(no subject)

[shamanicshaymin]

Greenband Jiggly: Well, I had to come home early...
Chicobo329: I had class today still ._.
Greenband Jiggly: I see...
Chicobo329: it's okay n.n
Chicobo329: But I gotta finish homework ._. I'll be on later tonight! :^)
Greenband Jiggly: *sigh*
Chicobo329: I've very sorry Puri :^(
Greenband Jiggly: I had to come home because I had a breakdown.
Chicobo329: oh...
Chicobo329: can...can it wait till later tonight? You can tell me the whole story...
Chicobo329: I REALLY apologize ._.
Greenband Jiggly: I guess so... I just feel really hurt. But it's nothing to do with you leaving.
Chicobo329: well how 'bout this
Chicobo329: I'm not far from my computer
Chicobo329: go ahead and IM me the story anyway
Chicobo329: if I can catch a break, I can reply
Chicobo329: be assured, I WILL listen :^) *huuuuug*
Greenband Jiggly: *HUUUUG* I'll do what I can...
Greenband Jiggly: I don't know... February has been nothing but a month of misery for me.
Greenband Jiggly: Usually, I just bounce back after a little sadness. Lately, it's like I get humongoidly depressed, become excited/fangirly/happy for a short time, and then... I get sad again. Cycle has been continuing since, I dunno, a lotta weeks lately.
Greenband Jiggly: I've tried picking out the source: did I still have a grudge on _____? Was I being too nasty and poked fun of Anti-Sonadow/Rabid Sonadow fangirls lately? Was my Secret*Fic dying off and having no motivation to continue? Did I NEED to write for my fic? Did I need to upload something? Was I working hard enough, was I taking care of myself like showering and getting enough sleep?
Greenband Jiggly: I thought I needed to finish up my Demi*Luff icons. I thought I needed to make an icon post. I thought I needed to make colorbars, and perhaps more badges. I thought I needed to participate in the Sonic Riders icon contest. I thought I wasn't doing enough... then I thought I was getting too stressed.
Greenband Jiggly: So I finally did a lot of things, like finish up all my icons like I'm supposed to, get some posts I wanted to make out of the way, play some games I was supposed to, let myself finally watch some darn "Sonic" cartoons. (Like Sonic SU the other day)
Greenband Jiggly: Right after my stressful week, right after talking to Meganu and telling myself to finally rest... I become bored to death. RIGHT on Saturday.
Greenband Jiggly: Bored. Of all things... I couldn't even keep up conversations long on AIM.
Greenband Jiggly: Sunday was better... I got myself playing Sonic 2, I had a more peaceful time I suppose.
Greenband Jiggly: I fell asleep and woken up thinking I had a little more creativity... speculating what I wanted to do and how I wanted Shadow to escape PANDORA's lab in an entirely new way... hell, I was even thinking about dunking the Chaos-Emerald-and-acid-burn idea, I thought my new idea was that more exciting.
Greenband Jiggly: It was very essence to Classic*Sonic--heck, I'm still trying to brainstorm the boss.
Greenband Jiggly: Parents seemed uppity about me, too--wishing me luck, 'cause supposedly today was test week.
Greenband Jiggly: Well, I sat there in Math, and go figure, negative thoughts started coming back. Again, tried putting them back. ("I'm done with _____. I have nothing to worry about now, there's never any tension between us, why should I bring something up from the past?") Like, I tried playing Phantom of the Opera songs in my head to push things back and make me smile. They sort of intermingled and then, my thoughts delved somewhere else completely, and by the time Math was over (the worksheet was pretty difficult, and I had to ask for help sometimes, until finally, I had to guess on the questions I wasn't helped with) I felt darker.





