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Sep. 15th, 2005
(no subject)
Sep. 15th, 2005 10:38 pmIt's my Dad's birthday tomorrow. I hope he gets in an accident so he can have birthday cake in the hospital as a patient. :D Only... not being able to eat it, yeah. He's senile enough, and it's not like he even tries to change his awful habits. Why Dad, of course I'll forgive you for losing your temper! Again! And telling me I should've been left behind at school so I can hitch-hike my way over the highways and get hit by trucks! I love how you tell me that I "walk in here pissed off with your nasty little attitude!", and that OMG I never do my jobs and I'm lazy!!11 Pft, I'm WAY more responsible than he is, not to mention that I actually *GASP* keep my word! I can only have so much on my mind, but he wouldn't comprehend it. How on earth can I tell him what I put up with online? He wouldn't understand my fandom babblings. And his response would be FAR from helpful anyway.
And it REALLY helps when I actually think my writings good enough for show, which I've poured my HEART and SOUL into, and he's all "OMG this is great!!1" and THEN he tells me, "Why aren't you writing ORIGINALS OMG!!1 'Cause like, people would actually READ them, and it's something ANYONE can enjoy, not just your friends!" If he even knew how the fuck writing worked, he should know I wrote for an entire friggin' audience already, ten billion people I don't know. Screw all the hard work I've put into these things, it's just FLIMSY anyway! Child's play! Like it takes five seconds to write a fanfic but a billion millenia to do something of "quality" aka "originals". Gee Dad, thanks for your appreciation! I think I'll like, go and write stuff, 'cause like, people don't read fanfic at ALL and it's just a silly joke thing shared between friends anyway! *COUGH* I could write the most boring, generic fantasy novel written by a 2-year-old, between the most facinating fanfic in existance, and he'd read the latter and say, "OMG write ORIGINALS!!11" so he goes and drools over the former, no matter how suckily it's written.
And if he asks me to become a poet one more fucking time ever again, I'm going to smack him across the face. I DO NOT. WANT TO BE. A POET. And hell, look at the poetry I ever DID bring myself to write--it was the most HORRIBLE. CORNY. WANGSTY. GOTHIC SHIT I'VE EVER WROTE. I hated my poetry more than perhaps even my worst fanfictions! You cannot drag me into something I can't stand looking at after writing. But my Dad is fucking blind--he thinks it's the most BEAUTIFUL things he's ever wrote, and I'm sick and I gag and I throw up at the thought of it! And he wants me to write poetry... NO! I'm the writer! I decide what I want and won't do! And whenever he asks me to write anything, be it poetry or originals, I feel like I'm shot and dead. And embarressed.
And you know what? I actually do want to write originals one day. But the more he just pushes and PUSHES and PUSHES I just hold myself back even more and all inspiration dies because now it's more like HIS ideas, not MINE.
He's wasted my time asking me to clean the kitchen when I COULD be doing more important things. Thanks for interrupting me constantly when I'm trying to write, DAD.
And if you actually have something to say about the situation, don't simply leave "*hug*" as a comment. OH WOW, SO HELPFUL.
...Sorry.
And it REALLY helps when I actually think my writings good enough for show, which I've poured my HEART and SOUL into, and he's all "OMG this is great!!1" and THEN he tells me, "Why aren't you writing ORIGINALS OMG!!1 'Cause like, people would actually READ them, and it's something ANYONE can enjoy, not just your friends!" If he even knew how the fuck writing worked, he should know I wrote for an entire friggin' audience already, ten billion people I don't know. Screw all the hard work I've put into these things, it's just FLIMSY anyway! Child's play! Like it takes five seconds to write a fanfic but a billion millenia to do something of "quality" aka "originals". Gee Dad, thanks for your appreciation! I think I'll like, go and write stuff, 'cause like, people don't read fanfic at ALL and it's just a silly joke thing shared between friends anyway! *COUGH* I could write the most boring, generic fantasy novel written by a 2-year-old, between the most facinating fanfic in existance, and he'd read the latter and say, "OMG write ORIGINALS!!11" so he goes and drools over the former, no matter how suckily it's written.
