(no subject)
Nov. 1st, 2007 09:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminGods, I'm worried. Basically about how I'm doing academically. I'm not a bad student at ALL--anything lower than a B punches me in the gut. So to admit something's wrong or I'm slipping off/getting behind, it's a big blow to me. Not to mention if I start doing poorly, THAT will increase family drama. "Oh no, you're turning into your sister!" Cue fights with my sister I'm forced to listen to, and... basically. Yeah.
It doesn't help that when I finally accomplish something that makes me feel good about myself, such as scanning drawings, figuring out how to draw eyes, typing a little fanfic, etc. something horrible is reported in real life, like one of my teachers catching me sleeping in class (I was up all night reading and doing a paper, and was afraid I'd oversleep and miss theater if I took pills to get back to bed), and... god I sound like a slacker and I feel even worse talking about it. The counselor tells me he may have to drop more classes so I don't fail/get an F in the course. Thing is, I don't want to drop any more classes. I love the ones I have now, I just feel like I'm letting my teachers down and... I know, I know. I'm lazy. I should get my ass up. It's like it's one or the other: Finish work for me. Finish errands for friends. Finish stuff for family. Go to school, don't miss anything. I attend class everyday, yet I'm missing a bajillion things. Why? Like I knew of a test coming, so I thought I'd study. I thought I had a few days left when today: BAM! Exam time. I hardly even had the chance to look over my review sheets and oh god... I don't want to think about it. I really don't.
"PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS! DUH!!1!1!1". Oh believe me. I do. Every word. If I didn't care what my teachers thought, I wouldn't even BE in college. I'd be flipping burgers at McDonald's somewhere--and I knew I'd hate it. So I came to Austin, because I knew there was opportunity for me--that I can start over, fly out of the cage that was my room at home, try new stuff, discover things about myself I hadn't known before, break out of my shell and do stuff I've always been holding myself back on, like drawing or dressing up for Halloween. Which I did. I did do those things.
Considering how shaky my academic progress is, I feel like I've wasted it. I feel like I've let everyone down and I feel so guilty. People are always asking me, "How can we help you? How can we help you perform better?" That's the thing. I don't know.
It doesn't help that when I finally accomplish something that makes me feel good about myself, such as scanning drawings, figuring out how to draw eyes, typing a little fanfic, etc. something horrible is reported in real life, like one of my teachers catching me sleeping in class (I was up all night reading and doing a paper, and was afraid I'd oversleep and miss theater if I took pills to get back to bed), and... god I sound like a slacker and I feel even worse talking about it. The counselor tells me he may have to drop more classes so I don't fail/get an F in the course. Thing is, I don't want to drop any more classes. I love the ones I have now, I just feel like I'm letting my teachers down and... I know, I know. I'm lazy. I should get my ass up. It's like it's one or the other: Finish work for me. Finish errands for friends. Finish stuff for family. Go to school, don't miss anything. I attend class everyday, yet I'm missing a bajillion things. Why? Like I knew of a test coming, so I thought I'd study. I thought I had a few days left when today: BAM! Exam time. I hardly even had the chance to look over my review sheets and oh god... I don't want to think about it. I really don't.
"PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS! DUH!!1!1!1". Oh believe me. I do. Every word. If I didn't care what my teachers thought, I wouldn't even BE in college. I'd be flipping burgers at McDonald's somewhere--and I knew I'd hate it. So I came to Austin, because I knew there was opportunity for me--that I can start over, fly out of the cage that was my room at home, try new stuff, discover things about myself I hadn't known before, break out of my shell and do stuff I've always been holding myself back on, like drawing or dressing up for Halloween. Which I did. I did do those things.
Considering how shaky my academic progress is, I feel like I've wasted it. I feel like I've let everyone down and I feel so guilty. People are always asking me, "How can we help you? How can we help you perform better?" That's the thing. I don't know.
