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shamanicshayminGod, reading Dorian Gray after finishing 50 Shades is like playing Earthbound after beating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
To say it AVGN-style: "I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S 50 SHADES OF GREY!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer! I'm begging you, don't read 50 Shades of Grey. To read this shit is to be on the receiving end of punishment! ...And not the good kind."
I have never been so angry at a book than I have with 50 Shades of Grey. It gives Wuthering Heights a run for its money, and that's saying a lot.
There are three kinds of bad books. A. The type that bores you to death. B. The type that angers/disturbs you so much that you want to throw it against the wall and worse. C. The type that effortlessly does both of the above. Guess which category 50 Shades is in.
Isabella Swann meets rich CEO Edward Cullen... oh, I'm sorry. *clears throat* Anastasia Steele meets rich CEO Christian Grey and falls desperately in love with him. But he's got a deadly secret... he practices BDSM and plans on having Ana as his sub. Would Christian ever "learn to love" or will Ana be driven away by his kink?
This book does a LOT of telling, but never shows us anything. We're supposed to accept that there's chemistry between Christian and Ana because their friends and family makes comments about them and how good they are together (including Kate, Ana's friend who flip-flops between wanting her to get together with Christian or dump him). We're supposed to believe that Christian is "mysterious" (or "enigmatic" or "mercurial") because Ana thinks so. We're supposed to think that Ana is intelligent because Christian finds her fascinating and that she likes British lit. Oh, there's something enigmatic to their relationship, all right. So is Christian, and Ana's more than ordinary. But for all the wrong reasons.
Imagine if Edward Cullen and Patrick Bateman had a test-tube son with the personality of a block of wood. Take Isabella Swann and dial the Naivety/Self-Righteousness/Hypocrisy Meter up by 11. Put them in a bowl and mix them together. Add a sprinkling of BDSM taken from five minutes off Google. Put it in the oven, take it out half-baked, and you get 50 Shades of Grey. A tale of two selfish and horrible people in an abusive relationship that is considered "sexy" and "ideal."
Christian Grey has the attitude of a serial rapist. Ana is in constant fear of him, which is something I don't want to feel around my boyfriend 24/7. In Chapter 12, Ana sends him a "Nice knowing you!" email and feels strangely relieved without knowing why, and at the same time dismissing the email as a "joke." (And it's a joke... why?) She gets no reply from him. Guess what happens? Christian breaks into her apartment and rapes her. ("Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me." p. 136) No, I don't care if she enjoys it. That does not make it okay for him to break into her apartment without her permission. Or have sex without her consent. THIS IS WRONG AND DISTURBING. IT IS NOT ROMANTIC.
Ana has a 4.0 GPA, but she's stupider than Charlie Brown's trick-or-treat bag of rocks. She signs a legal document of Christian's without even bothering to read it. She is constantly stating the obvious and her lack of sex ed is appalling. It would be one thing if it were the 1951, but 2011? Apparently the publishing industry doesn't understand that you can be a virgin without being an idiot, especially if you're a woman. Ana is shallow and constantly condescending to her friends, and gushes over Christian for his attractiveness and wealth, and how good he is in bed... and nothing else. Forget loving someone for their personality! It's true love if he's hot, even when he mistreats you!
Did I mention that stalking is treated casually? Sure, Ana called Christian a "stalker" several times, but it's more for the lulz. Nothing says el-oh-el like a dude buying you a first class plane ticket (and the seat next to you so it's empty and you never talk to anyone) and later following you when you're trying to have a goddamn vacation with your mom.
The prose is wooden, soulless and repetitious. Christian and Ana's hobbies (gliding and British lit) feel like they're just pasted on and don't tell us anything about their characters. The sex scenes are monotonous and have little variation. A toucan can write more emotional sex than this. At the gliding scene in Chapter 24, we're not told anything about the dawn sky except that it's "beautiful." For a scene that's supposed to take you there in the moment, to feel the same exhilaration and freedom that Ana is supposed to feel, it's about as real as playing in a cardboard box. The repetition? Don't get me started. There's repetition for art's sake, and there's repetition from a lack of an editor and horrible writing. And I doubt that E.L. James is being influenced by Gertrude Stein, let alone heard of her. I've recorded an entire laundry list of the dances and cheers that Ana's "inner goddess" made throughout this book alone.
