(no subject)

I've been getting stomach-aches a lot lately. At first, I was worried if it was spoiled food or reusing a glass or something. Turns out nope, it wasn't that. But it still kept happening and I didn't know why. Now it's due to me not eating enough (which is odd, 'cause I usually get headaches when that happens) or stress. Just recently I ended up crying in front of my parents not because of the pain but because I felt, well... sad.

Basically, this week has been... hectic. Sunday is DnD night, a time to spend with my IRL friends. The DM, David (we call him Dave usually) is usually a wise-cracking guy with a degree of coolness to him. Apparently, there's been a few mishaps in our group, mainly around his room-mate/girlfriend, but which I generally stay out of because... yeah. Except for poking fun at one of the cats, because that kitty's silly and I love him.

So the group's been goofing off, and the game hasn't really started yet, and distractions galore. And suddenly, Dave yells at us and starts a countdown of 30 seconds to get to the table or else our character was getting killed off. Even when we were all there, he kept going, ("Everyone's re--" "SHUT UP. 18...! 17...!") and it was like Dave was gone. You know the term, Beware the Nice Ones? Amp it up to a horrifying tee. He then tells us he wasn't going to fuck around anymore. On any other day, he's their friend, but tonight he's the DM. He will not tolerate us playing video games/watching videos/etc. when we're being called to the table for DnD. And other things.

Namely that he wouldn't tolerate bickering amongst the group. When he lived with his parents, he had the Chinese symbol of "harmony" on the door of his room. His apartment is his sanctuary, basically, an escape from what I guess must be a lot of conflict at his family's house. So then that we're arguing with his room-mate and what-not, we're invading his privacy and peace.

Guess who couldn't compose herself no matter how hard she tried, and had to be escorted to another room to calm down? I was shocked, but I thought I'd be able to brush it off and just try to enjoy the game... apparently my friends know me better than I do. Dave apologized, and I helped him clean up some coke he spilled on the table, but in the end, I just... couldn't get better. This is the second DnD game in a row I skipped because I was too depressed, and this time, James actually had to drive me back home. The game went off to a good start after I left, and I do feel bad for not being there, but... it's probably for the best I went home anyway, since I was still shaken by the whole thing and didn't want to drag people down with me.

Over the past few days, I realized another reason Dave's words struck a chord with me. My parents still get into the same angry outbursts with each other and I can only think of one thing: harmony. Might as well be pasted on my own door too, because I'm relating all too well. My parents even got into another argument because they saw me crying and upset. Dad yells is head off, Mom is stubborn and refuses to acknowledge when something actually might be her fault, and it pains me to always say that about my parents because they're good people and genuinely care about me, but just... they have their issues to work out and it's not helping with mine.

It's gotten to the point where I just don't like to argue period. If there's a fight going on, I'm staying out of it, I don't want to take sides and start yelling. Part of it stems that I've supposedly inherited a lot of Dad's traits, including his temper, and I spent a long time trying to control it because I didn't want to be like Dad who easily gets enraged by things and talking about certain crocks on the phone who are clearly out to get him, etc. There are times I see some stranger on the Internet I disagree with and I want to rip their argument a new one and shred it into itty bitty pieces and stomp on it, but I know if I do that, I will feel horrible, and I dread what the other person will say and tear me even worse and... yeah. There's exceptions of course, like if there's a situation where I have to stand up for myself to clear a misunderstanding. I just don't want to be this hateful, spiteful bitch.

I've got people like James, my parents, etc. asking me what's wrong, and well... it's hard for me to explain. I'm not mad at Dave or afraid of my IRL friends or anything. I just feel really overwhelmed and there's memories coming back to me and current little stuff that's hitting me like the Death Traps in Silver Surfer for NES or something. I'm worried I might have to skip DnD yet again because I'm worried I'll break and cry over the stupidest little things again. It's just... hard, and like I said, I have a hard time articulating accurately what's really wrong with me right now. Except lately I've been quiet (as in, clamped shut) 'cause I have no idea how to explain. It's not like anything traumatic happened to me or anything, but fuck it was hard enough typing this all out, and I don't even know if I've even scratched the surface of my core worries right now. I'm just going back to sleep, because it's the easiest thing to do right now. I'm tired anyway.

SIGNAL BOOST: SAY YES TO GAY YA

Originally posted by darkspirited1 at SIGNAL BOOST: SAY YES TO GAY YA

This comes from an article by rachelmanija entitled, Say Yes to Gay YA.
(click the link for the full article)

Our novel Stranger has five viewpoint characters; one, Yuki Nakamura, is
gay and has a boyfriend. Yuki's romance, like the heterosexual ones in
the novel, involves nothing more explicit than kissing.

An agent from a major agency, one which represents a bestselling YA novel in the same genre as ours, called us.

The agent offered to sign us on the condition that we make the gay
character straight, or else remove his viewpoint and all references to
his sexual orientation.

This isn't about that specific agent; we'd gotten other rewrite requests before this one. Previous agents had also offered to take a second look if we did rewrites… including cutting the viewpoint of Yuki, the gay character.

It's time to stand up and demand change. Spread the word everywhere if you are just as angry and outraged by this.

Ganked from sarajayechan & <user site="livejournal.com" user="s

Give me a pairing, and I'll answer the following. If it so moves you, give me a few pairs.

1.) What they most commonly do during sex (if they are the sexing type)
2.) Who has prettier (or just more attractive) hair
3.) What they argue about most often
4.) Who'd cope best if the other one died
5.) The happiest plausible happily-ever-after I can think of for them
6.) The most tragic possible ending for them
7.) What I enjoy most about their dynamic
8.) What I find difficult to write about them

Responses will likely be slow, since I still feel crummy and all.