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Chicobo329: (keep going, the away message pops up after a while)
Greenband Jiggly: Now, I guess I was thinking about fandom... my writing.
Greenband Jiggly: *nod* Yeah.
Greenband Jiggly: Wonder if being in fandom too long was making me upset, with all the drama Sonicdom had and all. That I needed a break from the Net for a while. To stop taking things too seriously and let me rest.
Greenband Jiggly: I looked at my notebook, the front cover had completely torn apart: I had all these thoughts bubbling in my head and thought of writing them down, (I DID have a hearty thought looking at the "Professor E. Stabbington" name I scribbled on top a page) but I didn't feel like scribbling in my dead, uninspirational, and draining wreck of a notebook, no matter how bored I was after finishing our worksheet... I just felt like bubbling into my thoughts.
Greenband Jiggly: I started wondering if I should write gen more, I was delving TOO much into shipping, TOO much into Sonadow... but then, I'm wondering if it was some other person or friend that was telling me that, not myself.
Greenband Jiggly: Well, I decided I probably need a new notebook again, to start things anew and hope I would be refreshed and that I'd have fun things to record again. The bell rang for 3rd period. So I dunked my journal in the garbage and considered myself fresh.
Greenband Jiggly: I'm sitting in Health class. Oh boy, I was wrong. I felt even worse than ever, without my notebook and having nothing to write in whatsoever. (Well, I still had one notebook that I did scribble in, but I had no inspiration in that one either--it's also where I store my Spanish words) I felt like I hadn't thrown my burden away, but my creativity.
Greenband Jiggly: So gloomy thoughts began to go THAT direction, while I'm doing a test that's got nothing to do with OUR testing whatsoever--just a regular test on HIV/AIDs and our reproductive systems.
Greenband Jiggly: And open-book. Heh. I felt stupider and uneducated than ever. I heard a billion people in my head scolding me for that, that I knew nothing on sex, nor could I tolerate it.
Greenband Jiggly: I wondered if my writing was detoriating and losing its heart and Puri*Touch because I was frightened...
Greenband Jiggly: I was frightened, and motivated only because I was upset/hateful about someting.
Greenband Jiggly: *something.
Greenband Jiggly: I thought I was losing my creative touch because I wasn't writing for myself anymore, that I lost my independence.
Greenband Jiggly: I was trying to make the voices in my head happy, be they friends that normally don't like the kind of things I write about (Sonadow being obvious) or supposedly "educated" and "intelligent" people that would sniff their nose upon me if they met me, because of my beliefs in some things. And fandom beliefs.





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Chicobo329: hmm....
Greenband Jiggly: And well, I felt alone in a lotta places. I had a nostalgic nod to myself one point:
Greenband Jiggly: Last night, I walked in on my brother playing S3&K. While he was Hyper Sonic. I don't think I ever played it, but his theme sounded familiar to me...
Greenband Jiggly: I smiled, wondering if maybe I caught my sister playing that at a friend's house or something. I wondered what it would be like, how I would see Sonicdom, if I did manage to grow up with SEGA Genesis, got to spend more time with Sonic, Tails, Knuckles & Dr. Robotnik...
Greenband Jiggly: I was torn between this old Retro*World I adored so much... and Shadow, who probably got me back into these things.
Greenband Jiggly: I longed to see Sonic back to his glory too, but feel upset when people poke on SA2 or Shadow or something with an accusing finger... then I'm like, "Hey. I like it. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have been curious again..."
Greenband Jiggly: Thoughts shifted back to Sonadow and how it made me uppity in a lotta situations. I'm almost done with the dumb test. And how I seemed to use it to try to fight inner demons...
Greenband Jiggly: So many ghosts of the past kept bugging me, and I wondered if that was affecting my writing too.
Greenband Jiggly: Wondered how I thought about sex, looked at some questions on my test, wondered if I was actually sexually abused when I was little, at least verbally by those two stupid perverts in 6th grade I spoke to you about one night that kept me up late for ages...
Greenband Jiggly: Then I thought about the Manipulated*Love scenario, how fuzzy I felt when I wrote that, and that all the burdens and insults and squirmyness just faded away--poof, as I wrote... it must've been too much and shed a couple tears, though no one noticed.
Greenband Jiggly: Lunch time. Not to mention it's pretty damn cold, and the scarf was the only protection for my freezing ears I had.
Greenband Jiggly: Couldn't put on my mittens 'cause I had to eat--I preferred sitting outside because there's nowhere clean or roomy to sit indoors, and the kids would make fun of me or tell me to move, it's too noisy and... sitting inside was too much trouble, as I remembered last Friday, so I let my hands freeze.
Greenband Jiggly: At any rate, thoughts were buzzing back to Shadow escaping PANDORA's lab again, wondering if I could read certain things in the library...
Greenband Jiggly: A little temporary happiness.
Greenband Jiggly: I finished eating. I made my way towards the library to check my email. (Technically, we're not supposed to, but a lotta people don't notice anyway)
Greenband Jiggly: My eyes widened when I recieved four reviews from ficwad. And a message. Count 'em... 4. Someone must've really liked me and/or had a lot to say.
Chicobo329: wow
Greenband Jiggly: I checked the first review. It was for "Awake", and I knew that definitely wasn't my best fic, so I got nervous...