The amount of times Ana says, "Holy _______" is ridiculous:
Cow: 19
Crap: 41
Hell: 13
Shit: 53
Fuck: 22
Moses: 8
Mackerel: 1
Total: 157
For the love of whatever deity you worship, please don't waste your time with 50 Shades and take a look at actual classic erotica. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley's Lover... hell, if you want stuff written by women, you've got Story of O and the works of Anaïs Nin. Women writing erotica is nothing new, and it sickens me that this series is hyped for "liberating female sexuality" when it does the exact opposite. To say in "staccato": This. Book. SUCKS.
Here's a treat for my LJ/DW followers... my laundry list of the Inner Goddess's activities and more abused repetitions.
Inner Goddess does the following:
- sway in a gentle victorious samba.
- glares at Ana, tapping her foot impatiently.
- is thrilled.
- doing the merengue with some salsa moves.
- stopped dancing and staring with Ana at Christian, mouth open and drooling slightly.
- is thrilled again.
- sit in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.
- nods in silent zen-like agreement with Ana's subconscious.
- jumps up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. (Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company)
- stops jumping to smile serenely. (Oh yes… she mouths, nodding at me smugly.)
- shakes her head at me and knows Ana is lying that she wishes she never met Christian.
- glows so bright she could light up Portland.
- makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at Paul with her fingers.
- coaxes Ana to play Christian at his own game.
- jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at Ana.
- not pleased when Christian doesn't glance at Ana.
- does back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.
- smacks her lips together and glows with pride. (for getting an "A" in delivering blowjobs)
- bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.
- pants.
- roars.
- is going to explode.
- looks like someone snatched her ice cream.
- wakes up and pays attention.
- pleads with Ana.
- prostrate and quiet.
- staring open-mouthed.
- swept under the rug she is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday.
- beside herself, hopping from foot to foot.
- has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode. (again)
- spins like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette.
- has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the outside of her room.
- grins at Ana. (Hell… two can play that particular game)
- sighs with relief. ("I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part.")
- smolders and not in a good way.
- nods in agreement, a satisfied grin over her face. (You didn’t have to ask for {your panties})
- pops her head above the parapet.
- pouts at Ana, failing miserably to hide her disappointment.
- does the dance of the seven veils.
- glares at Ana in desperation.
- scowls at Ana for thinking that Christian is too beautiful for her.
- basking in a remnant of post-coital glow and clueless.
- leaps up cheering from her chaise longue.
- gazes at Christian in quiet, surprised speculation.
- glances nervously at Ana's subconscious.
- pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.
- stands on the podium awaiting her gold medal.
- backflips off the podium and does cartwheels around the stadium.
- hides under a blanket behind the sofa.
- swoons.
- hopeful for one type of mood Christian is in.
- is called directly to by Christian's "sensual carnality."
- is a hiding place for Ana's inner sub.
- sways and writhes to some primal carnal rhythm.
- closes her eyes and revels in the feel of Christian's lips on Ana's.
- endeavors to look brave.
- is nowhere to be seen.
- thinks a "nasty, unbidden" though with her lips curled in a snarl.
Times Ana flushes: 120
Times Ana's subconscious is mentioned: 79
Times Christian's gray eyes are mentioned: 71
Times Ana blushes: 35
Times lip biting is mentioned: 34 (13 involving Christian telling Ana to quit biting her lip)
Times Christian's eyes burn: 24
Times Christian is called a control freak: 20
Times Icarus simile/metaphor is mentioned: 6
Times Edvard Munch is mentioned: 2
Oh My!: 71
Number of Sex Scenes: 13
Number of Sex Scenes closest to BDSM: 4 (counting silver balls)
To say it AVGN-style: "I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S 50 SHADES OF GREY!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer! I'm begging you, don't read 50 Shades of Grey. To read this shit is to be on the receiving end of punishment! ...And not the good kind."
