Puri (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shamanicshaymin) wrote2008-05-14 01:50 am
shamanicshaymin) wrote2008-05-14 01:50 am
Entry tags:
Puri's Report on Judy Blume's Forever
So is this the ZOMG HARDCORE SEX00RZ book soccer moms have been whining about since 1975?
Puri read halfway, skimmed through the rest. Daddy's picking me up and driving me home today! :D
But here's Forever... (with an ellipse) for you guys to giggle over. If I recall, there was a disclaimer at the beginning saying Katherine should've gotten protection for STDs too, and not just pregnancy. :P Ahhh, Judy, how your books outdate quickly. Not nearly as bad on the level of Deenie, but still.
Meet Katherine. If you've read any other of Judy Blume's books, you'll know each and every one of her protagonists 'cause they sound exactly the same. MeetRalph *snerk* Michael, who as far as I could tell, is actually an ordinary guy instead of a lecherous wretch, which is refreshing actually. Nonetheless, he IS kinda... *snort* insecure. (He wears glasses! :D /random)
After Michael went home and I was in bed, trying to fall asleep, I thought about making love with him--the whole thing, like he said. Would I make noises like my mother? I can always tell when my parents are making love because they shut their bedroom door after they think Jamie and I are asleep. It's hard not to listen. My room is right next to theirs. Sometimes I'll hear them laughing softly and other times my mother will let out these little moans or call Roger... Roger... Even though I know it's natural and I'm glad my parents love each other I can't help feeling embarrassed. What would it be like to be in bed with Michael? Sometimes I want to so much--but other times I'm afraid. p. 49
Uhh. If I was listening in to my parents having sex, I'm pretty sure my reaction would've been, "EWWW, GROSS!!11!111" 'cause really, ew. NOBODY likes envisioning their parents doing the nasty. NOBODY.Unless you're Oedipus, and even he didn't know until later! Also, Katherine is 17 years old. Wouldn't she use language like oh, "fucking" or "screwing" or even "having sex"? 'Cause I really doubt I ever used words like "making love" when I was 17. (And yes, the f-bomb was dropped several times in the novel. Just normally by her friends or 14-year-old (?) sister) But dude. Anything but "making love". I despise that term. If only because REAL-LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. *ahem* I'll buy it if a hippie or clueless soccer mom uses it, but not a 17-year-old teenager. Unless she is really really really romantic or something?
We get to p. 73, aka halfway through the book. NOW THE GOOD STUFF BEGINS:
He led my hand to his penis. "Katherine...I'd like you to meet Ralph...Ralph, this is Katherine. She's a very good friend of mine."
BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dude, why didn't this guy call his wang "Spike" or "Captain Rockin'" or "Vladimir the Terrible" or something like that? RALPH!? *DIES*
"Does every penis have a name?"
"I can only speak for my own."
Ouch. Just ouch, man.
In books penises are always described as hot and throbbing but Ralph felt like ordinary skin.
Of course Ralph does, he's human--oh wait, nevermind.
Just his shape was different--that and the fact that he wasn't smooth, exactly--as if there was a lot going on under the skin. I don't know why I'd been so nervous about touching Michael. Once I got over being scared I let my hands go everywhere. I wanted to feel every part of him.
Dad's #1 Complaint about the Entire Thing: "This is a virgin noticing a guy for the first time, and she only mentions his penis! Doesn't she mention his scrotum? DID SHE EVEN HAVE THE BALLS!?"
Later on, they DO mention balls, but only about applying aftershave on it then Michael stopping Kath because he said it "stings". @.@;;;
He took my hand and led it back to Ralph, showing me how to hold him, moving my hand up and down according to his rhythm. Soon Michael moaned and I felt him come--a pulsating feeling, a throbbing, like the books said--then wetness. Some of it got on my hand but I didn't let go of Ralph. p.74
Out of context, you'd think Ralph was a pet dog or hamster or something. Even a chinchilla! (Haha, chinchin)
"You did just fine... Ralph liked it a lot."
See? See? And wtf, nobody likes it when their dog or cat interrupts sex with their constant barking/mewling/whining.