And if he asks me to become a poet one more fucking time ever again, I'm going to smack him across the face. I DO NOT. WANT TO BE. A POET. And hell, look at the poetry I ever DID bring myself to write--it was the most HORRIBLE. CORNY. WANGSTY. GOTHIC SHIT I'VE EVER WROTE. I hated my poetry more than perhaps even my worst fanfictions! You cannot drag me into something I can't stand looking at after writing. But my Dad is fucking blind--he thinks it's the most BEAUTIFUL things he's ever wrote, and I'm sick and I gag and I throw up at the thought of it! And he wants me to write poetry... NO! I'm the writer! I decide what I want and won't do! And whenever he asks me to write anything, be it poetry or originals, I feel like I'm shot and dead. And embarressed.
And you know what? I actually do want to write originals one day. But the more he just pushes and PUSHES and PUSHES I just hold myself back even more and all inspiration dies because now it's more like HIS ideas, not MINE.
He's wasted my time asking me to clean the kitchen when I COULD be doing more important things. Thanks for interrupting me constantly when I'm trying to write, DAD.
And if you actually have something to say about the situation, don't simply leave "*hug*" as a comment. OH WOW, SO HELPFUL.
...Sorry.
(no subject)
Sep. 15th, 2005 11:19 pm...And while we're at it. And because it'll be impossible for me fall asleep anyway, and that I haven't exactly felt energetic all day.
I really wanted to write. To the point where I'm sitting there, feeling my head would burst and I'd scream if I didn't write, to the point of me speeding all the way home on my two feet just to type away at Microsoft Word. I carry not one, but two, notebooks with me--to kick myself to get to work in school when I've got free time. Alas, I hardly write in them anyway, 'cause I'd feel burnt out as hell, and it was difficult looking at blank paper, trying to get the right mood, the right pencil/pen, and if it's a pencil, it's gotta be sharpened so it feels more powerful and like I'm actually scratching the words on paper like I mean it... ten billion distractions for me, and I never put a letter. I don't get anything accomplished. Bingo! Oooh, and the constant Writer's Block that hits like unmovable anvils and Thwomps. Does anyone else feel this way, like sometimes you've GOT to write 24/7, but when it came down to it, you're just too burnt out? And whatever you DID churn out, it felt spiritless and tired and horrible, and you can feel it from the pit of your stomach. And overall, you just feel plain horrible, like you did nothing no matter what you did.
Advice from a professional author (namely Ray Bradbury, whom I like): write every day. A lot, a little bit, just write. 1000 words, a paragraph, whatever. As long as you wrote. And lord, did I fail. And the sad thing is? I'd look at chapters of my Secret*Fic, counting every 1000 words and with my JAW dropping, it's amazing exactly HOW much I would've finished by the end of say... three days. Within a week, I'd probably have something like three chapters or more. And that's a BIG number for Puri, considering knowing how often she writes, it takes her months to finish a chapter.
And then, when I'm not forcing my brain into Fic Mode and it procrastinating on me per usual, there also come times when for once, my brain is willing to work with me: in other words, I'm in Inspired*Mode, it's when Muses are knocking on your head and such. It's when I'm stuck at school screaming inside my head Igottagethomeandwriterightnow! and such. I'm excited and cheerful, and when I write, I know what I'm writing is good, and it sets on fire and sounds more like me, and alive and moving and amazing and creative and inspirational... instead of, you know, a generic dead cliché textbook. (And yes, I've realized I've used about ten billion adjectives here) I go FAST when it comes to writing. 'Cause I'm that energetic and uppity.
Whether I'm in Dead*Mode or Creative*Mode, I. Am. CONSTANTLY. Interrupted. I get stuck doing chores, and it only takes five seconds before my muses get bored of me and leave, and the right-side of my brain shut down. It drives me crazy, and at these creative spurges, I need as much time typing and working as much as possible!
'Cause obviously, I'm not writing enough. I'm not contributing to my fandoms as much as I COULD be. I'm all talk, I complain about the stuff that bugs me in fanfiction, but I'm too lazy to write my own fics to show how it's really done. And it's embarressing as hell, 'cause someone at a thread was curious about a ship of mine and was willing to give fanfiction for it a chance--and me, the so-called biggest Sonadow fan ever? She only has posted like, one silly thing done some months ago, and a bunch of really old, outdated, even embarressing drabbles. Wow, go Puri! And as far as I'm concerned, it's like whatever chaptered stuff I'm doing will probably take until 2063 to finish, and it's like I keep finding a reason to hold back writing one-shots so I can actually *gasp* make myself known instead of being all brag and drabble, but no fic. "No, after I finish this chapter... no, I should replay the game first. Wait, I think I should read this book first..." Cue more excuses.