I have never been so angry at a book than I have with 50 Shades of Grey. It gives Wuthering Heights a run for its money, and that's saying a lot.
There are three kinds of bad books. A. The type that bores you to death. B. The type that angers/disturbs you so much that you want to throw it against the wall and worse. C. The type that effortlessly does both of the above. Guess which category 50 Shades is in.
Isabella Swann meets rich CEO Edward Cullen... oh, I'm sorry. *clears throat* Anastasia Steele meets rich CEO Christian Grey and falls desperately in love with him. But he's got a deadly secret... he practices BDSM and plans on having Ana as his sub. Would Christian ever "learn to love" or will Ana be driven away by his kink?
This book does a LOT of telling, but never shows us anything. We're supposed to accept that there's chemistry between Christian and Ana because their friends and family makes comments about them and how good they are together (including Kate, Ana's friend who flip-flops between wanting her to get together with Christian or dump him). We're supposed to believe that Christian is "mysterious" (or "enigmatic" or "mercurial") because Ana thinks so. We're supposed to think that Ana is intelligent because Christian finds her fascinating and that she likes British lit. Oh, there's something enigmatic to their relationship, all right. So is Christian, and Ana's more than ordinary. But for all the wrong reasons.
Imagine if Edward Cullen and Patrick Bateman had a test-tube son with the personality of a block of wood. Take Isabella Swann and dial the Naivety/Self-Righteousness/Hypocrisy Meter up by 11. Put them in a bowl and mix them together. Add a sprinkling of BDSM taken from five minutes off Google. Put it in the oven, take it out half-baked, and you get 50 Shades of Grey. A tale of two selfish and horrible people in an abusive relationship that is considered "sexy" and "ideal."
Christian Grey has the attitude of a serial rapist. Ana is in constant fear of him, which is something I don't want to feel around my boyfriend 24/7. In Chapter 12, Ana sends him a "Nice knowing you!" email and feels strangely relieved without knowing why, and at the same time dismissing the email as a "joke." (And it's a joke... why?) She gets no reply from him. Guess what happens? Christian breaks into her apartment and rapes her. ("Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me." p. 136) No, I don't care if she enjoys it. That does not make it okay for him to break into her apartment without her permission. Or have sex without her consent. THIS IS WRONG AND DISTURBING. IT IS NOT ROMANTIC.
Ana has a 4.0 GPA, but she's stupider than Charlie Brown's trick-or-treat bag of rocks. She signs a legal document of Christian's without even bothering to read it. She is constantly stating the obvious and her lack of sex ed is appalling. It would be one thing if it were the 1951, but 2011? Apparently the publishing industry doesn't understand that you can be a virgin without being an idiot, especially if you're a woman. Ana is shallow and constantly condescending to her friends, and gushes over Christian for his attractiveness and wealth, and how good he is in bed... and nothing else. Forget loving someone for their personality! It's true love if he's hot, even when he mistreats you!
Did I mention that stalking is treated casually? Sure, Ana called Christian a "stalker" several times, but it's more for the lulz. Nothing says el-oh-el like a dude buying you a first class plane ticket (and the seat next to you so it's empty and you never talk to anyone) and later following you when you're trying to have a goddamn vacation with your mom.
The prose is wooden, soulless and repetitious. Christian and Ana's hobbies (gliding and British lit) feel like they're just pasted on and don't tell us anything about their characters. The sex scenes are monotonous and have little variation. A toucan can write more emotional sex than this. At the gliding scene in Chapter 24, we're not told anything about the dawn sky except that it's "beautiful." For a scene that's supposed to take you there in the moment, to feel the same exhilaration and freedom that Ana is supposed to feel, it's about as real as playing in a cardboard box. The repetition? Don't get me started. There's repetition for art's sake, and there's repetition from a lack of an editor and horrible writing. And I doubt that E.L. James is being influenced by Gertrude Stein, let alone heard of her. I've recorded an entire laundry list of the dances and cheers that Ana's "inner goddess" made throughout this book alone.