Blahblahblahblah skip forward:
"And I love you," I said, "even though you're an outsy."
"What's an outsy?"
Your belly button sticks out," I said, tracing it with my fingers.
"That's not the only thing that sticks out."
"Michael... we're talking about belly buttons."
"You are..."
"I was explaining that you're an outsy and I'm an insy... you see how mine goes in?" p.96-97
In our world, we call 'em "showers" and "growers". Of course, I'm not talkin' belly buttons.
Katherine proceeds to stroke Ralph. Yes, it actually says that in context.
"Then he was on top of me and I felt Ralph, hard, against my thigh."
Down boy, down!
Unfortunately for our lovers, Michael comes early.
"I promise... Ralph won't fail me twice." p.100
Bad dog! Bad dog! No treats for you! *whip-crack*
I straddled him, helping Ralph find the right angle, and when he was inside me I moved slowly--up, down, and around--up, down and around--until I couldn't control myself anymore." p.166
If Hedgie-Wedgie says one word of that horrible goldfish doujinshi she showed me, I'm going to strangle her with Poogles and I'm never speaking to her again. *HEDGEHOG HISS*
At this point, Puri had to shut down the laptop and help Daddy pack for the trip home. Before returning the book to the library, I salvaged some quotes real quick on a napkin with a pen:
"Hello Ralph..." I said, kneeling in front of Michael. Ralph was small and soft and just hung there. p. 134
Dad: That's right, being "small" is exactly what he wants to hear.
Ralph stuck straight out, as if he was watching too. p.134
So that's where the "one-eyed snake" thing comes from? MOMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE THE PENIS MONSTER'S UNDER MY BED
Finally, the question we've aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall been wondering is answered:
"How'd Ralph get his name?"
He looked at me and smiled. "I named him just for you." p.135-136
If I was any living thinking female, I'd be giving "Ralph" a massive kick.
Doesn't help that Michael and Katherine break up at the end of the novel. ("I guess I'm not ready for forever." --Kath at the last page) The guy must be embarrassed for life about "Ralph" now. Ahh, the sad life of a dick.
It's just... I dunno. Naming your genitalia distracts from what's going on. Are they having a threesome or what? Oh wait, nevermind, I guess "Ralph" isn't real, oh wait--what's wrong with the billion other euphemisms? Pick one that fits the characters and mood of the novel: cock, member, whatever. Hell, I'm easily forgiving if the writing's awesome enough. But... Ralph? What?
That's all I gotta say to that. (Feel free to gank with credit! ;D)
Puri read halfway, skimmed through the rest. Daddy's picking me up and driving me home today! :D
But here's Forever... (with an ellipse) for you guys to giggle over. If I recall, there was a disclaimer at the beginning saying Katherine should've gotten protection for STDs too, and not just pregnancy. :P Ahhh, Judy, how your books outdate quickly. Not nearly as bad on the level of Deenie, but still.
Meet Katherine. If you've read any other of Judy Blume's books, you'll know each and every one of her protagonists 'cause they sound exactly the same. Meet
After Michael went home and I was in bed, trying to fall asleep, I thought about making love with him--the whole thing, like he said. Would I make noises like my mother? I can always tell when my parents are making love because they shut their bedroom door after they think Jamie and I are asleep. It's hard not to listen. My room is right next to theirs. Sometimes I'll hear them laughing softly and other times my mother will let out these little moans or call Roger... Roger... Even though I know it's natural and I'm glad my parents love each other I can't help feeling embarrassed. What would it be like to be in bed with Michael? Sometimes I want to so much--but other times I'm afraid. p. 49
Uhh. If I was listening in to my parents having sex, I'm pretty sure my reaction would've been, "EWWW, GROSS!!11!111" 'cause really, ew. NOBODY likes envisioning their parents doing the nasty. NOBODY.
We get to p. 73, aka halfway through the book. NOW THE GOOD STUFF BEGINS:
He led my hand to his penis. "Katherine...I'd like you to meet Ralph...Ralph, this is Katherine. She's a very good friend of mine."
BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dude, why didn't this guy call his wang "Spike" or "Captain Rockin'" or "Vladimir the Terrible" or something like that? RALPH!? *DIES*
"Does every penis have a name?"
"I can only speak for my own."
Ouch. Just ouch, man.
In books penises are always described as hot and throbbing but Ralph felt like ordinary skin.
Of course Ralph does, he's human--oh wait, nevermind.
Just his shape was different--that and the fact that he wasn't smooth, exactly--as if there was a lot going on under the skin. I don't know why I'd been so nervous about touching Michael. Once I got over being scared I let my hands go everywhere. I wanted to feel every part of him.
Dad's #1 Complaint about the Entire Thing: "This is a virgin noticing a guy for the first time, and she only mentions his penis! Doesn't she mention his scrotum? DID SHE EVEN HAVE THE BALLS!?"
Later on, they DO mention balls, but only about applying aftershave on it then Michael stopping Kath because he said it "stings". @.@;;;
He took my hand and led it back to Ralph, showing me how to hold him, moving my hand up and down according to his rhythm. Soon Michael moaned and I felt him come--a pulsating feeling, a throbbing, like the books said--then wetness. Some of it got on my hand but I didn't let go of Ralph. p.74
Out of context, you'd think Ralph was a pet dog or hamster or something. Even a chinchilla! (Haha, chinchin)
"You did just fine... Ralph liked it a lot."
See? See? And wtf, nobody likes it when their dog or cat interrupts sex with their constant barking/mewling/whining.
Blahblahblahblah skip forward:
"And I love you," I said, "even though you're an outsy."
"What's an outsy?"
Your belly button sticks out," I said, tracing it with my fingers.
"That's not the only thing that sticks out."
"Michael... we're talking about belly buttons."
"You are..."
"I was explaining that you're an outsy and I'm an insy... you see how mine goes in?" p.96-97
In our world, we call 'em "showers" and "growers". Of course, I'm not talkin' belly buttons.
Katherine proceeds to stroke Ralph. Yes, it actually says that in context.
"Then he was on top of me and I felt Ralph, hard, against my thigh."
Down boy, down!
Unfortunately for our lovers, Michael comes early.
"I promise... Ralph won't fail me twice." p.100
Bad dog! Bad dog! No treats for you! *whip-crack*
I straddled him, helping Ralph find the right angle, and when he was inside me I moved slowly--up, down, and around--up, down and around--until I couldn't control myself anymore." p.166
If Hedgie-Wedgie says one word of that horrible goldfish doujinshi she showed me, I'm going to strangle her with Poogles and I'm never speaking to her again. *HEDGEHOG HISS*
At this point, Puri had to shut down the laptop and help Daddy pack for the trip home. Before returning the book to the library, I salvaged some quotes real quick on a napkin with a pen:
"Hello Ralph..." I said, kneeling in front of Michael. Ralph was small and soft and just hung there. p. 134
Dad: That's right, being "small" is exactly what he wants to hear.
Ralph stuck straight out, as if he was watching too. p.134
So that's where the "one-eyed snake" thing comes from? MOMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE THE PENIS MONSTER'S UNDER MY BED
Finally, the question we've aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall been wondering is answered:
"How'd Ralph get his name?"
He looked at me and smiled. "I named him just for you." p.135-136
If I was any living thinking female, I'd be giving "Ralph" a massive kick.
Doesn't help that Michael and Katherine break up at the end of the novel. ("I guess I'm not ready for forever." --Kath at the last page) The guy must be embarrassed for life about "Ralph" now. Ahh, the sad life of a dick.
It's just... I dunno. Naming your genitalia distracts from what's going on. Are they having a threesome or what? Oh wait, nevermind, I guess "Ralph" isn't real, oh wait--what's wrong with the billion other euphemisms? Pick one that fits the characters and mood of the novel: cock, member, whatever. Hell, I'm easily forgiving if the writing's awesome enough. But... Ralph? What?
That's all I gotta say to that. (Feel free to gank with credit! ;D)