![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminToxic lessons from dumblr: BDSM is abuse. Um, WHAT?
“after care” is a glorified way of saying trauma bonding. anyone who has been a sub for years and escaped will know exactly how terrible the effects of it all are.
UM.
subs may ask, “but what if i LIKE being hit?”
i ask in response: “why does the person you’re with enjoy hitting you? why do they enjoy making you cry? why do they enjoy destroying your self worth? would you do this to someone else? could you bear the thought of hurting your loved ones?”
UM.
if you enter “sub space” (more literally, dissociation due to trauma) or the “sub drop” you are exhibiting symptoms of an abuse victim.
UM.
bdsm is a self destructive behavior, the same as eating disorders and self harm. these behaviors should not be defended because those engaged in them want to do them. self destructive behaviors are, by definition, done with full consent, but are undeniably harmful both psychologically and physically. if doing it to yourself is not right, it is also not right for someone else to do it to you just because you ask them to.
UM.
femdoms are rare and their existence does not negate or balance the rampant abuse done by the majority of male doms in the bdsm community. harming someone else is still abuse, regardless of gender.
UM.
generally, bdsm is an extreme enforcement of patriarchal ideals (ie., the aggressive man controls the woman, the woman accommodates the man’s wishes). a rule of bdsm is that, regardless of gender, one person will fulfill the “man’s” role and one will fulfill the “woman’s” role. even when the genders are changed, these roles are also enforced in the rarer same-sex and femdom bdsm lifestyles.
UM.
“what about the bdsm rule: safe, sane, and consensual?”
this is a mantra that is chanted in order to coerce hesitant partners into joining the bdsm community. much like a cult, reassurance and morality is presented during the early stages of manipulation, but as control increases, this mantra continues to be said but is no longer followed.
UM.
ask yourself why someone would want you to be unable to say the word “no.” ask yourself why a dom would be turned on by the thought of raping someone.
UM.
victims of sexual assault and rape often try to relive their experiences through bdsm as a way to feel control over these events, but studies have shown this only serves to further retraumatise the victim, not help them.
UM.
bdsm is the normalisation of abuse under the guise of sexual freedom; all you need to do to see it is look at any bdsm community online. abusers have never been happier because now they can use the defense of kink to control, hurt, and degrade their partners openly, and people who would normally criticize domestic violence write it off as adventurous fun.
UM.
BULLSHIT. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I won't deny that there's abuse in the BDSM community. It is indeed a HUGE problem, and one often hushed up by the BDSM community because they're also fighting so hard to combat the stereotypes flung against them. I've read a long article from a sub on DW talking about the subject (which talked about that for all the inaccuracies 50 Shades has about the subculture, doms like Christian Grey are unfortunately far too common and far too real), which unfortunately I've lost the link to. But to say that ALL BDSM is abuse? That is a myth and a fucking lie.
Aftercare is NOT the same as trauma bonding. Hell, the link they sourced about trauma bonding doesn't mention BDSM at all. Also, I like how conveniently this post doesn't mention safewords or trust exercises. You know, safewords, which is meant to prevent this kind of abuse in the first place. Also? THAT IS NOT HOW SUBSPACE WORKS. By that logic, dentists and surgeons are abusive for giving their patients laughing gas.
Yes, there's unsafe practices in BDSM (ex. choking and asphyxiation), and not only is it discouraged by the community, this sort of shit should be discussed before serious damage is done. But to say that "safe, sane, and consensual" is equivalent to a cult mantra is no. No no no. NO NO NO NO NO.
This post says BDSM is damaging. But you know what's actually damaging? Spreading misinformation. Because that? IS FUCKING DANGEROUS. As if people aren't shamed enough or villainized for being excited by BDSM, they'll internalize themselves as abusers, because you know, it's not enough for tumblr to accuse you of pedophilia for drawing two teenagers making out or homophobic because you use the word "queer" to describe yourself as an LGBTQ person. And I say this because I've seen followers thank this blog for providing useful information and helpful sex ed. Just no. No no no. No no no no no no no.
God, this makes me want to stuff my writing journal with as much shibari as possible (okay that's bondage, not BDSM, but bondage can be part of BDSM)
I hope to GOD someone types an extremely long and detailed rebuttal to that post complete with links and professional sources, because I can't stand the thought of damaging misinformation like this spreading like wildfire.
