(no subject)
May. 9th, 2006 08:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamanicshayminSo you know? When I look at a character or a shipping...
- I never judge from the fangirls
- I never judge from a character's/ship's popularity
- I never judge from fandom/fanfiction suckiness
- I do judge from what I think of him/her/them in the game
So if I say I don't like a couple or something, and you say, "Don't worry, at least the fanfics are good!", let's hope you get out alive with less than a broken neck. Guess what? Chances are I know the stories, I know the rhymes--sure, they're wonderful. But the ship itself still does nothing for me.
Yes, I'm fully aware that for what I do support, the drooling fangirls and garbage trip me to the dirt and laugh. You don't need to tell me. I don't need any fingers pointing at me, heads nodding in affirmative "sad truth", and be all "I told you so", like I deserved it for following a "puny" "immature" following. Again. You don't need to tell me. I'm not ignorant and stupid like you think I am. If you think I'm going to leave a character, ship, or a fandom because of a crummy fanbase, prepare for the screeching and hair-pulling. You see, I have something called a "Me" fandom.
It's exactly what it sounds like. Just the Animé, video game, whatever, and myself. Albeit, its foundations are getting shaky all the time, with its single member coming back feeling torn, bruised and beaten each time, and noticed yet another one of her decorations getting old and dusty and falling to the ground like ripped drapes or hunks of chewed metal. Still, this place was the most important thing to me. There is no shipwars. There is no rabid fangirls. As far as I'm concerned, no fanfiction exists except for mine. I am all alone, except for nameless random muses floating by now and then, often Mario characters, most commonly Peach and Bowser, maybe Wario. Just somewhere where I could swim in Winamp music and unleash creativity. No one screamed at me. No one made faces. No one condescended me for liking a character, liking a ship, or thinking a certain idea. Because I'm the only one. I was free to paint my inner self and sing in glee.
Nowadays, it's just harder and harder to get into that room. And it seems more like a wreck than ever each time I visit. It's like, I'm not securing my "Me"dom enough. It's like I'm letting too many people in when it was supposed to be MY place. There used to be rainbows on the wall. So, they grow disgusted and by the time I get back, the colors are either clouded or worse--shredded to rags or graphiti'd on. So I stand there, the gray spray-painted graphiti message cutting me in the heart and I take the rainbows down to tape 'em together, wash them up, even put new rainbows up... I do everything to protect this place. But they keep. Coming. Back.
Ye gods, it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
It feels like the only thing that'll ever truly make me feel better is if I upload an actual fic on FF.net. Or something. Hell, just finishing the entire Secret*Fic, even if it takes me years and years to ever finish it at all. It's like, the most important thing to me right now: the Secret*Fic. But I've hardly done anything for it the past year and now, and... by next November, it'd be two years. It's like I've been stuck in Writer's Block for months and months on end. Hell, even Icon Block too. It's been that miserable.
Sounds like a selfish thing. But then, people often thing it's selfish to want to be alone in general anyway. So fuck that.
There's only ten kajillion more things I have in mind, but the Internet melted my brain again, trying to cheer myself up. I dunno. Among that, I want school to end. All that happens when I go is more stress and a constant reminder of everything that bothers me that's only worse 'cause the only way I can fix 'em is to go online.
(1 + 1 = 3
3 - 1 = 2
Now it's me and you
You are like Pikachu,
Small but strong
The bravest of us...)
4 AM, I watch you sleep
I pray to god your soul to keep
You're sound asleep, but I feel pain
You win my thoughts, you're in my head again
I wonder what you dream, when you dream
Do you feel what I feel?
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
- I never judge from the fangirls
- I never judge from a character's/ship's popularity
- I never judge from fandom/fanfiction suckiness
- I do judge from what I think of him/her/them in the game
So if I say I don't like a couple or something, and you say, "Don't worry, at least the fanfics are good!", let's hope you get out alive with less than a broken neck. Guess what? Chances are I know the stories, I know the rhymes--sure, they're wonderful. But the ship itself still does nothing for me.
Yes, I'm fully aware that for what I do support, the drooling fangirls and garbage trip me to the dirt and laugh. You don't need to tell me. I don't need any fingers pointing at me, heads nodding in affirmative "sad truth", and be all "I told you so", like I deserved it for following a "puny" "immature" following. Again. You don't need to tell me. I'm not ignorant and stupid like you think I am. If you think I'm going to leave a character, ship, or a fandom because of a crummy fanbase, prepare for the screeching and hair-pulling. You see, I have something called a "Me" fandom.
It's exactly what it sounds like. Just the Animé, video game, whatever, and myself. Albeit, its foundations are getting shaky all the time, with its single member coming back feeling torn, bruised and beaten each time, and noticed yet another one of her decorations getting old and dusty and falling to the ground like ripped drapes or hunks of chewed metal. Still, this place was the most important thing to me. There is no shipwars. There is no rabid fangirls. As far as I'm concerned, no fanfiction exists except for mine. I am all alone, except for nameless random muses floating by now and then, often Mario characters, most commonly Peach and Bowser, maybe Wario. Just somewhere where I could swim in Winamp music and unleash creativity. No one screamed at me. No one made faces. No one condescended me for liking a character, liking a ship, or thinking a certain idea. Because I'm the only one. I was free to paint my inner self and sing in glee.
Nowadays, it's just harder and harder to get into that room. And it seems more like a wreck than ever each time I visit. It's like, I'm not securing my "Me"dom enough. It's like I'm letting too many people in when it was supposed to be MY place. There used to be rainbows on the wall. So, they grow disgusted and by the time I get back, the colors are either clouded or worse--shredded to rags or graphiti'd on. So I stand there, the gray spray-painted graphiti message cutting me in the heart and I take the rainbows down to tape 'em together, wash them up, even put new rainbows up... I do everything to protect this place. But they keep. Coming. Back.
Ye gods, it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
It feels like the only thing that'll ever truly make me feel better is if I upload an actual fic on FF.net. Or something. Hell, just finishing the entire Secret*Fic, even if it takes me years and years to ever finish it at all. It's like, the most important thing to me right now: the Secret*Fic. But I've hardly done anything for it the past year and now, and... by next November, it'd be two years. It's like I've been stuck in Writer's Block for months and months on end. Hell, even Icon Block too. It's been that miserable.
Sounds like a selfish thing. But then, people often thing it's selfish to want to be alone in general anyway. So fuck that.
There's only ten kajillion more things I have in mind, but the Internet melted my brain again, trying to cheer myself up. I dunno. Among that, I want school to end. All that happens when I go is more stress and a constant reminder of everything that bothers me that's only worse 'cause the only way I can fix 'em is to go online.
(1 + 1 = 3
3 - 1 = 2
Now it's me and you
You are like Pikachu,
Small but strong
The bravest of us...)
4 AM, I watch you sleep
I pray to god your soul to keep
You're sound asleep, but I feel pain
You win my thoughts, you're in my head again
I wonder what you dream, when you dream
Do you feel what I feel?
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
My head is numb, my eyes are red
My soul is weak, my heart's like lead
But you make it go away
Because you're real
Because you're clean
Because you're clean
