So... Confession?
Jul. 22nd, 2006 03:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshaymin7:00 AM? *whistles* Man, sleeping early did me wonders. But argh, I feel dizzy. XD *goes back to sleep* 11:04... Dagnabbit. (But it's raining here! Yaaaaaaaay~! X333)
First off, allow me to explain some things. Nope, I'm not angry or sad at the moment--I'm just stretching my arms after a good night's rest. I don't often talk about IRL in my journal (and for good reason. XD), but I figure by now, this calls for it...
I'll admit--(and this does sound emo. XDDD;;;) when I made that post about me snapping over the Shadow/Sonadow fiasco, it was more like a cry for help. There's been a lot of things going on with me over IRL, like things being rocky with our family, how the relationships and financial care between us are handled, Mom adjusting to her new medicine (for bipolar/manic depressive disorder. Nope, not something Puri likes discussing/remembering), etc. etc. But overall? We've been chipper and doing fine.
Corpus Christi doesn't exactly have a lot to offer: it's hot as heck outside, there's no pretty forests to visit (or much shade for that matter. XDDD!), and Puri doesn't exactly have any favorite places to go or any friends IRL to visit. Thus Puri spending too much time online to the point where she's neglecting the finer things in life: playing video games, watching movies, scribbling silly stuff in notebooks, going places, and most of all, reading good books. And lord knows reading has a profound affect on writing; they go hand in hand. So it's no wonder I have Writer's Block, along with other factors. XDD! Still fine.
But here's the biggie: lately I've been wrangling depression. I don't mean it loosely either: ya know with teen angst, where ya have your tantrum and feel miserable, then the next day, everything simmers off and you're fine again, life goes on? Since around January/February this year, let's say that... Puri has not been her usual self. .____.;;; Sure, I get perky now and then and I still fangirl over my favorite things, but darn, does it feel temporary. It doesn't last long. There are times when I DO feel happy again, oh gosh, I feel great again, lemme rejoice I'm cured and ready to move on--then BAM! All worries, all anger, all fears smack right back again. It switches back and forth with me--I could spend an entire day stewing over some little thing I'm mad at, then the next day, I'm sad and miserable and awful, and well... hopeless. When I'm not lashing at inner demons or being angry over people or little things that otherwise wouldn't bother me much or laugh off, I'm beating myself up.
Whether it's rampage or wangstpage, it always means the same thing: I'm scared. A ton of you already noticed how paranoid I am by now. XDDD;;; But I also get scared of other things: "What if I'm losing interest in writing that fic? I told myself I'd finish it before I did!" "Am I exhausting my love for *insert interest here*? It's all my own fault, and I haven't written an effing thing about *insert said interest*..." to bigger stuff like: "What if I'm becoming my Mom? Will I get sick a lot and stay in bed 24/7? What if I get bipolar? Will the doctors manipulate me like they did with Mom? What if the side-affects make me worse? What if I bother/annoy people when I'm not on the medicine? People will be scared of me, people will hate me, no one will help me..." and "I'm becoming a worse person than I was growing up. More selfish, more dependent, more whiny... I feel like I'm not growing up at all. Why can't I be more like myself from last year, when I was all mellow and nothing bothered me? That I'd bounce back if something did, no matter what the trouble? I'm degenerating, I'm letting everything bother me now..." and "I'm losing all sort of creativity whatsoever... I've sapped my own inspiration and I'm destroying my writing when I try getting it back... it's my own fault... not that anyone cares much for my writing anyway... do I even HAVE what it takes to be a novelist anymore? I'm a disgrace. What else am I even good at? I failed my own dream, I'm no good at anything anymore."
