(no subject)

I am so damn lonely. Of course, I mean IRL. It's gotten to the point where it's been gnawing me out and I feel neglected and unwanted. Yet I can't connect with anyone and when I mention things I like no one knows what I'm talking about. ("Oh, it's the weird kid. Just smile and nod and act like it's nice though she can tell you don't have a clue and don't care.") I'm feeling motivation being sucked out of me. I want someone to talk and laugh with beyond just "that guy with the dark hair" I just wave to and that's it. You know, someone who can support me and listen to me like a friend rather than a counselor. Assistants, counselors, my parents, etc. are only going to probe into problems completely off-topic ("Are you sleeping well?" "What time do you go to bed?" "Are you taking your medication?" etc.) to add more to my worries and make me feel even worse about myself. I'm only going to give the same goddamn answers to the same goddamn questions I've been asked a million times ("Yes... yes... yes... early... fine...") At this stage, I don't give a fuck about my sleep, especially if it's A. Not what I'm worried about in the first place. B. I've wasted weeks before trying to put a cap on insomnia. Nothing works. Why be more concerned about something I can't fix when I could be more focused on oh, fucking studying instead? Obviously I take my medication. I'm not stupid, I know enough to do practical things.

I just have a feeling if I try to talk to anybody about this, I'll get lectured at. I don't want lectures; I've got enough luggage on my shoulders already, don't add my load. Also, it's difficult to meet people when places are either closed, nobody fucking comes, you write the exact date down only to have someone change it at the last minute without letting you know ("Oh, it's all YOUR fault you missed it. You forgot you forgot! You forgot you forgot you forgot you forgot~~~~~!"), or "Video game party" translates to "Halo Fanboy and FPS and MMORPG Town--Oops we don't know what the other stuff is or we don't have interest in that. Sorry." If you say I didn't try, I'll knock your teeth out.

Also feeling cynical. So all I feel like doing is spitting venom. I'm being reminded of high/middle school experiences, especially since I fucking hate it when the teacher tells class to split into groups, because everyone will jump to their friends and I'll have absolutely no one except the other Unwanted Kids, and even then we make absolutely zilch and I end up working by myself anyway. YOU'RE LATE YOU'RE LATE YOU'RE LATE YOU FORGOT YOU FORGOT YOU FORGOT I get this hammered in my brain and I always feel like I'm wrong. Of course I'm not bitter! Of course I'm a professional at loathing myself since it's apparently all I'm good for and everything else falls ignored and neglected by everyone else. Of course, horrid school memories always rub this in. SHUT UP YOU'RE STUCK IN THE PAST so why am I depressed NOW huh? It's not like I oh RECALLED it after having THE SAME FUCKING EXPERIENCE AGAIN is it?

I'm going to bed early. Fuck it. Was going to watch Lain, but I'm good at breaking my own promises, so lulz.