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Greenband Jiggly: #
FicRaven 02/20/06 - 05:53AM 1 :

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD -_- This is stupid.
Greenband Jiggly: ...Of course, I knew it was stupid. That's why it hurt.
Greenband Jiggly: Then I clicked the next review, which was for my Gamma & Amy fic. (Which we know is gen)
Greenband Jiggly: *
FicRaven 02/20/06 - 05:52AM 1 :

To let you know, I'm a friend of FicLegend's. He emailed me to take a look at these stories. Which so far, are horrible.

Oh, and if you owned Sonic, all you'd do would ruin it. My 15 year old sister would hate the series (she currently LOVES the series), so would everybody else. Sonic would be a gay person with Shadow, Amy would have a crush on Cream, and what next? Sonic/Eggman? Multisexual? Like FicLegend said before, you're a sicko.

Did I mention that the series would only get one game, then fail?
Greenband Jiggly: I couldn't go on. Of course, I had a billion things to say. But the bell rang for Choir, and... I couldn't help it. I started crying.
Greenband Jiggly: Go figure, everyone in Choir noticed it. I couldn't concentrate.
Greenband Jiggly: They were really nice--the girls were all concerned "What's the matter, Giselle?" "You okay?" and even gave me a group hug, and my teacher was all, "She helped us read our music--why not we help her in return?" and well... I couldn't say anything. Tried to sing but only got choked up... and just hid in the back, sitting down.
Greenband Jiggly: I had to get called for the counselor so I could go home. Go figure, I couldn't tell them what was REALLY wrong... I wouldn't know where to start.
Greenband Jiggly: All I knew was that February was nothing but misery for me, I had so much going wrong with me...
Greenband Jiggly: Counselor tried to talk to me. Go figure, couldn't explain much. Though we almost surfed Homestar Runner.com when I told her that was where I go to online.
Greenband Jiggly: Dad tried. He really did, he even offered me to get a Krispe Kreme donut which made me smile... but I didn't feel like eating anything.
Greenband Jiggly: I couldn't tell him anything, so I said the same words I did that it was "too complicated", "too personal", "you wouldn't understand"...
Greenband Jiggly: He really wanted to help me, to help in the best I could and I knew it... I just sobbed, 'cause I knew I couldn't tell him, he wouldn't understand, he wouldn't know, couldn't comprehend...
Greenband Jiggly: I wanted to let him help me. But I couldn't and knew it wouldn't work.
Greenband Jiggly: So I come home, and just feel like lying in bed... albeit, I felt better.
Greenband Jiggly: Couldn't move from bed for a while, holding just Shadow*Plushie... I thought was gonna cry again.
Greenband Jiggly: Instead, I turned the computer on, and did little stuff.
Greenband Jiggly: Like, request a general Sonic the Hedgehog FST over at FST: Classic, Sonic Adventure or beyond, or both: as long as someone decided to make a Sonic FST with their own interpretation of music for the series, I'd be interested.
Greenband Jiggly: Random comments for CarriePika (on SU Manic doodles and showing off my own O RLY icon) and Cammi ("Chocolate-flavored 3.14, comin' up! :pie:")
Greenband Jiggly: Really gorgeous art on DA, like a Chris Supernerd's new & beautiful Chaotix*Art, two incredibly neat arts by Thalia including the StC cover of Super Sonic & Shadow, (Which I summed up as "WICKED. *________*"), and an original idea of how Cream met Cheese (here, he was a shiney egg) that was really cute.
Greenband Jiggly: A little more collected and better, I gathered myself to read the other two reviews. Go figure, the same people.