So there's all that stress, all that pressure, etc. And fandom? Doesn't make it much better. If worse. So while Puri would meet your typical anti-Sonadow whiner, in the past Puri would simply giggle, laugh it over, and go back to scribbling about gay hedgehogs. Meet Depressed*Puri. Each and every itty-bitty little thing gets under her skin. She's reactive, she snaps, she gets mad, she's holding a grudge and keeping it in if you say one bad/unreasonable thing about all her interests she enjoys most. What happened to Proactive*Puri? When did "Fandom is Fucking Funny" become "Fandom is Serious Business", the latter she swore not to fall under again? Damn hard to enjoy what you love if you're immobile and letting people's little comments stomp over ya. Rather than writing Sonadow for my enjoyment, Puri's out to prove, "Nuh uh, us SANE fans happen to exist, thank you very much. Let me show you what REAL Sonadow is, and maybe you'll reconsider or shut your trap." Instead of writing the Secret*Fic, Puri's juggling with the next Citizen Kane. Not fun. It's like trying to write an escapist adventure story full of humor and excitement for someone that wants a realistic hard-core Sci-Fi drama. Well... how can that adventure story have life and cheerfully be itself and be proud when it tries to be something it's not in order to "change" someone's feelings on adventure stories? I sure as hell can't write Citizen Kane. But I can make my own classics, for the people who DO enjoy what I like writing about.
It's... stress, stress, and more stress. And here's another part of the depression. Basically, I have a kajillion friends around me. TRUE friends, people I can trust, people I know don't say nasty things behind my back, people who put up with me no matter how whiny/weird I get or how different our interests/tastes are. I receive lots of beautiful comments, praise, "chin-up!"s, "You can do it! We believe in you, Puri!" and everything, which makes me happy for a millisecond--but whoosh. It all goes out of my head. But any negative comment that comes along. It stays stuck in my head and haunts me, and it doesn't go away, no matter how much I chide myself to forget about it.
Seriously, I've done everything in my power to stop it. I've talked to friends, occupied myself with things I like, etc. etc. All it does is feel like I'm punching myself in the gut even more and make things worse. For gods sake, I even wrote a fic that won at a contest held by favorite club on DA and I accepted an offer from the mod to help with the prize writing for future contest winners (even help run the club!), and I'm still depressed. It's gone as far as having my family worried about me, it's gone as far I'm seeing a therapist (and willingly). I'm serious, I hate being like this. Especially to the way fandom and every bitty thing's been crawling in my skin Linkin Park-style and... it's been awful. It's gotten to the point where I just can't really face the friends I normally talk about these sort of things with without having the same painful conversation all over again. I feel I've gotten to annoy people, and... I perfectly understand that.
Yes, depression's been in both sides of my family. Just in case anyone's been wondering.
Basically? My sister, mom, dad and I have talked things over. It's time I started getting my zest for life back: that means taking a HUGE break from the Internet a while. To get confidence back, to inspiration back. To do the things I loved doing before I found the computer: play video games. Play board games. Read books. Listen to my CDs. Scribble notes/ideas in my writing journals. Start picking up on Animé/Manga again. Watch movies. Heck, I should make a list of the stuff I need to see/read (that'll get me excited!). Get into new things. Do what I wanted to do this summer: research and visit colleges. Go to the Colorado Rockies. If I do go online? Chances are I'm paying a long-needed revist to Homestar Runner or shopping/Ebaying. Maybe checking email and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
bluestarrevenge. The less time I'm on the Interwebs, the better!
Watching "Tron" with my brother last night makes a nice start too.
I want to thank Orin/![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
andheavenburns for reminding me of something important last entry. For being patient with me no matter what gunk I put on my LJ. I know we don't agree on everything, and we probably drive each other up the wall a lot, but I respect you as a person, and well... someone who's very kind and insightful. *HUG*
You guys can worry about Ninja Turtles (though I oughta see the first movie again... *nod*). I'm waiting for the Animal Crossing movie, baby! ;DDD
Meanwhile, I want to buy this plushie of Sonic. Except I need Dad's help. Darnit. T________T Meanwhile, I had NO IDEA some of these plushies and dollies existed. Gosh darnit, I want all those "Sonic the Fighters" dolls, they're so cute! Especially Bark & Bean. *____________* Even Amy in her old garb is cute, and... eeesh! Metal! Super Sonic! And gosh, I wanna get that Fang for Debbie as a present or something. They're all sold out here, though. Tried finding them on Ebay too, and they're super rare and didn't show up. T_________T But... yeah. 1999 Promo Jumbo Knuckles, his foot autographed by Yuji Naka! Only $380.00 XDDD! I wonder what the heck those huge Sonics cost before they were sold...
