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shamanicshaymin) wrote2009-06-03 09:36 pm
shamanicshaymin) wrote2009-06-03 09:36 pm
(no subject)
It's a bad sign when you have this little share of conversation with your family:
Me: Dad? I've been feeling very depressed and uncertain about my future.
Dad: *doleful tone* Me too.
Plus I've decided a four-year university isn't working for me. Everytime these past two years, it's been more hell than heaven. I struggle with deadlines, classes, my sleep's wonked out, and I get lonely because I can't keep pets in my dorm and the closest friends I ever made, I can only see on Fridays and Saturdays. And I'm unsatisfied with what my classes are giving me. I wanted to take creative writing. To write everyday and improve myself as a storyteller. Did I get it? No. The only classes I felt have been satisfying for me were Russian Sci-Fi and Banned Books. Why? Because we discussed goddamn story. We were allowed to say we loved or hated it and why. I like this kind of discussion! This is what I want! To me, homework would be the equivalent of reading the damn book so you'll be able to talk about it in class.
I don't think I do well on papers. I'm one of those types of procrastinators who is super picky and perfectionist and knows the paper won't live up to my standards, so I blow it off, suffer the night before it's due, and turn it in and never wanting to see the paper ever again. Because I already know I have a horrible grade on it and WHAT I did horrible. Figures I get the paper back, am forced to look at my horrible grade and mistakes I knew I'd make, blah blah self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate knowing about my grades because I know I did terribly. And I'm right. Even more, I hate discussing them because then it means reciting every possible thing I knew I got wrong and go "ZOMG this affects whether or not you're staying at college, by the way." Or if you're thinking you don't give a damn anymore, "ZOMG this affects your future or whether you're gonna get a good job and not be homeless and in debt!"
College has one rule: organize or die. Believe me, I tried. Sorting hours, assignments, everything. But my mind doesn't work that way. Something different always comes up. I get so focused on one assignment I forget about the others. It's impossible for me to follow a rigid schedule. Did I mention how much deadlines flip my lid? Did I? I'll mention it again. I hate deadlines. And they never "whoosh by" because they stay like a nail in my head even after I turn the paper in, and it feels like I still need something turned in even though I already have.
It's goddamn humiliating when you get all As and Bs in high school (crummy school or not), only to go to college and realize your entire education is a lie and you have to start from scratch, and if you don't have the skills for that, you're screwed. Hello Ds and Fs! If I'm lucky, I'll get a C! B means a saint has arrived and an A means "Ha ha, fat chance." This is hardly the "dreamscape of life exploration" I was looking for. I feel heartbroken. I'm disappointed.
I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the fall. Or future. And god, if I ever get another dorm, I want some sort of fuzzy animal to keep me company. I'm screaming "Hedgehog! Hedgehog!" everyday. If that's shooting for the moon, land me among the stars so I can get a rat so I can snuggle my nose in its fur. I don't know what my supporting job for my writing career would be either. 'Cause as long as I don't know, I can't support myself and I'll be broke. Like my parents. Everything I seem remotely interested in is volunteer work, and that won't make a cent. Hell, I feel more like my sick mom everyday.
Now I can't be bothered to do much creatively like writing, and lately it feels like it takes too much effort to load Photoshop to make icons or make AMVs, especially with how crappy the computer's been running and my own about to explode any second and ugh. It's just a terrible environment. Go figure, insomnia isn't much better either, and I sleep through the day because I want to forget and get away from it all. My dogs Amanda and Freddie make me smile and I pet them, but that's about all the short temporary happiness I have, video games aside. I haven't exactly felt talkative and I don't know if I'm even in the mood for RPing.
Can't talk to Mom 'cause she'll drone on and on and recite the laundry list of everything that makes me upset, including our family's financial situation and Dad losing yet another job due to his temper and his inability to stop snapping at people including those of authority. Can't talk to Dad 'cause then he might start yelling at me and possibly get in a fight with Mom again. I've never phoned any of my close relatives (by "close" I mean "relatives I'm generally comfortable with") and haven't spoken to them in a long time, so I don't know how well they'd relate with me. I don't even know how to express myself on the phone that well. I doubt talking to my sister will help either, 'cause she has troubles of her own and I don't want to pile up on it, and she might be sucked into Mom and Dad's drama too. So that leaves me with absolutely no idea who to talk to or where to go. Maybe phone one of the people from Closet Artists, but I don't know, I don't want to feel too much like a burden or scare them, considering we knew each other for about one year and I'm generally one of the quieter girls.
