(no subject)
Jun. 21st, 2005 10:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminOkay, a monarch butterfly had built a chrisalis near our door on a brick wall. Somehow, I had a feeling it was a bad idea, but I watched over it anyway. Sometime in the afternoon, I opened the door, and there was a light-gray stub on the wall. With a wet monarch being crushed by dirty water shoes. So I moved them out of the way. Shortly however, I came back and carefully moved the butterfly over a jar of plants so it can get more sun instead of being plastered against the hard floor. Later, the family's all "Oooooh, the butterfly's hatched!", then "Aww, one of its wings is still crumpled!" Then Dad tries to touch it by "giving some surgery to its wing". What the...! Later that night, I go to the jar and see if it was still there, which seemed like not. Cue morning.
The butterfly's still there, kind of clinging faintly to the soil. So I moved it carefully over some flower, hoping it could still pump its wing and get food in the process. There's a couple caterpillars on the milkweed plant, but I'm still worried about the butterfly that has hatched--I want it to survive. It didn't come all this way to hatch into a poor, crippled thing that couldn't take care of itself--it wants to fly. What a letdown then, to be crushed and live a short friggin' life 'cause you got yourself crammed into a stupid brick wall.
Maybe I'm being paranoid--but it's like everything my parents and I touch die. Just die. Or gets defective or diseased in some way--like it's some kind of sickly aura. Why else would a perfectly normal computer suddenly randomly start getting problems the moment I start using it? I'm worried I'm relating myself to the butterfly--I don't want to work so hard only to be taken care of for the rest of my life 'cause I'm too weak to watch over myself. And I die earlier than everyone else and I feel more miserable too. I don't want that. I want a lively aura around me--I want things to come to life and brighten up as I come near, 'cause I do things that keep me alive--I want to attract butterflies, healthy butterflies, not spending time swatting garbage-eating pests (Aka regular flies) in the kitchen and living room. I want to get the hell out and build a cabin in the woods, and build a garden--I don't want to live with my parents the rest of my life, and I'm scared what would happen to me because of it.
I've been so depressed lately and I don't know why. It's like I keep finding something to worry about and it's really bugging me--in fact, I was probably more cheerful before school ended. I'm supposed to be glad summer's here, and I can finally relax--yet I'm not able to. I keep getting paranoid and feeling I'm wasting my entire summer, be it procrastinating or something. I want to feel content by the end of summer--yet I keep thinking I have work to do before I can really put my mind at Rest Mode. Obviously, my fics. Except I want a certain video game before I could even function for one of them, and another in which I probably have Writer's Block 'till effing winter or something. Winter! And the other? God, it sucks. It sucks so much. I could rewrite this thing ten billion times and it would still suck. It feels weird seeing older sentences with the new, and whenever I have to rewrite an entirely new paragraph, it's so much better than the other paragraphs I had to edit less. I don't know what's wrong, but I have the strongest urge to take the beginning and just--whoosh. Change the entire fic. At least it's plot--which hardly has one anyway. I wonder if I'm even ready to write such a thing--even if it did start as an experimental fic, but it's stuck in my head now, and won't go...
Annnnd talking about my fics tends to jynx everything. Yeah Puri, smart move. Yeah, I'm gonna like, curl myself in a corner now, particulary for even mentioning Fic #3. God, there I go again. Maybe I'm spending too much time on the Internet, or I just never shut up and stop whining...
The butterfly's still there, kind of clinging faintly to the soil. So I moved it carefully over some flower, hoping it could still pump its wing and get food in the process. There's a couple caterpillars on the milkweed plant, but I'm still worried about the butterfly that has hatched--I want it to survive. It didn't come all this way to hatch into a poor, crippled thing that couldn't take care of itself--it wants to fly. What a letdown then, to be crushed and live a short friggin' life 'cause you got yourself crammed into a stupid brick wall.
Maybe I'm being paranoid--but it's like everything my parents and I touch die. Just die. Or gets defective or diseased in some way--like it's some kind of sickly aura. Why else would a perfectly normal computer suddenly randomly start getting problems the moment I start using it? I'm worried I'm relating myself to the butterfly--I don't want to work so hard only to be taken care of for the rest of my life 'cause I'm too weak to watch over myself. And I die earlier than everyone else and I feel more miserable too. I don't want that. I want a lively aura around me--I want things to come to life and brighten up as I come near, 'cause I do things that keep me alive--I want to attract butterflies, healthy butterflies, not spending time swatting garbage-eating pests (Aka regular flies) in the kitchen and living room. I want to get the hell out and build a cabin in the woods, and build a garden--I don't want to live with my parents the rest of my life, and I'm scared what would happen to me because of it.
I've been so depressed lately and I don't know why. It's like I keep finding something to worry about and it's really bugging me--in fact, I was probably more cheerful before school ended. I'm supposed to be glad summer's here, and I can finally relax--yet I'm not able to. I keep getting paranoid and feeling I'm wasting my entire summer, be it procrastinating or something. I want to feel content by the end of summer--yet I keep thinking I have work to do before I can really put my mind at Rest Mode. Obviously, my fics. Except I want a certain video game before I could even function for one of them, and another in which I probably have Writer's Block 'till effing winter or something. Winter! And the other? God, it sucks. It sucks so much. I could rewrite this thing ten billion times and it would still suck. It feels weird seeing older sentences with the new, and whenever I have to rewrite an entirely new paragraph, it's so much better than the other paragraphs I had to edit less. I don't know what's wrong, but I have the strongest urge to take the beginning and just--whoosh. Change the entire fic. At least it's plot--which hardly has one anyway. I wonder if I'm even ready to write such a thing--even if it did start as an experimental fic, but it's stuck in my head now, and won't go...
Annnnd talking about my fics tends to jynx everything. Yeah Puri, smart move. Yeah, I'm gonna like, curl myself in a corner now, particulary for even mentioning Fic #3. God, there I go again. Maybe I'm spending too much time on the Internet, or I just never shut up and stop whining...