The amount of times Ana says, "Holy _______" is ridiculous:
Cow: 19
Crap: 41
Hell: 13
Shit: 53
Fuck: 22
Moses: 8
Mackerel: 1
Total: 157
For the love of whatever deity you worship, please don't waste your time with 50 Shades and take a look at actual classic erotica. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley's Lover... hell, if you want stuff written by women, you've got Story of O and the works of Anaïs Nin. Women writing erotica is nothing new, and it sickens me that this series is hyped for "liberating female sexuality" when it does the exact opposite. To say in "staccato": This. Book. SUCKS.
Here's a treat for my LJ/DW followers... my laundry list of the Inner Goddess's activities and more abused repetitions.
Inner Goddess does the following:
- sway in a gentle victorious samba.
- glares at Ana, tapping her foot impatiently.
- is thrilled.
- doing the merengue with some salsa moves.
- stopped dancing and staring with Ana at Christian, mouth open and drooling slightly.
- is thrilled again.
- sit in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.
- nods in silent zen-like agreement with Ana's subconscious.
- jumps up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. (Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company)
- stops jumping to smile serenely. (Oh yes… she mouths, nodding at me smugly.)
- shakes her head at me and knows Ana is lying that she wishes she never met Christian.
- glows so bright she could light up Portland.
- makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at Paul with her fingers.
- coaxes Ana to play Christian at his own game.
- jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at Ana.
- not pleased when Christian doesn't glance at Ana.
- does back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.
- smacks her lips together and glows with pride. (for getting an "A" in delivering blowjobs)
- bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.
- pants.
- roars.
- is going to explode.
- looks like someone snatched her ice cream.
- wakes up and pays attention.
- pleads with Ana.
- prostrate and quiet.
- staring open-mouthed.
- swept under the rug she is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday.
- beside herself, hopping from foot to foot.
- has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode. (again)
- spins like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette.
- has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the outside of her room.
- grins at Ana. (Hell… two can play that particular game)
- sighs with relief. ("I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part.")
- smolders and not in a good way.
- nods in agreement, a satisfied grin over her face. (You didn’t have to ask for {your panties})
- pops her head above the parapet.
- pouts at Ana, failing miserably to hide her disappointment.
- does the dance of the seven veils.
- glares at Ana in desperation.
- scowls at Ana for thinking that Christian is too beautiful for her.
- basking in a remnant of post-coital glow and clueless.
- leaps up cheering from her chaise longue.
- gazes at Christian in quiet, surprised speculation.
- glances nervously at Ana's subconscious.
- pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.
- stands on the podium awaiting her gold medal.
- backflips off the podium and does cartwheels around the stadium.
- hides under a blanket behind the sofa.
- swoons.
- hopeful for one type of mood Christian is in.
- is called directly to by Christian's "sensual carnality."
- is a hiding place for Ana's inner sub.
- sways and writhes to some primal carnal rhythm.
- closes her eyes and revels in the feel of Christian's lips on Ana's.
- endeavors to look brave.
- is nowhere to be seen.
- thinks a "nasty, unbidden" though with her lips curled in a snarl.
Times Ana flushes: 120
Times Ana's subconscious is mentioned: 79
Times Christian's gray eyes are mentioned: 71
Times Ana blushes: 35
Times lip biting is mentioned: 34 (13 involving Christian telling Ana to quit biting her lip)
Times Christian's eyes burn: 24
Times Christian is called a control freak: 20
Times Icarus simile/metaphor is mentioned: 6
Times Edvard Munch is mentioned: 2
Oh My!: 71
Number of Sex Scenes: 13
Number of Sex Scenes closest to BDSM: 4 (counting silver balls)
