Something is seriously wrong with me.
Oct. 22nd, 2011 04:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminHey guys. I just wanted to let you know I'm at Dave's apartment, and I'm doing okay. Other than that though, I don't know what to say. I stare at Semagic, I look at my list of friends on AIM, and... I just can't think of anything. Even my friends IRL have noted how quiet I've been lately.
I beat Catherine with the normal Cheater's ending, since my Freedom/Order bar was square in the middle. Hysterical ending though, not to give it away. I also went with Bonnie and Nicole to look for a Halloween costume, and I settled on Blind Mag from Repo! The Genetic Opera. So we got what mostly resembled Mag anyway. I'm worried I spent way too much though, and if I tell Dad, he'll flip. I'm so picky about saving money, even if I have bought regular food with it, and I still feel like a giant failure for not having a job yet. I know I'm supposed to relax, but I just can't help it. Hell, one of my closest online friends finished a late birthday present, which is a gorgeous watercolor fanart of Raggedy Andy and Marius from the novel I'm working on. I haven't squealed over anything in forever like I have for this picture, which I love to bits and pieces and eternity and back. I should be happier for longer than this since my friend remembered me and cared about me and... heck, it's probably the happiest I've felt in a long time. And then I find myself sinking back under my raincloud again when I want to stay in the sunshine of that one fanart from my best friend for a little longer. Rather, I just don't want the sunshine to go away again. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but just... djghkjdgk.
It's like the only things that stick to my heart are the tiniest critiques and insults, while love and sympathy goes through me like vapor. I realize this sounds fandom wanky, but I can't even share things I like with a friend such as music, 'cause if she ends up not caring much about it or doesn't like it, I feel like it's a small jab on me. I know my friend's not insulting me, and I know we can have different opinions on certain things and get along just fine. I just feel hurt, like I'm inferior somehow and my tastes suck, and I as a person suck, and I want to prove my worth to the person I care about and feel all defensive. (Ex. Friend innocently says, "You like _____? It's all right, but it's so... gloomy." What Puri interprets this as: "Why are you so gloomy, Puri? I don't know if I'll be comfortable hanging around a person like you." So I reply, "Oh, but that's not all there is to ______! There's a wide variety of things ______ sings, such as this and that and..." Meanwhile, I'm silently cursing myself for overlooking such-and-such about ______ might not like, but if I covered that, then I would do it in such a way that it would turn my friend off of ever trying ______, etc.) Which is why I almost never recommend anything, like... ever. If you want to know I like something, a friend has to speak up so it would leave me an opportunity to say, "Hey, I like ______ too!" And my friends have more confidence than me anyway, so I can say I'm not crazy about such-and-such and they wouldn't linger over it like I would.
Ugh. That came off all wrong. I'm beginning to think taking anti-depressants again would be a good idea after all. No matter where I'm at or what situation I'm in, I constantly feel so... insecure. I feel as long as I'm upset, I feel ungrateful to all the people who left kind and helpful comments on my LJ and supported me.
So ironic that my all-time favorite Pokemon are Shaymin and Togekiss. Togekiss never appears where there's strife, so it would take one look at me and fly away. It's hard to feel grateful when you're stuck in a rut as I am (having that eternal cloud hanging over your head), and so any Shaymin in my vicinity would starve and turn into a ball of tumbleweed.
I beat Catherine with the normal Cheater's ending, since my Freedom/Order bar was square in the middle. Hysterical ending though, not to give it away. I also went with Bonnie and Nicole to look for a Halloween costume, and I settled on Blind Mag from Repo! The Genetic Opera. So we got what mostly resembled Mag anyway. I'm worried I spent way too much though, and if I tell Dad, he'll flip. I'm so picky about saving money, even if I have bought regular food with it, and I still feel like a giant failure for not having a job yet. I know I'm supposed to relax, but I just can't help it. Hell, one of my closest online friends finished a late birthday present, which is a gorgeous watercolor fanart of Raggedy Andy and Marius from the novel I'm working on. I haven't squealed over anything in forever like I have for this picture, which I love to bits and pieces and eternity and back. I should be happier for longer than this since my friend remembered me and cared about me and... heck, it's probably the happiest I've felt in a long time. And then I find myself sinking back under my raincloud again when I want to stay in the sunshine of that one fanart from my best friend for a little longer. Rather, I just don't want the sunshine to go away again. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but just... djghkjdgk.
It's like the only things that stick to my heart are the tiniest critiques and insults, while love and sympathy goes through me like vapor. I realize this sounds fandom wanky, but I can't even share things I like with a friend such as music, 'cause if she ends up not caring much about it or doesn't like it, I feel like it's a small jab on me. I know my friend's not insulting me, and I know we can have different opinions on certain things and get along just fine. I just feel hurt, like I'm inferior somehow and my tastes suck, and I as a person suck, and I want to prove my worth to the person I care about and feel all defensive. (Ex. Friend innocently says, "You like _____? It's all right, but it's so... gloomy." What Puri interprets this as: "Why are you so gloomy, Puri? I don't know if I'll be comfortable hanging around a person like you." So I reply, "Oh, but that's not all there is to ______! There's a wide variety of things ______ sings, such as this and that and..." Meanwhile, I'm silently cursing myself for overlooking such-and-such about ______ might not like, but if I covered that, then I would do it in such a way that it would turn my friend off of ever trying ______, etc.) Which is why I almost never recommend anything, like... ever. If you want to know I like something, a friend has to speak up so it would leave me an opportunity to say, "Hey, I like ______ too!" And my friends have more confidence than me anyway, so I can say I'm not crazy about such-and-such and they wouldn't linger over it like I would.
Ugh. That came off all wrong. I'm beginning to think taking anti-depressants again would be a good idea after all. No matter where I'm at or what situation I'm in, I constantly feel so... insecure. I feel as long as I'm upset, I feel ungrateful to all the people who left kind and helpful comments on my LJ and supported me.
So ironic that my all-time favorite Pokemon are Shaymin and Togekiss. Togekiss never appears where there's strife, so it would take one look at me and fly away. It's hard to feel grateful when you're stuck in a rut as I am (having that eternal cloud hanging over your head), and so any Shaymin in my vicinity would starve and turn into a ball of tumbleweed.