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Greenband Jiggly: #
FicLegend 02/20/06 - 05:38AM 1 :

Well, I think the problem's the whole story, is what!

Again, Awake. Gee, thanks.
Greenband Jiggly: *
FicRaven 02/20/06 - 05:46AM 1 :

Another stupid gay story. Take my advice. STOP WRITING STORIES.

Old "Kirby" fic I did for a contest.
Greenband Jiggly: My gen fics were left alone.
Greenband Jiggly: http://www.ficwad.com/viewuser.php?uid=1542 Albeit, now labeled with negative adjectives.
Greenband Jiggly: *all my stuff
Greenband Jiggly: **all my stuff now
Greenband Jiggly: I felt like deleting CWCR and Awake from there, considering I'm never finishing CWCR and Awake I wasn't happy with, but now I feel like I'm just letting him win...
Greenband Jiggly: slippythegreentoad@ gmail.com Message from FicWad user: Hm.
Greenband Jiggly: Chris (FicWad user: FicLegend, slippythegreentoad@gmail.com) wants to
tell you:

You'll never be popular if you write these stupid-head sonadow fics.
You'll only be popular in the midst of jerks and those dang homosexuals.
You probably are one, by the way.
Greenband Jiggly: And... I guess that's that. Spent the entire soundtrack of PotO typing that. (I've always been reluctant to play the final song, 'cause the ending makes me sentimental and sad...)
Chicobo329: A huge roller coaster of emotion
Chicobo329: everything good was countered with everything bad twice over
Chicobo329: I wonder, you ever felt mood swings like this before?
Greenband Jiggly: Maybe. I don't know...
Chicobo329: That could be a sign of something, you can never be too sure...
Greenband Jiggly: Well, I'll have you know, for someone to take my A/Ns seriously...
Greenband Jiggly: If I did own Sonic, there'd be no slash, OMG.
Chicobo329: Sadly, I have to admit, if you're a person with an OTP and you write about it, you're gonna get negative and positive feedback
Greenband Jiggly: I know. I've recieved flames on Sonadow before and that didn't bother me.
Chicobo329: I notice authors get in less problems if they don't focus on a pairing so much. That way people look at a story for what it is and not for who is with who
Greenband Jiggly: Heck, I think these are regular flames... it's just, all this emotion and problem build up made me go crazy...
Greenband Jiggly: I haven't even posted that much Sonadow, on both FicWad AND FF.net.
Greenband Jiggly: All I have on FF.net is my parody.
Greenband Jiggly: Like, only two fics that I shared public other than my regular Creative journal...
Greenband Jiggly: Two.
Greenband Jiggly: 8 fics still on FF.net...
Chicobo329: hm...
Greenband Jiggly: Only 3 relate to shipping. Only 1 is Sonadow.
Chicobo329: in some cases, one or a few might be enough
Chicobo329: regardless, I'm not quite sure how to help here...
Chicobo329: This is a really tough situation...
Greenband Jiggly: I'm just... weary. For ten kajillion different things.





