemen and enbies! Today we are holding our first meeting of G.R.O.S.S. What is GROSS, you ask? It means Get Rid of Slimy Ships. And boooooooy, I know some slimy ones. Let's begin!
1. Kris Dreemurr x Spamton G. Spamton from Deltarune
Let's get the obvious out of the way. This ship is wrong wrong wrong for many reasons, and the source of it is Spamton himself. The first thing he does when we meet him in-game is pop out of a garbage can. What sort of horrible things are stored in there? How many used banana peels has Queen thrown away? This man is covered in trash! Everybody hates creepy puppets, so it's no wonder he got dumped. You know what else everybody hates? Scammers and spam mail. So a creepy puppet who floods your inbox with junk AND rips you off? Talk about the worst! Then on top of that, he insists Kris visit him alone in his shop and he gets so fucking obsessed with them that he wants to "become BIG" with them. Look at all those red flags! Spamton is just the slimiest character in more ways than one. Slimy personality, slimy appearance, slimy actions... he probably stinks like a sewer too. Ewwww!
2. Black Doom x Shadow the Hedgehog from Sonic the Hedgehog
Geez, what's wrong with Black Doom? Nobody should want to fuck their own kid. Being an alien doesn't excuse him either, 'cause plenty of alien species (including evil ones!) knows incest ain't cool. But wow, the Doom's Eye form he takes? Those tentacles look really uncomfortable. Also what kind of liquids secrete from that eye? Tears? Blood? Or worse... SLIME. Black Doom is more villainous than I give him credit for. He deserves to get blasted to pieces by Shadow's guns, and I'm not talking about metaphorical descriptions of dicks.
3. James Sunderland x Mary Sunderland from Silent Hill 2
James is one of the slimiest protagonists to walk in a horror game. Who murders their own wife like that? And without her consent! Mary is trapped in the hospital with a horrible disease and all he can think about is how horny he is and how much he wants to bang her (and if not her, then some other chick who looks like her). Silent Hill oozes with personifications of all his nasty fetishes! Scantily clad nurses, cuckolding mannequins, leather daddies... but his ickiest kink is hidden in plain sight. There's a disgusting toilet filled with vomit or feces or who knows what. The first thing James does when he sees it? He sticks his fucking hand in it. GROOOOOOOOOSSSSS! Mary deserves so much better than a slimy pervert like him. She should engage in selfcest with Maria as the ultimate Fuck You.
4. Tia x Marina from Animal Crossing
"But Puri!" I hear you cry. "This ship is so wholesome! I can understand why you'd be squicked by the first three ships, but not two Normal-type villagers from Animal Crossing!" Indeed, Tia and Marina look sweet on the surface. Two villagers with a love of reading who dream of spending time together in a moonlit book club for tea... sounds romantic, right? But you got to consider what species they are. First off, Tia is an elephant. What do elephants love to do to cool off? They roll in mud. I've watched videos on Instagram and it makes my eyes bulge in terror. Second, Marina is an octopus. In real life, octopi are nowhere as cute as Marina. They're gooey, they're boneless, and they squirt ink at you! I shudder at the thought of touching one! Suddenly, the above image isn't nearly so cute anymore, is it?
And they had the gall to get married on my island. Phooey.
5. Henry x Anyone from Nanquest
NANQUEST SPOILERS BTW. Read Nanquest, it's so good, then you can come back and read this entry.
Uggggggh, that Henry. He had everybody fooled, didn't he? Even from his first appearance, he convinced us of his cleanliness by taking a shower. But I know what a slimy motherfucker he truly is. As the Pilgrim, he goes around murdering people in the hopes of finding the right sacrifice. There's blood all over his hands, and blood is slimy. There's an actual Animal Crossing villager sharing Henry's name that poofed into existence after Nanquest's creation, and he's the key to unlocking NQ!Henry's true nature. You see, AC!Henry is a Smug frog. You'd think if NQ!Henry were a villager, he'd be a sweet adorable Lazy type right? Nope. Smugs are much more likely to be murderers. Frogs are amphibians, so guess what they're covered with? That's right. Slime. BLEEEEEECH!
6. Lickilicky x Goodra from Pokemon
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
7. Your Farmer x Krobus from Stardew Valley
Look man, there's a reason Krobus can move in with you, but not marry you. He's lived in the sewer for who knows how long? Chances are you got a Slime Farm, but the only way you can ever get them to not attack you is if you're wearing the Slime Charm. Romance-wise, human beings and slimy creatures just aren't meant to be. :(
8. HMS Terror
Ohhhhhhhh goooooooood noooooooo. How long has this thing been sitting in the ocean? It's all covered in seaweed and ewwwwwww! The Franklin Expedition crew probably disappeared because of how gross and slimy this ship is. Who in their right mind would name their ship "The Terror?" That's just asking for all sorts of trouble! No wonder this ship sunk. Besides, HMS Erebus is totally underrated and is the superior ship anyway. If you're going to get lost in a doomed expedition, at least go down with a cool name. Not with something generic and taping a piece of paper that says "KICK ME" on your back like "The Terror."
