Painful fandom memories and wanting to strangle your past self

[shamanicshaymin]

After being inspired by some videos (including good ol' WalrusGuy) my bf Jax and I started a new file of Shadow the Hedgehog. It's kind of bittersweet in a way; being able to admit a game is bad and cheesy but still having fun with it without the constant need to apologize or try to defend a polygonal black hedgehog's character.

To this day, I'm still scared to read all my old LJ entries of the time I was a teenager heavily into Sonic fandom because of the sheer amount of secondhand embarrassment and guilt. Like, I was obsessed with Shadow. And Sonadow. I revolved my entire fucking life around them. And I wanted to prove to the world that I was still a "true" Sonic fan ("Not like the other girls" but with Shadow and Sonadow) and write The Odyssey of Sonadows to "prove" that IC Sonadow exists and is amazing. As a result, I made myself fucking miserable when I couldn't live up to my own extremely high expectations, and for what? A fictional black hedgehog? Two hedgehogs smooching? I was so fucking paranoid that people who didn't like Shadow or Sonadow hated my fucking guts. I ended up driving away people and losing friends because of this. It never occurred to me nobody was actually after me or looking down on me.

An example of my past shittiness: I once made an LJ post where I vented about how much I hated Sonuckles. Spoilers: I never hated Sonuckles, I realize that now. I was just paranoid that an artist I loved who was a Sonuckles fan (but hated Sonadow) whom I deeply wanted her respect despised me to the very core for shipping Sonadow. Eons after I moved to another fandom, I sent a message to her apologizing how horrible I was that I kept vaguing her in my LJ for disliking Sonadow, and she replied and forgave me and we made up. I don't know where she is or what she's doing now, but I hope she's happy and successful. Even so, I hate myself for ever having been awful like that.

To this day, I feel like fucking shit and I want to apologize for my behavior. And to all the people I hurt.

For fuck's sake. All over games with brilliant Shakespearian dialogue like "Where's that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald?" and "Back to the planet as cool and blue as me!"

It's funny because when I was really into Sonic fandom, I wanted to give the impression that I was the cool easy-going person who took things in stride. Sure didn't take long for the cracks to show, huh?

It took years and years later before I talked to a friend about how I was always so paranoid and kept driving off people like this, and he told me it sounded like I had anxiety. Sure enough, I got diagnosed, and since then the paranoia's been under control. Not that it excuses my past behavior, mind you. Mental illness is never a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card for accountability. But I honestly wonder how much less damage there could've been if I knew I had anxiety sooner.

Comments

[sarajayechan]

I know the feeling. I talk about 2000-2001!Sara and her mania about Sailor Moon fandom and Kunzite/Zoisite, but in 2003-2004 I got into the Sorcerer Hunters fandom and was obsessed with fitting in even though I badly wanted to do my own thing. So I was constantly going "is it okay that I like x ship better than y, that I love this character everyone's meh at best about, blah blah blah????" and it drove my friends CRAZY. Like I got called out on it a lot.

That said, I could tell you were on edge a lot in Sonic fandom, but I didn't think much of it because I was getting used to the fact that fandom could just be that way and drive people batty. We may long for the old days of the mid aughts when we look at purity culture and antis now, but back then we had fanficrants and Fandom Secrets.

I'm glad you were able to apologize to and make up with that artist, though. Anxiety sucks. :( And so does feeling guilty for shit your younger self did.

[shamanicshaymin]

It's honestly nuts. Fuck, I remember hating myself so much during my teenage Sonic period and so certain that everybody hated me that I literally tried to kill myself. Like, when it's gotten to the point that even your friends are calling you out, you know you've fucked up.

Ugggggh, Fandom Secrets. I believe I added extra years to my life by stopping reading any of the posts and comment threads there. It's like people posted secrets just to be asses and get reactions out of everyone ("Look at me, I dislike {insert current popular fandom}, I'm so special and smart!") and people take the bait every time and it's like uggggggh.

She's taken her art off her DA page eons ago, but I hope it's because she's working professionally now. People sometimes remove their old stuff so potential employers don't find their Sonic tentacle porn they doodled when they were 16. :P

[sarajayechan]

YES, I remember that, too, I think I remember calling your phone to see if you were okay. Then your dad updated your LJ to tell us you were. I was so relieved.

F!S could have some actually cute and interesting secrets once in a while, like "does anyone else remember this show" and the ensuing MY CHILDHOOD squee, or heartwarming "words can't describe what this fandom means to me", but 95% of it was an unholy marriage of snowflakes and trolls. (I'll give a pass to the "but my friends might hate me" because that's usually anxiety talking.)

Here's hoping. (I need to change the name of my Flickr, I've seen the name Sara Jaye elsewhere but I don't want anyone making the connection between my wholesome "see my fandom toys and merch" account and my porn!)