(no subject)

[shamanicshaymin]

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on

I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice: "You must learn to stand up for yourself
'cause I can't always be around..."

He says:

"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed."

I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear...

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was

Mirror mirror, where's the crystal palace?
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know, Dad, the ice is getting thin

"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed."

I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear...

Hair is gray and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead."

I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear...

Never change

All the white horses...

--"Winter" by Tori Amos

I've always been a sucker for winter music--I always found 'em quite pretty, usually 'cause you get chimes & piano and other stuff I really like and adore. Add to the fact this is a father-daughter song--you don't see these as often as mother-daughter or father-son for some reason. Which is odd, considering I feel closer to my Dad in my family despite me wanting to smack him to next Tuesday for obvious reasons.

This also makes me feel sad, 'cause things did change... except I think it's Dad being clingy to me, not the other way around. I just find myself more and more distant from him and everyone else in the family 'cause you know... sad events and all. Whatever happened to sweet old Daddy? You know, hardworking Daddy? Instead of this forgetful gray-haired man who lets his hate & anger boil to the point he has to snap everyone in the house into a fight, while I'm stuck here on the computer being forced to hear everything. Why am I even speaking of Dad when he isn't in the house right now, still on his business trip? Huh... guess he still leaves influence here.





I feel like anything that's been causing me problems today, 90% of the time, it's my parents' fault. I mean, when it comes to MY problems, I pretty much handle 'em by myself. But everything else? It's like Mom & Dad can't handle what's bothering them, so they dunk it on me. Why am I being forced to do the long way of washing dishes when time and time again, I tried teaching Dad the cleaner/easier/slimeless way of handling things? But no, Dad doesn't care, Dad doesn't listen, Dad doesn't remember--hence I slave forever needlessly with disgusting gunk, with a disgusting sink to boot 'cause he couldn't bother with new tactics himself.

I'm not a garbage bin... if they want to deal with the trash of their lives, I'm not to be a sitting chronicle of them.

I'm scared, too... with me having to listen to every horrible fight Dad has with Mom, Sis or whoever, what if I end up like one of them? Sis is already joking about I'm getting bitter and spiteful like my father, and I want to hurt her everytime she does that. What makes you think I want to be my father? Clearly if you know my REAL self, I've found joy & cheeriness beyond his reach. What if I get mentally ill like Mom, and lose everything I have? My common sense, my jest for life, my personality... I'd scare all my friends away, I'd be one big ball of drama & hate, and I'd be dead to the world 'cause I'd be constantly taking medicine that'll dull my senses, make my sense, and where I used to run, I'd just shuffle... shuffle.

I'm too young to be worried about Alzheimer's. But by the time I'm a senior, I want to be able to see, to listen, to remember... I'm nothing without my thoughts and memories of my childhood, things I've read, and such. I'd die giddly & in peace, in a nice cuddly bed surrounded by all the things I love and my accomplishments, and all the memories to make me smile as I daydream to sleep. Yeah, I'd like to die happy & painlessly, in my sleep, in my warm, pretty cozy covers... not in a dead hospital being forced alive in life-support, with tubes through my bones and me in quiet agony, and me unable to think of why I was unhappy, what happened to me before all those years--or just wondering where the hell am I, and being so scared. Friend, nasty ol' doctor, wouldn't matter, they're forgotten too.

I know few people ever get Alzheimer's. But I also know it's hereditary--Dad's dad died because of it, and it seemed like Dad himself is losing his own memory. Knowing that I've got most of my Dad's genes, well... I just hope to god it never happens to me. I know I should just stay healthy and try not to worry myself sick about it or I will end up getting it, but well... that kind of thing makes me flip out even more, 'cause that means when I get in a shaky mood, I'm thinking, "Oh my god, am I getting too shaky!? oO;;;"

I'm probably thinking too hard on this... I should try keeping myself occupied as much as I can, like finish everyone's icons. *nod* I'll be seeing Narnia tomorrow like I planned, except that Mom never shuts up about movies to me all day today because of it, ("But you wanted to see a movie tomorrow!" "But Mom! I don't want to see anything today!") so she just pushes and pushes and pushes and AUUUUUGH! Now I'm forced to watch "Farenheit 9/11" with her after Narnia, when all I care about right now is Narnia. I could watch 9/11 when I feel like it. But oh my god, with Mom it's like "Now!? Tomorrow!? Soon!? NOW!? NOW!? NOW!?" Seriously, it's amazing how much I get annoyed and lose COMPLETE will to do something, because Mom makes MY ideas her own--stop tossing my schedule into mine! And only I'm supposed to be more excited about what I want to do... not you. Kind of kills it being overzealous, you know?



Better get to bed--it's late, but hopefully I'll sleep better with this gotten outta my system. Kick me if I don't finish everyone's icons tomorrow.