Yes, they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again
And you probably don't wanna hear tomorrow's another day
But I promise you, you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you, you'll see the sun again
First off, allow me to explain some things. Nope, I'm not angry or sad at the moment--I'm just stretching my arms after a good night's rest. I don't often talk about IRL in my journal (and for good reason. XD), but I figure by now, this calls for it...
I'll admit--(and this does sound emo. XDDD;;;) when I made that post about me snapping over the Shadow/Sonadow fiasco, it was more like a cry for help. There's been a lot of things going on with me over IRL, like things being rocky with our family, how the relationships and financial care between us are handled, Mom adjusting to her new medicine (for bipolar/manic depressive disorder. Nope, not something Puri likes discussing/remembering), etc. etc. But overall? We've been chipper and doing fine.
Corpus Christi doesn't exactly have a lot to offer: it's hot as heck outside, there's no pretty forests to visit (or much shade for that matter. XDDD!), and Puri doesn't exactly have any favorite places to go or any friends IRL to visit. Thus Puri spending too much time online to the point where she's neglecting the finer things in life: playing video games, watching movies, scribbling silly stuff in notebooks, going places, and most of all, reading good books. And lord knows reading has a profound affect on writing; they go hand in hand. So it's no wonder I have Writer's Block, along with other factors. XDD! Still fine.
But here's the biggie: lately I've been wrangling depression. I don't mean it loosely either: ya know with teen angst, where ya have your tantrum and feel miserable, then the next day, everything simmers off and you're fine again, life goes on? Since around January/February this year, let's say that... Puri has not been her usual self. .____.;;; Sure, I get perky now and then and I still fangirl over my favorite things, but darn, does it feel temporary. It doesn't last long. There are times when I DO feel happy again, oh gosh, I feel great again, lemme rejoice I'm cured and ready to move on--then BAM! All worries, all anger, all fears smack right back again. It switches back and forth with me--I could spend an entire day stewing over some little thing I'm mad at, then the next day, I'm sad and miserable and awful, and well... hopeless. When I'm not lashing at inner demons or being angry over people or little things that otherwise wouldn't bother me much or laugh off, I'm beating myself up.
Whether it's rampage or wangstpage, it always means the same thing: I'm scared. A ton of you already noticed how paranoid I am by now. XDDD;;; But I also get scared of other things: "What if I'm losing interest in writing that fic? I told myself I'd finish it before I did!" "Am I exhausting my love for *insert interest here*? It's all my own fault, and I haven't written an effing thing about *insert said interest*..." to bigger stuff like: "What if I'm becoming my Mom? Will I get sick a lot and stay in bed 24/7? What if I get bipolar? Will the doctors manipulate me like they did with Mom? What if the side-affects make me worse? What if I bother/annoy people when I'm not on the medicine? People will be scared of me, people will hate me, no one will help me..." and "I'm becoming a worse person than I was growing up. More selfish, more dependent, more whiny... I feel like I'm not growing up at all. Why can't I be more like myself from last year, when I was all mellow and nothing bothered me? That I'd bounce back if something did, no matter what the trouble? I'm degenerating, I'm letting everything bother me now..." and "I'm losing all sort of creativity whatsoever... I've sapped my own inspiration and I'm destroying my writing when I try getting it back... it's my own fault... not that anyone cares much for my writing anyway... do I even HAVE what it takes to be a novelist anymore? I'm a disgrace. What else am I even good at? I failed my own dream, I'm no good at anything anymore."