9. Cornelius Hickey x Tuunbaq's stomach acids from The Terror
...Actually, this one gets a pass.
And the slimiest ship of all is:
10.
1. Kris Dreemurr x Spamton G. Spamton from Deltarune
Let's get the obvious out of the way. This ship is wrong wrong wrong for many reasons, and the source of it is Spamton himself. The first thing he does when we meet him in-game is pop out of a garbage can. What sort of horrible things are stored in there? How many used banana peels has Queen thrown away? This man is covered in trash! Everybody hates creepy puppets, so it's no wonder he got dumped. You know what else everybody hates? Scammers and spam mail. So a creepy puppet who floods your inbox with junk AND rips you off? Talk about the worst! Then on top of that, he insists Kris visit him alone in his shop and he gets so fucking obsessed with them that he wants to "become BIG" with them. Look at all those red flags! Spamton is just the slimiest character in more ways than one. Slimy personality, slimy appearance, slimy actions... he probably stinks like a sewer too. Ewwww!
2. Black Doom x Shadow the Hedgehog from Sonic the Hedgehog
Geez, what's wrong with Black Doom? Nobody should want to fuck their own kid. Being an alien doesn't excuse him either, 'cause plenty of alien species (including evil ones!) knows incest ain't cool. But wow, the Doom's Eye form he takes? Those tentacles look really uncomfortable. Also what kind of liquids secrete from that eye? Tears? Blood? Or worse... SLIME. Black Doom is more villainous than I give him credit for. He deserves to get blasted to pieces by Shadow's guns, and I'm not talking about metaphorical descriptions of dicks.
3. James Sunderland x Mary Sunderland from Silent Hill 2
James is one of the slimiest protagonists to walk in a horror game. Who murders their own wife like that? And without her consent! Mary is trapped in the hospital with a horrible disease and all he can think about is how horny he is and how much he wants to bang her (and if not her, then some other chick who looks like her). Silent Hill oozes with personifications of all his nasty fetishes! Scantily clad nurses, cuckolding mannequins, leather daddies... but his ickiest kink is hidden in plain sight. There's a disgusting toilet filled with vomit or feces or who knows what. The first thing James does when he sees it? He sticks his fucking hand in it. GROOOOOOOOOSSSSS! Mary deserves so much better than a slimy pervert like him. She should engage in selfcest with Maria as the ultimate Fuck You.
4. Tia x Marina from Animal Crossing
"But Puri!" I hear you cry. "This ship is so wholesome! I can understand why you'd be squicked by the first three ships, but not two Normal-type villagers from Animal Crossing!" Indeed, Tia and Marina look sweet on the surface. Two villagers with a love of reading who dream of spending time together in a moonlit book club for tea... sounds romantic, right? But you got to consider what species they are. First off, Tia is an elephant. What do elephants love to do to cool off? They roll in mud. I've watched videos on Instagram and it makes my eyes bulge in terror. Second, Marina is an octopus. In real life, octopi are nowhere as cute as Marina. They're gooey, they're boneless, and they squirt ink at you! I shudder at the thought of touching one! Suddenly, the above image isn't nearly so cute anymore, is it?
And they had the gall to get married on my island. Phooey.
5. Henry x Anyone from Nanquest
NANQUEST SPOILERS BTW. Read Nanquest, it's so good, then you can come back and read this entry.
Uggggggh, that Henry. He had everybody fooled, didn't he? Even from his first appearance, he convinced us of his cleanliness by taking a shower. But I know what a slimy motherfucker he truly is. As the Pilgrim, he goes around murdering people in the hopes of finding the right sacrifice. There's blood all over his hands, and blood is slimy. There's an actual Animal Crossing villager sharing Henry's name that poofed into existence after Nanquest's creation, and he's the key to unlocking NQ!Henry's true nature. You see, AC!Henry is a Smug frog. You'd think if NQ!Henry were a villager, he'd be a sweet adorable Lazy type right? Nope. Smugs are much more likely to be murderers. Frogs are amphibians, so guess what they're covered with? That's right. Slime. BLEEEEEECH!
6. Lickilicky x Goodra from Pokemon
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
7. Your Farmer x Krobus from Stardew Valley
Look man, there's a reason Krobus can move in with you, but not marry you. He's lived in the sewer for who knows how long? Chances are you got a Slime Farm, but the only way you can ever get them to not attack you is if you're wearing the Slime Charm. Romance-wise, human beings and slimy creatures just aren't meant to be. :(
8. HMS Terror
Ohhhhhhhh goooooooood noooooooo. How long has this thing been sitting in the ocean? It's all covered in seaweed and ewwwwwww! The Franklin Expedition crew probably disappeared because of how gross and slimy this ship is. Who in their right mind would name their ship "The Terror?" That's just asking for all sorts of trouble! No wonder this ship sunk. Besides, HMS Erebus is totally underrated and is the superior ship anyway. If you're going to get lost in a doomed expedition, at least go down with a cool name. Not with something generic and taping a piece of paper that says "KICK ME" on your back like "The Terror."
9. Cornelius Hickey x Tuunbaq's stomach acids from The Terror
...Actually, this one gets a pass.
And the slimiest ship of all is:
10.
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