Gods, I think I even lost some braincells, since it's gotten harder to think or express myself comprehensively.
Me: Dad? I've been feeling very depressed and uncertain about my future.
Dad: *doleful tone* Me too.
Plus I've decided a four-year university isn't working for me. Everytime these past two years, it's been more hell than heaven. I struggle with deadlines, classes, my sleep's wonked out, and I get lonely because I can't keep pets in my dorm and the closest friends I ever made, I can only see on Fridays and Saturdays. And I'm unsatisfied with what my classes are giving me. I wanted to take creative writing. To write everyday and improve myself as a storyteller. Did I get it? No. The only classes I felt have been satisfying for me were Russian Sci-Fi and Banned Books. Why? Because we discussed goddamn story. We were allowed to say we loved or hated it and why. I like this kind of discussion! This is what I want! To me, homework would be the equivalent of reading the damn book so you'll be able to talk about it in class.
I don't think I do well on papers. I'm one of those types of procrastinators who is super picky and perfectionist and knows the paper won't live up to my standards, so I blow it off, suffer the night before it's due, and turn it in and never wanting to see the paper ever again. Because I already know I have a horrible grade on it and WHAT I did horrible. Figures I get the paper back, am forced to look at my horrible grade and mistakes I knew I'd make, blah blah self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate knowing about my grades because I know I did terribly. And I'm right. Even more, I hate discussing them because then it means reciting every possible thing I knew I got wrong and go "ZOMG this affects whether or not you're staying at college, by the way." Or if you're thinking you don't give a damn anymore, "ZOMG this affects your future or whether you're gonna get a good job and not be homeless and in debt!"
College has one rule: organize or die. Believe me, I tried. Sorting hours, assignments, everything. But my mind doesn't work that way. Something different always comes up. I get so focused on one assignment I forget about the others. It's impossible for me to follow a rigid schedule. Did I mention how much deadlines flip my lid? Did I? I'll mention it again. I hate deadlines. And they never "whoosh by" because they stay like a nail in my head even after I turn the paper in, and it feels like I still need something turned in even though I already have.
It's goddamn humiliating when you get all As and Bs in high school (crummy school or not), only to go to college and realize your entire education is a lie and you have to start from scratch, and if you don't have the skills for that, you're screwed. Hello Ds and Fs! If I'm lucky, I'll get a C! B means a saint has arrived and an A means "Ha ha, fat chance." This is hardly the "dreamscape of life exploration" I was looking for. I feel heartbroken. I'm disappointed.
I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the fall. Or future. And god, if I ever get another dorm, I want some sort of fuzzy animal to keep me company. I'm screaming "Hedgehog! Hedgehog!" everyday. If that's shooting for the moon, land me among the stars so I can get a rat so I can snuggle my nose in its fur. I don't know what my supporting job for my writing career would be either. 'Cause as long as I don't know, I can't support myself and I'll be broke. Like my parents. Everything I seem remotely interested in is volunteer work, and that won't make a cent. Hell, I feel more like my sick mom everyday.
Now I can't be bothered to do much creatively like writing, and lately it feels like it takes too much effort to load Photoshop to make icons or make AMVs, especially with how crappy the computer's been running and my own about to explode any second and ugh. It's just a terrible environment. Go figure, insomnia isn't much better either, and I sleep through the day because I want to forget and get away from it all. My dogs Amanda and Freddie make me smile and I pet them, but that's about all the short temporary happiness I have, video games aside. I haven't exactly felt talkative and I don't know if I'm even in the mood for RPing.
Can't talk to Mom 'cause she'll drone on and on and recite the laundry list of everything that makes me upset, including our family's financial situation and Dad losing yet another job due to his temper and his inability to stop snapping at people including those of authority. Can't talk to Dad 'cause then he might start yelling at me and possibly get in a fight with Mom again. I've never phoned any of my close relatives (by "close" I mean "relatives I'm generally comfortable with") and haven't spoken to them in a long time, so I don't know how well they'd relate with me. I don't even know how to express myself on the phone that well. I doubt talking to my sister will help either, 'cause she has troubles of her own and I don't want to pile up on it, and she might be sucked into Mom and Dad's drama too. So that leaves me with absolutely no idea who to talk to or where to go. Maybe phone one of the people from Closet Artists, but I don't know, I don't want to feel too much like a burden or scare them, considering we knew each other for about one year and I'm generally one of the quieter girls.
Gods, I think I even lost some braincells, since it's gotten harder to think or express myself comprehensively.