I suck managing my time. I need to make myself stronger, but it seems like whenever I try to organize, something screws up or outside interruptions constantly get in the way of my plans. Wow. And lords, I feel whiny and it sounds like I don't have the guts to be a novelist at all. But what else am I ever good at, scribbling corny jokes on Photoshop?
One paragraph of fic typed tonight. Wow, I feel special.
I really wanted to write. To the point where I'm sitting there, feeling my head would burst and I'd scream if I didn't write, to the point of me speeding all the way home on my two feet just to type away at Microsoft Word. I carry not one, but two, notebooks with me--to kick myself to get to work in school when I've got free time. Alas, I hardly write in them anyway, 'cause I'd feel burnt out as hell, and it was difficult looking at blank paper, trying to get the right mood, the right pencil/pen, and if it's a pencil, it's gotta be sharpened so it feels more powerful and like I'm actually scratching the words on paper like I mean it... ten billion distractions for me, and I never put a letter. I don't get anything accomplished. Bingo! Oooh, and the constant Writer's Block that hits like unmovable anvils and Thwomps. Does anyone else feel this way, like sometimes you've GOT to write 24/7, but when it came down to it, you're just too burnt out? And whatever you DID churn out, it felt spiritless and tired and horrible, and you can feel it from the pit of your stomach. And overall, you just feel plain horrible, like you did nothing no matter what you did.
Advice from a professional author (namely Ray Bradbury, whom I like): write every day. A lot, a little bit, just write. 1000 words, a paragraph, whatever. As long as you wrote. And lord, did I fail. And the sad thing is? I'd look at chapters of my Secret*Fic, counting every 1000 words and with my JAW dropping, it's amazing exactly HOW much I would've finished by the end of say... three days. Within a week, I'd probably have something like three chapters or more. And that's a BIG number for Puri, considering knowing how often she writes, it takes her months to finish a chapter.
And then, when I'm not forcing my brain into Fic Mode and it procrastinating on me per usual, there also come times when for once, my brain is willing to work with me: in other words, I'm in Inspired*Mode, it's when Muses are knocking on your head and such. It's when I'm stuck at school screaming inside my head Igottagethomeandwriterightnow! and such. I'm excited and cheerful, and when I write, I know what I'm writing is good, and it sets on fire and sounds more like me, and alive and moving and amazing and creative and inspirational... instead of, you know, a generic dead cliché textbook. (And yes, I've realized I've used about ten billion adjectives here) I go FAST when it comes to writing. 'Cause I'm that energetic and uppity.
Whether I'm in Dead*Mode or Creative*Mode, I. Am. CONSTANTLY. Interrupted. I get stuck doing chores, and it only takes five seconds before my muses get bored of me and leave, and the right-side of my brain shut down. It drives me crazy, and at these creative spurges, I need as much time typing and working as much as possible!
'Cause obviously, I'm not writing enough. I'm not contributing to my fandoms as much as I COULD be. I'm all talk, I complain about the stuff that bugs me in fanfiction, but I'm too lazy to write my own fics to show how it's really done. And it's embarressing as hell, 'cause someone at a thread was curious about a ship of mine and was willing to give fanfiction for it a chance--and me, the so-called biggest Sonadow fan ever? She only has posted like, one silly thing done some months ago, and a bunch of really old, outdated, even embarressing drabbles. Wow, go Puri! And as far as I'm concerned, it's like whatever chaptered stuff I'm doing will probably take until 2063 to finish, and it's like I keep finding a reason to hold back writing one-shots so I can actually *gasp* make myself known instead of being all brag and drabble, but no fic. "No, after I finish this chapter... no, I should replay the game first. Wait, I think I should read this book first..." Cue more excuses.
I suck managing my time. I need to make myself stronger, but it seems like whenever I try to organize, something screws up or outside interruptions constantly get in the way of my plans. Wow. And lords, I feel whiny and it sounds like I don't have the guts to be a novelist at all. But what else am I ever good at, scribbling corny jokes on Photoshop?
One paragraph of fic typed tonight. Wow, I feel special.