“after care” is a glorified way of saying trauma bonding. anyone who has been a sub for years and escaped will know exactly how terrible the effects of it all are.
UM.
subs may ask, “but what if i LIKE being hit?”
i ask in response: “why does the person you’re with enjoy hitting you? why do they enjoy making you cry? why do they enjoy destroying your self worth? would you do this to someone else? could you bear the thought of hurting your loved ones?”
UM.
if you enter “sub space” (more literally, dissociation due to trauma) or the “sub drop” you are exhibiting symptoms of an abuse victim.
UM.
bdsm is a self destructive behavior, the same as eating disorders and self harm. these behaviors should not be defended because those engaged in them want to do them. self destructive behaviors are, by definition, done with full consent, but are undeniably harmful both psychologically and physically. if doing it to yourself is not right, it is also not right for someone else to do it to you just because you ask them to.
UM.
femdoms are rare and their existence does not negate or balance the rampant abuse done by the majority of male doms in the bdsm community. harming someone else is still abuse, regardless of gender.
UM.
generally, bdsm is an extreme enforcement of patriarchal ideals (ie., the aggressive man controls the woman, the woman accommodates the man’s wishes). a rule of bdsm is that, regardless of gender, one person will fulfill the “man’s” role and one will fulfill the “woman’s” role. even when the genders are changed, these roles are also enforced in the rarer same-sex and femdom bdsm lifestyles.
UM.
“what about the bdsm rule: safe, sane, and consensual?”
this is a mantra that is chanted in order to coerce hesitant partners into joining the bdsm community. much like a cult, reassurance and morality is presented during the early stages of manipulation, but as control increases, this mantra continues to be said but is no longer followed.
UM.
ask yourself why someone would want you to be unable to say the word “no.” ask yourself why a dom would be turned on by the thought of raping someone.
UM.
victims of sexual assault and rape often try to relive their experiences through bdsm as a way to feel control over these events, but studies have shown this only serves to further retraumatise the victim, not help them.
UM.
bdsm is the normalisation of abuse under the guise of sexual freedom; all you need to do to see it is look at any bdsm community online. abusers have never been happier because now they can use the defense of kink to control, hurt, and degrade their partners openly, and people who would normally criticize domestic violence write it off as adventurous fun.
UM.
BULLSHIT. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I won't deny that there's abuse in the BDSM community. It is indeed a HUGE problem, and one often hushed up by the BDSM community because they're also fighting so hard to combat the stereotypes flung against them. I've read a long article from a sub on DW talking about the subject (which talked about that for all the inaccuracies 50 Shades has about the subculture, doms like Christian Grey are unfortunately far too common and far too real), which unfortunately I've lost the link to. But to say that ALL BDSM is abuse? That is a myth and a fucking lie.
Aftercare is NOT the same as trauma bonding. Hell, the link they sourced about trauma bonding doesn't mention BDSM at all. Also, I like how conveniently this post doesn't mention safewords or trust exercises. You know, safewords, which is meant to prevent this kind of abuse in the first place. Also? THAT IS NOT HOW SUBSPACE WORKS. By that logic, dentists and surgeons are abusive for giving their patients laughing gas.
Yes, there's unsafe practices in BDSM (ex. choking and asphyxiation), and not only is it discouraged by the community, this sort of shit should be discussed before serious damage is done. But to say that "safe, sane, and consensual" is equivalent to a cult mantra is no. No no no. NO NO NO NO NO.
This post says BDSM is damaging. But you know what's actually damaging? Spreading misinformation. Because that? IS FUCKING DANGEROUS. As if people aren't shamed enough or villainized for being excited by BDSM, they'll internalize themselves as abusers, because you know, it's not enough for tumblr to accuse you of pedophilia for drawing two teenagers making out or homophobic because you use the word "queer" to describe yourself as an LGBTQ person. And I say this because I've seen followers thank this blog for providing useful information and helpful sex ed. Just no. No no no. No no no no no no no.
God, this makes me want to stuff my writing journal with as much shibari as possible (okay that's bondage, not BDSM, but bondage can be part of BDSM)
I hope to GOD someone types an extremely long and detailed rebuttal to that post complete with links and professional sources, because I can't stand the thought of damaging misinformation like this spreading like wildfire.