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Chicobo329: hm...
Chicobo329: I suggest taking a break from as many things that stressed you out as possible
Chicobo329: be it Sonic, shipping. writing, etc..
Greenband Jiggly: Been there, tried that. I got bored out of my insanity.
Greenband Jiggly: And I hadn't really wrote anything in so long...
Greenband Jiggly: I was in a slump, remember? I just talked about it.
Chicobo329: true true...
Chicobo329: gee...*thinks* I hadn't been in a situation like this before...not sure how I can help...
Greenband Jiggly: I did any solution I could.
Chicobo329: did recalling your story help a little at least?
Greenband Jiggly: I don't know...
Greenband Jiggly: I just feel like curling in bed and waiting for February to go away. But I know that isn't gonna work.
Greenband Jiggly: I feel broken when I know I'm not.
Greenband Jiggly: I don't feel like I'm in control of myself anymore... just the voices in my head.
Greenband Jiggly: I feel like this ghost of what I once was. I used to be proud, now I'm scared.
Greenband Jiggly: That, or spiteful.
Chicobo329: you're letting the fears and worries of whatever you do and what people might think of you get the best of you
Chicobo329: "Just do it" , do things because you can. Don't take all these things into account
Greenband Jiggly: I can't remember the last time I really laughed hard, either.
Greenband Jiggly: Usually, I'm just "Hehe..." nowadays, no matter how many jokes I crack. It's been forever since I've really had a laugh that got my stomach hurting but it was so funny and you couldn't stop...
Greenband Jiggly: I was rewatching "Star Falco" and "Banjo Threeie" in hopes of getting me giggly.
Greenband Jiggly: Only a few forced small laughs. I could watch them both and only merely smile.
Chicobo329: well,don't TRY to look for a memorable laugh, let them COME to you
Greenband Jiggly: I know... I just know that you laugh because it's healthy.
Greenband Jiggly: And I dunno, I guess because I've been so down lately it's really effecting me.
Chicobo329: too many things are getting ahold of your emotions, it's almost amazing to see your whole story over and over again, I just can't fanthom such a thing...
Greenband Jiggly: That's why I can't tell a lot of people these things... and the only people I can are trusted friends online.
Greenband Jiggly: You were the only person I thought of that could possibly stomach all this...
Chicobo329: I tried my best to and to be entrusted with all this is really an honor almost. Not many people come to me, in my past I usually went to others
Greenband Jiggly: *hug* And I've had people come to me...
Greenband Jiggly: I also remember coming to people... rather, the wrong people. That didn't need to hear all that.
Greenband Jiggly: They were all "Um... okay. oO;;;" Maybe even afraid of me. I don't blame that.
Chicobo329: I'm not afriad Puri, honestly. I just don't know how to console you...I did try a lot of suggestions and I'm glad they at least temporarily worked
Chicobo329: even if something doesn't work, try and MAKE it work. You really can't afford to be down and out like this for too long, you're too good of a person for that
Greenband Jiggly: *cliiiiiiing*
Chicobo329: *huuug*
Greenband Jiggly: Like, one of the wrong people was one of my sister's friends... I remember my sister finally coming in and was all, "What are you doing? You're chewing her ear off, she doesn't want to hear those things!" And I felt really upset... why didn't my sister's friend tell me in the first place, so that I wouldn't have to open my heart like that and... just seem creepier and unnatural than I already was?





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Chicobo329: ah...
Greenband Jiggly: I dunno... I feel like resting in my bed a while. Cry myself to a nap or something. It's weird of me to feel this way.
Chicobo329: if you must, let out all you can
Chicobo329: but after that, try and stay hopeful and positive. Be optimistic. Try and counter any bad thing with an equally good thing
Chicobo329: make the most out of your day!
Greenband Jiggly: I've done that so much... I really have...
Chicobo329: don't stop then! Keep it up
Greenband Jiggly: I know, I know...
Greenband Jiggly: It's just that I feel in pieces and... I haven't felt this way since... well, I know this is probably the 3rd time I've felt this way.
Chicobo329: I really want to help more, but I just can't think of any other solutiont that might work. Just try to make the best happen, if it doesn't counter it anyway. I hate to see you always down like this, you're just too sweet of a person...
Greenband Jiggly: *hug* Your words help. It makes me happy knowing I'm sweet...
Greenband Jiggly: I wonder how on earth I'm going to put this on my LJ... no one would read it...
Chicobo329: I'm sure they will read it, the question is, will they respond?
Greenband Jiggly: But I'm too jumbled in the head to try to type up the whole thing except copy-paste.
Chicobo329: you can copy paste if you must
Greenband Jiggly: *copy-paste the chate
Greenband Jiggly: *chat
Greenband Jiggly: People might be confused...
Chicobo329: here you are worrying again. Do it anyway *nodnod*
Greenband Jiggly: *hug* Just gotta remove names and such.
Chicobo329: okey!
Chicobo329: *hug*



And that's why I've been so miserable this entire month~ Still feel miserable, too~ But I suppose it's better to put your load in one place, rather than bother you day to day with constant angst and whining~ Bed is looking nice right now~ Time to do nothing but cry to sleep~

I feel helpless, only because I've tried everything and they only temporarily put me at peace. Goodie.

So unlike me to feel like napping. Oh well. Yay~! :D