So there's all that stress, all that pressure, etc. And fandom? Doesn't make it much better. If worse. So while Puri would meet your typical anti-Sonadow whiner, in the past Puri would simply giggle, laugh it over, and go back to scribbling about gay hedgehogs. Meet Depressed*Puri. Each and every itty-bitty little thing gets under her skin. She's reactive, she snaps, she gets mad, she's holding a grudge and keeping it in if you say one bad/unreasonable thing about all her interests she enjoys most. What happened to Proactive*Puri? When did "Fandom is Fucking Funny" become "Fandom is Serious Business", the latter she swore not to fall under again? Damn hard to enjoy what you love if you're immobile and letting people's little comments stomp over ya. Rather than writing Sonadow for my enjoyment, Puri's out to prove, "Nuh uh, us SANE fans happen to exist, thank you very much. Let me show you what REAL Sonadow is, and maybe you'll reconsider or shut your trap." Instead of writing the Secret*Fic, Puri's juggling with the next Citizen Kane. Not fun. It's like trying to write an escapist adventure story full of humor and excitement for someone that wants a realistic hard-core Sci-Fi drama. Well... how can that adventure story have life and cheerfully be itself and be proud when it tries to be something it's not in order to "change" someone's feelings on adventure stories? I sure as hell can't write Citizen Kane. But I can make my own classics, for the people who DO enjoy what I like writing about.
It's... stress, stress, and more stress. And here's another part of the depression. Basically, I have a kajillion friends around me. TRUE friends, people I can trust, people I know don't say nasty things behind my back, people who put up with me no matter how whiny/weird I get or how different our interests/tastes are. I receive lots of beautiful comments, praise, "chin-up!"s, "You can do it! We believe in you, Puri!" and everything, which makes me happy for a millisecond--but whoosh. It all goes out of my head. But any negative comment that comes along. It stays stuck in my head and haunts me, and it doesn't go away, no matter how much I chide myself to forget about it.
Seriously, I've done everything in my power to stop it. I've talked to friends, occupied myself with things I like, etc. etc. All it does is feel like I'm punching myself in the gut even more and make things worse. For gods sake, I even wrote a fic that won at a contest held by favorite club on DA and I accepted an offer from the mod to help with the prize writing for future contest winners (even help run the club!), and I'm still depressed. It's gone as far as having my family worried about me, it's gone as far I'm seeing a therapist (and willingly). I'm serious, I hate being like this. Especially to the way fandom and every bitty thing's been crawling in my skin Linkin Park-style and... it's been awful. It's gotten to the point where I just can't really face the friends I normally talk about these sort of things with without having the same painful conversation all over again. I feel I've gotten to annoy people, and... I perfectly understand that.
Yes, depression's been in both sides of my family. Just in case anyone's been wondering.
Basically? My sister, mom, dad and I have talked things over. It's time I started getting my zest for life back: that means taking a HUGE break from the Internet a while. To get confidence back, to inspiration back. To do the things I loved doing before I found the computer: play video games. Play board games. Read books. Listen to my CDs. Scribble notes/ideas in my writing journals. Start picking up on Animé/Manga again. Watch movies. Heck, I should make a list of the stuff I need to see/read (that'll get me excited!). Get into new things. Do what I wanted to do this summer: research and visit colleges. Go to the Colorado Rockies. If I do go online? Chances are I'm paying a long-needed revist to Homestar Runner or shopping/Ebaying. Maybe checking email and
bluestarrevenge. The less time I'm on the Interwebs, the better!Watching "Tron" with my brother last night makes a nice start too.
I want to thank Orin/
andheavenburns for reminding me of something important last entry. For being patient with me no matter what gunk I put on my LJ. I know we don't agree on everything, and we probably drive each other up the wall a lot, but I respect you as a person, and well... someone who's very kind and insightful. *HUG*You guys can worry about Ninja Turtles (though I oughta see the first movie again... *nod*). I'm waiting for the Animal Crossing movie, baby! ;DDD
Meanwhile, I want to buy this plushie of Sonic. Except I need Dad's help. Darnit. T________T Meanwhile, I had NO IDEA some of these plushies and dollies existed. Gosh darnit, I want all those "Sonic the Fighters" dolls, they're so cute! Especially Bark & Bean. *____________* Even Amy in her old garb is cute, and... eeesh! Metal! Super Sonic! And gosh, I wanna get that Fang for Debbie as a present or something. They're all sold out here, though. Tried finding them on Ebay too, and they're super rare and didn't show up. T_________T But... yeah. 1999 Promo Jumbo Knuckles, his foot autographed by Yuji Naka! Only $380.00 XDDD! I wonder what the heck those huge Sonics cost before they were sold...
Yes, they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again
And you probably don't wanna hear tomorrow's another day
But I promise you, you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you, you'll see the sun again
